Hats With Which to Troll

“Fashion is art,” as Daniel Radcliffe once may have said. And whether you agree with him or not, you must resign yourself to the fact that you live in a world in which others do. The hat you adorn yourself with as you leave your house or apartment will, however unwillingly, help shape your identity in the eyes of colleagues and strangers. It could, for example, help you nail that big interview at the firm, earn an extra ten percent on your daily panhandling, or ward off potential conversations on the bus during your commute. It’s a choice that you should make carefully.

With this in mind, we, the dapper assemblage at NotGraphs, are endeavoring to make this critical life choice as simple as possible by reflecting on a few of the myriad of options available to the credit card-wielding internet shopper. Today’s enterprise: how to troll.

Part 1: Trolling Your World Series Opponent

Want something that celebrates the accomplishments of young men who have no idea that you exist? Want to do it in a way that smacks of the bombast and heraldry that a self-selected avatar of a champion richly deserves? Wear a hat with a World Series ring on it. On your head! A ring! Rings don’t even go on heads! The blatant absurdity will be sure to demoralize any past adversaries.
 
 
 
 

Part 1A: Trolling Your World Series Opponent in his or her Area of Residence

For the more subtle, there’s no better underhanded compliment than celebrating a team’s advancement to the playoffs. If you can find a Wild Card Champions cap, all the better. Note: this trolling is void in Chicago, Seattle, Washington D.C. and Pittsburgh, for obvious reasons.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Part 2: Trolling Everyone Outside New England

This cap is most effective when worn while sitting directly behind someone keeping score, and announcing loudly how you don’t recognize any of the names from the home team’s roster. An aside: in an era where someone from the United Arab Emirates found my personal blog by searching for the phrase “shin soo choo ouch”, the concept of World Famous doesn’t quite pack the emotional punch it once did. Even people who should be famous, like World Famous Bushman, are sadly not world famous.
 
 
Part 3: Trolling the Staff of FanGraphs

Arrive at the next clandestine FanGraphs meetup wearing this hat. Engage loudly in an imaginary conversation about Andre Dawson’s Hall of Fame merits, based on the fact that the sabermetrics people have been saying that walks are overrated for years. Complain that he would have won the Baseball Card Tournament, too, if they’d ever finished it.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Part 4: Trolling the Weariness of Fans As They Listen to the Death Rattle of the Steroid Era