Hopeless Joe Predicts the Pennant Races (National League)

I was basking in the glory of my almost fully-funded campaign to keep on writing after NotGraphs is gone when I was reminded that I never wrote the second part of my Pennant Race preview. It’s so easy to forget about the National League. They’re like the Hopeless Joe of leagues. Really, any league without Mike Trout is pretty hopeless these days. I mean, sure, there’s Kershaw, and there’s, um, Jonathan Lucroy, and Jacob DeGrom, but everyone else? Meh, they couldn’t even crack the Royals’ starting lineup.

NL EAST
Quite a race going on! Oh, wait, I was reading the standings backwards, kind of like my doctor when he was reading my x-rays (oops– who needs their good kidney anyway??). Quite a race for last place, with the Mets, Marlins, and the truly wretched Philadelphia Phillies all battling it out. Meanwhile, the Nationals seem well in control, with the best record in the league. Of course, you never know what can happen even when you think you’re in control of something. Like your bowels, for instance. One minute, you’re totally in control, and the next… well, I’d rather not talk about my brother’s wedding, if that’s okay. I’ll just say that if you invite me to your wedding, you shouldn’t surprised if you end up having to throw away the cake. That’s all I’m going to say about that. And probably all I need to say about the NL East.

NL CENTRAL
The race everyone thought it would be. Pirates. Brewers. Cardinals. One of these things is not like the other. And, indeed, with an 8-game losing streak (or “a typical eight day stretch for me”) by the Brewers, the Cardinals are now back on top, with deadline acquisition Justin Masterson leading the charge. Oh, no, that’s his ERA, not his K/9? Ooh, pulling a Joe there, aren’t you? Justin, Justin, Justin, that’s the worst start in a new organization since I joined the Peace Corps in February and was sent to Ukraine. I’m not saying the entire conflict over there is my fault… but I’m also not saying it isn’t. Luckily, I’ve been transferred to Iran. Also, the Reds, wow. Positive run differential, terrible record, don’t you think it’s about time to fire Dusty Baker?

NL WEST
The Dodgers and Giants look to have playoff spots pretty much wrapped up, while my preseason pick, the Rockies, languish with the worst record in the league. Has anyone else ever asked themselves why the Rockies seemed like a smart name for a team when a mountain doesn’t even have a face? I wrote an essay about it, but my dog ate it. I probably shouldn’t write essays on raw meat anymore. I would use paper but I hate getting paper cuts. Much better to get salmonella. Good weight loss plan, that salmonella. A few days of diarrhea and I’m back to my fighting weight. Too bad it always coincides with another one of my brother’s weddings. Hey, my internal editor is telling me I’m writing too much about poop this week. Sorry about that. Next week, my column will be completely poop-free — and, by then, my computer should be too.

The National League — it’s one of the leagues! And I’m almost a person! Until next time…