What happens when local wildlife decides to interfere with a baseball game? A stadium full of peanuts, popcorn and other leftover morsels is hard for local flocks to pass up, so it’s actually quite shocking that more bird to baseball collisions haven’t happened over the years. The rules regarding wildlife obstruction vary from situation to situation, and if an animal encounter happens in the stands, all you can do is run for your life. Let’s look at a few of the most famous examples of the meetings between the animal kingdom and baseball.

1. Randy Johnson murders a bird Everyone knows this one. In a 2001 Spring Training game, the Big Unit unwound one of his patented sidearm fastballs and it collided mid air with an unfortunate bird, resulting in a fantastic explosion of feathers and a stadium full of dumbfounded ballplayers. So, what’s the ruling from the umpire? Ball, strike, or no pitch? There is no specific rule in the MLB rulebook regarding an animal interrupting the flight of a pitched ball before it reaches the batter, so in that case Rule 9.01(c) comes into play. Rule 9.01(c) basically gives the Umpire discretion to make the “fairest” ruling, which in this case is to call a no-pitch.

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Hey, that’s Peter Buck of R.E.M. and three other musician-y types with whom I am measurably less familiar! What are they doing in this space usually reserved for matters at least tangentially related to baseball? Well, if, like the kids today, you’re a fan of the Rock and/or Roll music, then you should know that those four above plus others have cut an album (CD? Gathering of mp3 files? What do you call albums now?) of songs about our fair game of ball and base. The dirty:

The Baseball Project is a band featuring R.E.M.’s Peter Buck, Young Fresh Fellows’ Scott McCaughey, the Dream Syndicate’s Steve Wynn, and his wife, drummer Linda Pitmon, who geek out about their favorite baseball players and teams over power-pop riffage. See, indie nerds can play sports.

Their new album, Volume 2: High and Inside, is on deck for a March 1 release via Yep Roc, and it features an all-star lineup of collaborators, including Yo La Tengo’s Ira Kaplan, the Hold Steady’s Craig Finn, the Decemberists’ Chris Funk and John Moen, and Death Cab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard.

Hey, some names I recognize and enjoy! Best of all, follow the link above and you can hear a song from this musical All-Star team (see what I did there!) — a track wondrously titled, “Ichiro Goes to the Moon.” It sounds like something the Ramones would’ve written if they had surfed, which is to say I like and approve, which is also to say I wish the Ramones had surfed. And by all means, please take a jaunt through the lyrics of every song on the album.

Speaking of those lyrics, this, plucked from “Panda and the Freak,” is as fitting a description of a certain Giants third baseman as I’ve ever seen:

When it comes to kung fu fighting, he’s no better than Hong Chi Quo. He’s kind of like Bruce Lee if you cross Bruce Lee with a buffalo. He barrels round the bases; he scrambles for ground balls. Zito named him Kung Fu Panda — that’s our Pablo Sandoval.

Respect, yo.

With the recent news that the Boston Red Sox — owners of one of baseball’s more progressive front offices — have signed 17-year-old Kiwi softball-ist Te Wara Bishop, one is forced to wonder: What other inefficiencies might clubs attempt to exploit in their efforts to evaluate, acquire, and develop talent?

Here are some possible avenues for consideration from NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank:

1. Elderly People and/or Babies
Sabermetric researchers have become increasingly interested in identifying the peak years for offensive production and, more broadly, the relationship between aging and performance in general. But the problem is that these studies are typically limited to players aged 20 to 40 or so (as the image above indicates). Hel-lo! There are, like, a whole bunch of different ages besides those! Like 57, for example. Or 9, or 81. And that’s just off the top of my head.

2. Not Wearing Pants
Color commentators take pains to note the degree to which a base-stealing threat, when on first, can distract a pitcher from the task at hand — that is, making quality pitches to the batter. What’d probably distract the pitcher way more, though, is if the batter in question just wasn’t wearing any pants — had nothing, in fact, on the entire bottom half of his body. Who has the dangle now, hm, Tim McCarver?!?

3. Hotter and More Bumpin’ Walk-Up Music
Cameron Maybin is a legitimate five-tool player and former 10th-overall pick in the draft, but has posted a slash-line of just .246/.313/.380 (86 wRC+) in 610 major-league plate appearances. The reason? Possibly it’s the case that Maybin just hasn’t, and/or won’t ever, adjust to major-league pitching. More likely, though, is that his walk-up music is “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. Hopefully, San Diego GM Jed Hoyer has taken steps to change this.

4. Bloodletting
It’s so crazy, it just might work.

5. Carson Cistulli
Not for nothing has Carson Cistulli referred to himself alternately as “the greatest mind of this, and probably every other, generation” and also “a preternaturally talented evaluator of baseball, uh, talent.” Front offices of baseball: what are you waiting for? (Seriously: email me at ccistulli@yahoo.com and prepare to get your blank blanked.)

Image courtesy MGL at THT.

Baseball turf is something we all probably appreciate when we go to a game, but what kind of grass is it, exactly? Surely it isn’t the same sod we go out and purchase for own own lawns. Different sports require different types of grasses, and a baseball field needs grass that will look lush, withstand the punishment of cleated feet flitting about, and be easy to grow. No one wants to look out of a dead field! Different parks choose different turfs due to climate, the style of play of the team, and the personal preferences of the team field manager. Here is a breakdown of the types of turf used in Major League parks:

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Earlier today, Full-Time Employee Dave Cameron announced that FanGraphs will be hosting not one butbutbut two live events in Phoenix, Arizona — on March 11th and 12th, respectively.

While Cameron’s notice surely gives a basic sense of what to expect, I thought I might elaborate on some other notable events that are sure to occur as the weekend unfolds.

Here are they are, in no particular order:

• Eno Sarris will not once be seen in the same room as Malcolm Gladwell. This, of course, has less to do with their physical resemblance and way more to do with how Macolm Gladwell will actually just be swimming in a pile of money in some gigantic New York loft apartment.

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As the most Jamaican of NotGraphs contributors has already noted here, SB Nation author Jon Bois’ founded this week the very official Baseball Player Name Hall Of Fame. I believe I’m saying what the reader is thinking when I say that Bois’ effort is one that deserves to be filed under “Community Service.” Chicken Wolf, Mysterious Walker, Ugly Dickshot, Wonderful Terrific Monds III, Greg Legg: these are very clearly names that must be preserved for our children’s children’s children.

Were I to offer one criticism of Bois’ work, though, it’s that it shows no regard for any of the more colorful names from baseball’s future. Obviously, we can’t entirely know what will be; however, that said, the Investigative Reporting Investigation Team here at NotGraphs does have some sources which transcend not only geography but also time.

Will these be the most interesting names? I can’t say for sure. But they certainly provide delicious, delicious food for thought.

Humbert Humbert Berkowitz
Humbert Humbert is the future son of Daniel Berkowitz and Lisa Olstein — two will-be-someday undergraduates of Brandeis University who first meet in a Nabokov seminar. It’s in commemoration of this that they name their first son Humbert Humbert after the protagonist in Nabokov’s Lolita.

Berkowitz, while not particularly distinguished during his playing career, does indeed go on to become a wicked ahtsy pedophile.

Clownpenis Dot Fart
This is the last name left in the future.

Barry Moises Alomar-Alou-Bonds-Boone, Jr.
It was, of course, only a matter of time before baseball’s four great families joined in union. In a medical first, Barry Moises Alomar-Alou-Bonds-Boone is born, very literally, with a bat in his hand

He goes on to post a 183 wRC+ as a six-year-old and a career WAR of 1722, breaking the record of 1383 set by his father, Barry Moises Alomar-Alou-Bonds-Boone.

Tremendous Cistulli
This is the name of my own unborn son, who, I can assure you, will become a baseballing great — whether he wants to or not.

Bob Smith
For reasons I’m not at liberty to explain, this is actually the most rare name in the year 2074.

If there’s one thing that gets Carson Cistulli excited, it’s probably, like, fried cheese curds or unwatched episodes of Community or, of course, the ladies. But if there are, say, ten things that get Carson Cistulli excited, one of them is certainly the application of quantitative analysis to matters aesthetic.

Dave Dancis has submitted for the public’s consideration what likely represents an important step forward for this niche scientific field in his recent post on performance enhancing beards at Fantasy Baseball 101.

Below are the fruits of what one imagines were probably the entensivest of labors. However, in the spirit of serious peer review, I’ll also suggest that Dancis’s research might suffer from some sample-size issues.

Regard:

H/T: Sons of Steve Garvey

The Mariners’ David Aardsma is more than just a quality reliever and the guy whose aardvark-like surname bumped Hank Aaron from alphabetical pole position in The Baseball Encyclopedia. He’s also pretty good at the whole convalescence thing:

Still under orders to put no weight on his surgically repaired left hip, the Seattle Mariners closer is none-the-less taking on two rehab sessions a day, and will start throwing in another three weeks.

From his chair.

“I’ll focus on the arm motion, just throw without using my legs,” Aardsma said. “Then by the time I can throw standing up, my arm will have a little more strength, and will have stayed loose.”

Big hairy deal. One time I checked the mail while hung over.

Anyhow, the piece notes that Aardsma was on an exercise bike within an hour of waking up from surgery, so none of this should be especially surprising. Fittingly — untrue fact forthcoming! — this will be the chair from which he throws:

Lucky-best breaking news from the fair isle of Taiwan! The La New Bears are being renamed the Lamigo Monkeys!

Sure, I had never heard of the La New Bears until 15 minutes ago, but a baseball team named the Monkeys? Color me impressed. And if you find that revenge-minded silverback pictured on the flag above to be a bit disconcerting, please know that on the Lamigo Monkeys Facebook page (of which I am now a fan … please join me) we have a rendering that should satisfy you …

The big ears and smile are for the kids; the pompadour, natch, is for the ladies. Most of all, though: Go Monkeys!

Anyhow, I can now cross “Monkeys” off my non-exhaustive list of team nicknames I’d love to see used by actual franchises. A sampling:

– Hamburgers
– Cowards
– World Champions
– Commodore Vic-20s
– Security Guards
– Monster Lobsters
– Kevin

What am I missing? Go Monkeys!

The Associated Press reported yesternight that, as a token of his appreciation to the team for which he played his first nine seasons, Boston-bound outfielder Carl Crawford treated 150 Tampa Bay Rays employees to a barbecue lunch on Wednesday.

Of course, Crawford’s gesture is not without precedent. In the years since free agency began in 1976, it’s become customary for departing players to recognize the relationships they’ve established during their team-controlled years. Here are five other, super-un-fictional examples of similar situations.

1981: Upon receiving his contract for 1980 a day after the deadline, and thus becoming a free agent, Boston catcher Carlton Fisk mails back to miserly GM Haywood Sullivan a disembodied middle finger with very specific instructions on what Sullivan “can go ahead and do” with said finger.

1983: On eve of departure for San Diego, Steve Garvey spends one eventful night making every woman in Los Angeles his “special lady.”

2000: Lefty Denny Neagle gives former clubs the New York Yankees and Cincinnati Reds the gift of laughter after informing them the Colorado GM Dan O’Dowd had just signed him to a five-year, $51 million contract.

2006: A single night after making one of the legitimately great catches in Major League history, Gary Matthews Jr. lavishes all manner of gifts and praise upon the relevant employees of David M. Schwarz Architectural Services, designers of the Ballpark in Arlington. In the attendant thank you note, Matthews explains that “owing to the firm’s choices in park dimensions,” that they had unwittingly compelled a number of teams to incorrectly assess Matthews’ sub-par defensive skills. “I owe almost all of the millions of dollars I’ll be overpaid to you,” continued Matthews.

2009: Mark Teixeira, about to play for his fourth team (the Yankees) in two years, almost remembers name of Angels’ clubhouse attendant.