Fifteen Home-Run Calls That Are Still Available

Onions, indeed.

As we enter the 2012 season, many broadcasters will undoubtedly be looking — like the players whose actions they’ll be narrating — will be looking to bring their A game, give 110%, and leave it all out on the field (or, in the press box, as the case may be).

It goes without saying that the most expedient means by which a broadcaster might scale the heights of his profession is to author a truly memorable home-run call.

To that end, NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Really Think Tank has produced the following — a list of 15 home-run calls that have never been used on any known broadcast. For reasons that are too obvious to explain, the calls here are divided into two categories — metaphorical and ejaculatory — and are freely available to America’s Broadcasters.

To wit:

Metaphorical
These are calls that depend on an allusion to a text or event.

• Much as Zeus, disguised as a giant swan, had his way with Leda, so does [batter’s name] have his way with that [pitch type or “(count) pitch”] from [pitcher’s name]!

• Like Walt Whitman sounding his barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world, this shot by [batter’s name] sounds out over [stadium name]!

• Much as Zeus, disguised as a bull, had his way with Europa, so does [batter’s name] have his way with that [pitch type or “(count) pitch”] from [pitcher’s name]!

• Like a peasant, returning home tired from the fields after hours of labor, will settle his head upon the porcelain bosom of his wife, so does that ball settle in the outfield stands!

• Much as Zeus, disguised as an eagle, had his way with the cup-bearer Ganymede, so does [batter’s name] have his way with that [pitch type or “(count) pitch”] from [pitcher’s name]!

Ejaculatory
Like Steve Carell’s invocation of Kelly Clarkson in the 40-Year-Old Virgin or Bill Raftery’s inspired use of onions while calling college basketball, sometimes the broadcaster is compelled by enthusiasm to utter one phrase that captures the ecstasy of the moment. Here are ten such phrases that would be suitable on the occasion of a baseball home run.

• Pajama Pants!

• Tiny Dancer!

• James Sokolove and Associates!

• Tantric Suplex!

• American Ingenuity!

• Christian Gentleman!

• Sandusky, Ohio!

• Agrarian Justice!

• Trickle-Down Economics!

• Tyler Perry Presents!