I Will Spend the Day Tracking My Recently Purchased Cap!

The tracking number has been obscured, in case murderers read this.

A lot of people email me or contact me by way of social media because they’re interested in how a successful and handsome and talented and handsome Real Author conducts his affairs.

“That depends,” is the answer, of course. Sometimes, I’ll dedicate large portions of the day to silent discourse with my interior self. Other times, what I’ll do is thoughtlessly watch hours of YouTube videos featuring young, large-breasted women “failing” in different ways — and then, right after that, descend into a metaphorical cauldron of shame such as would permanently cripple any of the more wretched protagonists from John Cheever’s or Philip Roth’s novels.

Today, however, I will spend the day tracking the Winston-Salem Spirits cap that I recently purchased on eBay, and which features a somber eagle flying in front of (maybe) a red sun from 1994.