Contents of the Derek Jeter Gift Basket

[Read this post from yesterday if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then come back.]

1. Derek Jeter signed baseball.
2. Bottle of Driven, Derek Jeter’s personally-designed cologne, a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss, spice, pine tar, batting glove sweat, and Jeter’s own urine.
3. Gillette Venus razor, so you can groom yourself to Yankee standards. Come on, you can’t expect Derek to let you stay the night if you have stray and errant hairs.
4. Gatorade, to replenish the fluids you’ve lost.
5. Tide stain stick, to get rid of the fluids you’ve gained.
6. One month’s membership to your nearest Derek Jeter Signature 24 Hour Fitness location, so you look good enough for Derek to forget he’s had sex with you already and invite you back for a second turn.
7. A jar of Skippy peanut butter. Smooth, not chunky. Just like you.
8. Chlamydia