Fake Retrospective: The Jeffrey Loria Presidency

Dispatch from an alternative universe…

BISMARCK, 2020. As the one-term Presidency of Jeffrey Loria comes to an end, we take time to reflect on his accomplishments. The United States in 2016 was of course a far different place than it is now. It’s hard to remember that there used to be fifty states. And the President’s house used to be painted white. And people lived here. President Loria swept into office promising to make the U.S. great again. And, indeed, for the first six days of his administration, he pretended to try to do just that. He hired the leaders of over two hundred other nations to come work for America, offering compensation far greater than they deserved, even to the old and decrepit ones. He appointed Ozzie Guillen to run the State Department. And he designed a brand new flag, with sparkly colors and real live fish on it. (Don’t think too hard about the details there.)

But then some kid somewhere failed his math test, and so Loria decided to cash out before the whole thing collapsed. So he traded our most expensive states — California, Texas, New York, and about thirty more — to Canada for a couple of uninhabited islands off the coast of Newfoundland, fired Ozzie Guillen and replaced him with a backup catcher, and convinced the taxpayers to fund a brand new Capitol Building in Bismarck, North Dakota, with a retractable roof and shiny sculpture that would shoot off fireworks whenever a bill was passed.

C-SPAN also canceled its coverage of Congress, because no one cared anymore.

And now the only remaining American of note, Justin Timberlake, is kinda pissed off.

Good luck to our incoming President, Mr. Fred Wilpon, as he looks to find a way out this mess.