“I Am Completely Innocent”

Any report that I ingested a performance-enhancing drug is wrong. Or at least a little wrong. Come on, let me try and defend myself.

Yes, I failed a test, but then I passed a test, so that means I was innocent all along. Right? Like a college that only counts your most recent SAT score. Sure, I got a 600 two weeks ago, but this time I got a 2350, so, hey, that first one must have been a mistake. I used the wrong kind of pencil. You wanted my urine, and I gave you some vomit mixed with orange juice, or whatever it is that I did that ended up testing positive for synthetic testosterone. Maybe there was synthetic testosterone on the toilet seat and it somehow fell into the cup. Maybe I got mixed up between the sample cup you gave me, and that sample cup of synthetic testosterone I was carrying around for a friend. Some guy in the airport gave me a cup of his urine and told me to hold it for him. The security folks only asked about strangers packing my bags, not about strangers giving me their urine, so I didn’t think to mention it. I am completely innocent. Wait, I’m not sure I know what innocent means.

Notice my lawyer didn’t say I didn’t have this stuff in my body. He just said I didn’t ingest it. The problem is simple, really. I sat on a bag of synthetic testosterone — you know, those bags of testosterone people leave on park benches all the time — and it got absorbed in my body, rectally. It’s a real thing. Happens with all sorts of drugs. Ever hear of “anal meth”? There are 61,000 hits when I search for it on Google. Don’t worry that 60,999 of them are about a college course called Analytical Methods that has an unfortunate abbreviation and the 61,000th is this post. Trust me. You can absorb drugs by accidentally sitting on bags of them on benches in the park.

Not buying it? You don’t have to. I have an even better explanation. Not guilty by reason of insanity. I’m clearly insane if I think I can get away with taking a banned substance when they test us every three hours. So by definition, I can’t be held responsible. Oh, that’s just a criminal law defense, not a justification that will help me avoid a suspension by major league baseball? And being insane will probably affect my endorsement deals? You mean I won’t be able to plaster my face on billboards for synthetic testosterone anymore? Then never mind.

Let me try one more. Saw a news story about fecal transplants. Okay, by “news story” I mean it was on the Colbert Report. But it’s a real thing. If you don’t have the right bacteria in your digestive tract, they can give you someone else’s feces and it helps your body grow what you need. They usually give it by mouth, which is awfully disgusting, but, hey, is there an un-disgusting way to get someone else’s feces put inside of you? So let’s say I got this fecal transplant, and the guy whose feces I was given had taken some synthetic testosterone. Then it shows up in my test. And I’m screwed, right? Through no fault of my own. So let’s go with that one.

See, I’m innocent. Completely.