Excerpts from My Houston Astros Job Application

Just this afternoon I’ve submitted an application for employment to baseball’s new Most Interesting Club, the Houston Astros. Here are some notable excerpts.

From the Cover Letter, Page 1:

Mr. Luhnow,

With the announcement yesterday that PITCHf/x expert Mike Fast will be joining the Astros’ baseball operations department — that, coupled with a generous comment about FanGraphs in your Twitter account — it’s apparent that both you and the new-look Houston Astros are looking for fresh ideas. It’s what that in mind that I submit the present application for employment in the Houston Astros organization.

What, precisely, qualifies me to work for the Astros? Allow me to answer candidly: nothing, really. To that admission, allow me to add hastily that I have never, at any point in the roughly 2.5 years during which I’ve worked for FanGraphs, been qualified for even one position I’ve held there — and yet, over that same span of time, both the site’s traffic and presence in the mainstream media have increased exponentially.

“Correlation, not causation,” you say? Luckily for me, I have no idea what that means!

From the Cover Letter, Page 2:

Colby Lewis… bright light of hope… peace to all mankind.

From the Cover Letter, Page 19:

That’s when I told my men, “Men, either we live as cowards, or die as heroes.” And I believe my subsequent actions demonstrate an innate skepticism I have for received narratives — whether regarding constructions of masculinity or the construction of a successful major-league franchise.

From Employment History:

Employer: N/A
Position: Leisure Class, Member Of
Responsibilities: Coordinated daily efforts to drink and eat beyond the means of most everyone. Collaborated and strategized with other members of my class to keep our collective boot on the literal and figurative necks of the working poor. Utilized unnecessarily ornate verbiage for effect.

From Key Skills:

Handsome in the Face — The Good Face might be a myth of talent evaluation, Mr. Luhnow, but The Best Face is what I possess and what I put forward everyday. Seriously, I have excellent genes and am frequently escorted by attractive females.

Accents, Various — Accents are excellent for morale. I’m proficient in both the Scottish and Italian varieties — and am working on a new one now of an Australian person being mauled by a cassowary.

Extra Change — I always keep all denominations of coinage on my person. Like, even if something cost 79 cents or something, I have three quarters and four pennies. Or five dimes and five nickels and four pennies. It’s pretty useful.