Hugely Important Facial Hair Crowdsourcing

Readers: Feel enabled! Collectively you are a powerful source of knowledge and pageviews. You matter. You really do! See how I’m building you up? You are terrific! You are a glistening prism of ability. You are the balls. The good kind. The life-giving kind. I <3 U.

Do you feel uplifted and capable? Yes? Good. Now: I need something from you right away. I require. I insist. I dessicate your once brimming waters. Importantly, I need you to fill out the following survey so that I can know some things. These things relate to the facial stylings of Major League ballplayers past and present. With the power of this knowledge I will likely produce something of considerable value to mankind. It will most assuredly change everything. Everything! Even your goddamn Subaru Forester. Yes, even something as solid, reliable, and practical as your goddamn Subaru Forester will change. So do this thing so that I don’t have to do as much work  can change the world:

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