If I’d been around these parts two years ago when Dock Ellis passed, then I would’ve posted this back then. Since I wasn’t, I’m posting it now. And what follows, friends, is baseball greatness captured by cinematic greatness …

Most resonant line: “What happened to yesterday?”

Damn, Dock, what did happen to yesterday? Actually, guys and things like Dock Ellis happened to yesterday, which is partly why everyone loves and is haunted by the yesterday of his or her choosing.

Oh, and the hair-curlers thing you no doubt observed and momentarily cherished is not some sort of directorial flourish …

Bowie Kuhn, who didn’t seem to like anything, predictably didn’t like Ellis’s curlers look, which, it would seem, was just a rolling pin, bathrobe and terry-cloth slippers away from something greater … Anyhow, Kuhn decreed from on well-groomed high that Ellis cut it out and affect a more baseball-y appearance. And then Dock: “They didn’t put out any orders about Joe Pepitone when he wore a hairpiece down to his shoulders.”

I have long had a rather bizarre fascination with the inside-the-park grand slam. It has forever eluded me. I’ve seen Albert Pujols hit three home runs in a game, I’ve seen Melky Cabrera hit for the cycle, and I’ve seen Randy Johnson and Zane Smith flirt with no-nos. Yet not in person, not even from my couch — the sacred place from which I have witnessed so many of civilization’s miracles — have I seen the elusive ITPGS.

Anyhow, Wikipedia, which is an unassailable source of true facts, tells me that there were but 40 ITPGS’s through 2007. Then this thread from 2002 lists them. It’s on the Internet, so I assume pristine accuracy.

Some random amusements to be found therein …

– Honus Wagner hit five ITPGS’s in his superlative career. Five. I declare: that’s a lot.

– What I find to be more amazing is that teammates Joe Kelley and Jimmy Sheckard each hit one in the same game in 1901.

– Then Sheckard went and hit another one the very next day.

– Bombo Rivera hit one in 1976. Bombo Rivera is such a great name that all of God’s children should be named Bombo Rivera.

– And here’s what gobsmacks me the most of all: Ron Karkovice — Ron Slapping Karkovice! — somehow pulled off an ITPGS in 1990. Kark was slower than a Bergman film, so I can’t rightly fathom the absurd tapestry of events that led to his clumping around every base and then, I am forced to assume, collapsing face first onto home plate. I would give up multitudes to have been there.

So what’s the coolest baseball event you’ve ever witnessed in person?

SF Weekly reminds us that freshly minted Oakland A Hideki Matsui is a man who loves his porn. This from an old Time Asia piece on the occasion of Matsui’s joining the Yankees:

Indeed, his only eccentricity, if it can be called that, is his extensive private library of adult videos. His refreshing ability to laugh self-deprecatingly about his porno collection, reporters say, is one reason why fans and even nonfans have taken to him so much. Says former reporter Isao Hirooka: “Hideki just wants to be like ordinary people.”

Just how extensive is ordinary person Matsui’s private library? Sketchy reports suggest he could use a librarian.

Hideki, I christen thee “Dirtyzilla.”

(Curtsy: BBTF)

As this year’s edition continues to demonstrate, Major League Baseball’s Winter Meetings serve as a vehicle for all manner of baseballing-related hijinks.

That said, in the 109-year history of the event, some particularly absurd moments stand out. Below are some notable — and totally-actually-happened — examples of such instances.

1918: Dissatisfied with the merely symbolic shackles imparted by Baseball’s reserve clause, notoriously stingy White Sox owner Charles Comiskey places actual shackles on star players Eddie Cicotte and Joe Jackson.

1959: In just one of a long line of attention-grabbing promotions, White Sox owner Bill Veeck attempts to sign Laika, the Russian dog that, in November of 1957, became the first living Earth-born creature in orbit.

1976: Perhaps overstimulated by the advent of free agency, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner accidentally signs every Major League baseball player.

1979: Shortly after Nolan Ryan becomes Baseball’s first official Million-Dollar Man, Montreal Expo Bill Lee, coming off a season in which he was named the Sporting News National League Left Hander of the Year, threatens to hold out to until he becomes the first player to earn one million space bucks. The front office acquiesces to Lee’s demands; however, the lefty refuses to take the money after falling in love with Princess Vespa.

2010: Baltimore Oriole Luke Scott performs a Dadaist-like prank on Yahoo! contributor David Brown, affecting the personality of an irrational and xenophobic yokel for Brown’s Answer Man series. Intellectuals from all circles applaud Scott’s performance.

Yesterday, at his blog, Friend of NotGraphs and All-Around Ubermensch Rob Neyer — responding to this list of the 50 best baseball movies — both provided his own dozen favorite baseball movies and bemoaned the general lack of quality within the genre.

Be that as it may, some investigation within the film industry reveals quite a few potentially interesting baseball-related films that haven’t, for one reason or another, made it to theaters. Below are five notable and super-factual examples of such cases.

Working Title: The Fresh Kills Nine
Synopsis: A typically whimsical Wes Anderson project in which Owen, Luke, and the seven other Wilson brothers play a 19th century barnstorming club from Staten Island. The screenplay was very well-received within the industry and included what would have likely been a memorable cameo by Bill Murray as a New York City machine politician. Unfortunately, the project stalled when it became clear that more tweed was required for it than had ever been made in the entire history of the world.

Working Title: Rod Carew: A Serious Man
Synopsis: This Coen Brothers’ script was an early version of a film the pair actually made — i.e. 2009’s A Serious Man. Like that film, this iteration also takes place in the Coens’ native Minnesota and also explores the Coens’ Jewish faith. The difference is, of course, that the story revolves around not Michael Stuhlbarg’s physics professor, but Minnesota Twin hiting-machine Rod Carew. The baseball narrative was ultimately dropped when musician and Minnesota-native Prince refused to play the part of Carew.

Working Title: Papi
Synopsis: Papi was written and developed in late-2004 by Disney’s Pixar Studios in an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of Sox DH David Ortiz in the wake of Boston’s thrilling playoff run. The project was sure to create much in the way of cross-promotional and merchandising opportunities; however, copyright issues became unavoidable when animators were unable to render a version of Ortiz that didn’t resemble almost exactly DreamWorks’ property Shrek.

Working Title: Casey Jones at the Bat
Synopsis: A project originally conceived at the height of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles‘ popularity, Casey Jones at the Bat never really progressed past the earliest planning stages, but promised to include a lot of made-up, and vaguely African-sounding words..

Working Title: The Bear Jew
Synopsis: Not, as you might expect, a fleshing out of Eli Roth’s character from Quentin Tarantino’s 2009 war film Inglourious Basterds, The Bear Jew is actually just a biopic of Boston corner infielder and on-base machine Kevin Youkilis. Filming is going on now, and it is happening everywhere.

In the event that you haven’t heard, forgive me for bearing this bad news: Canadian-born funnyman Leslie Nielsen, known for his roles in Airplane! and The Naked Gun, passed away Sunday at age 84.

As a nod to Nielsen and his legacy, today’s edition’s of True Facts is inspired by the baseball-blooper scene from the aforementioned Naked Gun. In that scene, viewers are treated to some lesser-known baseball bloopers from history. Below are five other, totally real mishaps which, for one reason or another, have failed to take hold of the public imagination.

1876: Chicago White Stocking Ross Barnes accidentally “discovers” the home run on May 2, becoming the first player to hit one in a big-league baseball game. For his feat, Barnes is known forever after as “The Alexander Fleming of Baseball” — a strange truth made stranger when you consider that Fleming was only five years old at the time.

1897: In the midst of a particularly long inning during a 22-1 rout of St. Louis, Baltimore’s Willie Keeler pees his pants. It’s for this reason — and not his diminutive stature — that he became known as “Wee” Willie. True fact!

1981: Frustrated by the unnecessarily formal machinations of the intentional walk, famously ornery Baltimore manager Earl Weaver orders reliever Dave Ford to throw four baseballs all at once, sending crowd into hysterical laughter.

2000: Within a five-day period in December, Colorado GM Dan O’Dowd commits 13 years and $172 million to lefty starters Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle. Hah! Jokes!

2014: After retiring from baseball, middle infielder and scrapaholic David Eckstein goes on to successful career as newest character in American comedian Jeff Dunham’s ventriloquist act.

Yesterday, in a lighthearted interview with Boston sports radio station WEEI, Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia stated — and understandably so — that he’d have no interest in fighting modern-day boxing great Manny Pacquiao.

Though whimsical in the context of the Pedroia interview, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that a ballplayer, former or otherwise, could excel in another sport. In fact, a number of MLB-ers have done just that. Below are some brief, and very-non-fictional, examples of baseball’s two-sport athletes.

1883: Charley “Old Hoss” Radbourn becomes America’s first real two-sport athlete, not only pitching for the Providence Grays but also excelling in the popular late-century sport of “drunken carousing.”

1961: Boston center fielder Jimmy Piersall (pictured above) unveils for the public’s consideration his self-taught “crane kick,” the move later used by Daniel LaRusso to beat that douche Johnny from Cobra Kai.

1982: In his freshman year at Auburn University, Bo Jackson becomes first college athlete to letter in 17 sports, including Women’s Equestrian. “I just love those damn horses,” says Jackson when asked to comment on his first-place finish at the NCAA national tournament.

2009: “If not wearing pants is a sport, I’m the f*cking champ,” announces a pantless Kenny Powers.

2014: After retiring from baseball, middle infielder and scrapaholic David Eckstein goes on to successful career as jockey in thoroughbred horse racing.

Word from the internet is that ESPN: The Magazine will soon be publishing a film-themed issue — featuring, among other things, Mariner ace Felix Hernandez and Mariner other player Garrett Olson (pictured above) as Pulp Fiction’s Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega, respectively.

It may surprise the reader, however, to learn that ballplayers are no strangers to film. In fact, a number of current or recently retired players have actually found themselves quite involved in the motion picture industry. Below are some notable — and super-not-made-up-at-all — cases of Major Leaguers and their respective contributions to this popular medium.

1968: An infant A.J. Pierzynski appears briefly in title role of Roman Polanski horror film Rosemary’s Baby.

1998-99: Pedro Martinez stars in two-year-long meta-film, exploring what might happen in the event that a mortal were given god-like capabilities.

2002: Apropos of nothing, Ebert & Roeper give Alex Rodriguez two thumbs down “for being kinda douchey-seeming.”

Late-2000s: Mustachioed Brendan Ryan, hoping to develop reputation as serious actor, is instead frequently typecast as bandito.

2014: After retiring from baseball, middle infielder and scrapaholic David Eckstein goes on to successful career as child actor.

H/T: News Tribune

As mentioned previously in these electronic pages, Rick VandenHurk — along with Oriole teammates Jeremy Guthrie, Adam Jones, and other ballplayers — is currently holding instructional camps in VandenHurk’s native Holland.

Of course, this is hardly the first time Major Leaguers have made an effort to spread the gospel of baseball. In fact, there’s a long history of players either introducing the game, or merely seeing the sights, abroad. Below is a list of in-no-way fictional instances of such travel.

1927: For reasons unknown even to him, player known only as “Marlow” — an outfielder for the Marshall Indians of short-lived Lone Star League — is compelled to take symbolically charged boat-ride into heart of Congo.

1948: Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain take tour of pre-MLB Pacific Northwest, where less popular phrase “Spahn, Sain, and definitely rain” is coined.

1988: Recently retired slugger Reggie Jackson takes ambassadorial tour of West Africa, where he’s addressed by locals as “Mr. Hori.”

2008: Very wealthy Red Sox John Henry owner does own grocery shopping for first time in quarter of century. Is surprised by “life-like quality” of everything.

2010: Before each start, Colby Lewis pays visit to Interior Castle, a journey detailed by Spanish mystic Teresa of Ávila in book of same name.

Yankee GM Brian Cashman’s recent visit to free agent Cliff Lee’s home in Arkansas has been well-documented by the sporting news media; however, as smarter baseballing fans will already know, the Yankees’ overtures for the star pitcher certainly don’t represent the first instance of a team attempting to situate itself within the good graces of a coveted player.

In fact, since the inception of free agency in 1976, clubs have gone to great lengths to convince players of their (i.e. the clubs’) sincerity. Below are five totally not fabricated examples of such activity.

1989: Oakland proposes to Rickey Henderson an ambitious clause that would forbid the trade not only of Henderson himself but also of any baseball card bearing his image.

1995: Rockies GM Bob Gebhard learns entire French language in effort to retain services of slugger Dante Bichette. The downside? Bichette is actually from West Palm Beach. The up? Gebhard can now read all those smutty books the French are always writing.

1999: Talks with talented outfielder Shawn Green fall apart after Rays GM Chuck LaMar realizes his promise to show Green the “cool part” of Tampa is impossible to fulfill.

2005: Mike Scioscia performs drunken karaoke rendition of “Johnny Angel” to then-free agent Johnny Damon. “Simultaneously disgusting and beautiful,” raves LA Times music critic Mark Swed.

2010: Brian Cashman shows Cliff Lee the actual gazillion-dollar bill with which the latter would be paid.