Ground Rules for the “Baseball We”

A bountiful source of debate among baseball enthusiasts and fans of other, ickier, less morally upright sports is whether or not it’s acceptable to say “we” in reference to your favorite team. The pro: It’s a harmless bit of unifying tribalism. The con: You do not, in point of fact, play for your favorite team. These are dearly held positions, to say the least. Neither side will yield, and the center cannot hold.

So in the service of a workable peace, I am here to pronounce from on high and with the certainty of Judge Lance Ito that using the first-person plural in reference to your team is acceptable — I do it myself — but only under certain inviolable conditions. Here, fans of stick and ball, are those conditions …

First and foremost, you can wield the “we” for one favorite team and one favorite team only. If you go around dropping the we for, say, the Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Islanders, then you’re being too promiscuous with your loyalties.

You must have contributed to the material uplift of your team through the purchase of at least three pieces of official merchandise. Additionally, at least one of these items must be emblematic of your team’s sport. For example, if it’s a baseball team, then you must own a cap. If it’s a football team, then you must own a jersey (bonus points for having your own name or the name of a retired/traded/released/dead player on the back). If it’s a hockey team, then you must own one of those ridiculous holiday sweaters that the NHL insists is a jersey.

You must, on command, be able to name two members of your team’s front office besides the GM and principal owner/managing general partner.

You must, on command, be able to name one beat writer or columnist at every major daily/official site covering your team.

If you live within your team’s media market, then you must see multiple home games in person each season.

If you live outside of your team’s media market, then you must have seen multiple home games in person in your lifetime.

You must have attended one of your team’s road games.

If you live outside your team’s media market, then you must purchase an out-of-market telecast/Webcast package of some kind each season.

You must have begun your fandom of said team during a period of prolonged mediocrity or incompetence (mediocrity or incompetence on the part of the team, not you personally) or before you turned 15 years of age.

You must have, at some point in your life, cried or pondered physical violence or even self-immolation because of some misfortune that befell your team.

The sport your team plays must be your favorite sport of all. This would be the case even if your team did not exist.

If you can — in your most honest moments of penetrating self-examination — say that you meet these criteria, then you are permitted the “sports we.” Otherwise, you may not use it.

It is so because I have said it is so.

So, brainy and brawny readers, are you permitted the “baseball we”?

(Note: A version of this post appeared previously at my largely unvisited yet decidedly wonderful yet rapidly perishing personal blog. I have agreed not to sue myself for plagiarism.)