Former Prospect Gets Sexually Released

Jupiter — In camp on a minor-league deal , second baseman Austin Staufmore was told he wouldn’t be making the Marlins infield and went to The Velvet Glove (a local gentleman’s club). There, he asked for and received his sexual release.

Staufmore has struggled to make it back to the Majors after flopping out with the Pirates in 2009. While once lauded as the next big thing, Staufmore struggled because he only had one useful tool, and even that wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. Still, the minor league veteran plans to keep banging away at it, hoping that the club will have an opening for him sooner or later.

“Look,” he told reporters who crowded around the stage with the former prospect, “I know I’m not the biggest guy out there on the field. I know I won’t last long in this league. But I know if I just get one more chance to prove that I can use the old stick, and roll two with the best of them, I could impress a lot of people.”

Scouts, however, disagree. They note a lack of energy from the 27 year old. “He just kind of looks droopy out there,” said one team official. “And a lot of these younger guys just want to play every day. Staufmore poops out after a couple of swings, and then needs a pretty long rest before he looks like his old self again. I just wouldn’t want a guy on my team I couldn’t count on to come through for us when we need him.”

“Whatever,” said Staufmore. “I haven’t heard any complaints so far. Now, excuse me fellas. Kandi and I will be back shortly.” After four minutes and what sounded like sobbing, the young woman reemerged looking disappointed and told us Staufmore had slipped out the back and had stiffed her on the tip.