Over the weekend, Mark Reynolds had six hits in 11 official at-bats. Three of those hits were doubles. Two of them were home runs. Reynolds scored four runs, and drove in six, in Baltimore’s sweep of Boston. He even stole a base. Perhaps most unbelievable of all, Reynolds struck out only twice, while walking five times. Mark Reynolds. Walked five times. Four times in one game, actually. Sure, the game lasted 17 innings, but, you say “w-O-B-A,” pronouncing each and every letter distinctly, while I say “wOBA,” pronounced “Whoa-bah.” The point is: Reynolds walked five times. And three of those four walks on Sunday came in the game’s first six innings. Let’s be honest: The Red Sox deserve to be in last place.

But Reynolds’ finest accomplishment of the weekend came Friday night, when, after his third inning solo home run off of Jon Lester, he left his manager, the inspiring Buck Showalter, hanging. GIF of the year. No doubt about it.

Now, we were going to send in our award-winning Investigative Reporting Investigation Team to, you know, investigate, until I realized that The Baltimore Sun’s Investigative Reporting Investigation Team — yes, they’ve got one too — was already all over the story.

Read the rest of this entry »

Aaron Cook of the Red Sox was spiked during a play at the plate on Saturday. One consequence is that Cook is now on the disabled list. Another consequence is that Boston’s pitching woes continue apace. A third, greater consequence is that a laceration that looks like it’s delivering a prepared speech is cool …

Thank you, Aaron Cook, for momentarily entertaining us. Now away with you.

Reader and home-surgery enthusiast Brian writes in thusly:

In the bottom of the Nats 5th today, Gio Gonzalez slid into third base. I was listening on radio, and the play by play guys had a hard time deciding if he slid in headfirst or feetfirst, or if he slid feetfirst and then also headfirst. A friend who saw it on TV describes Gio’s slide thusly: “Imagine a dog flopping over on a slick floor, legs flailing in all different directions.”

I would like to see this.

Like the best civil servants and/or young women who become erotic dancers because their fathers never loved them enough, the members of Team NotGraphs are desperate to please both reader Brian and everyone else. Accordingly, we present this footage of Washington left-hander Gio Gonzalez, in a clear violation of Newtonian physics, sliding both head- and feet-first simultaneously.

Mike Krukow: Seabiscuit likes beer, I didn’t know that.
Duane Kuiper: The guys in the truck say it’s obvious: Cain is a horse.
Mike Krukow: That was… ah.
Duane Kuiper: [laughs]
Mike Krukow: Ahh. I love here.
Duane Kuiper: What are you talking about, that could be one of our kids out there.

This was presented in complete reverence for the broadcasting team, for Matt Cain, and for the San Francisco Giants.

I know what you’re thinking, and, yes, you’re right: such a ridiculous catch could only be made against the Kansas City Royals. According to the box score, Billy Butler “lined out to right field,” and, sure, that’s one way of putting it.

You say Brennan Boesch lost the baseball in the lights. I say he was practicing his no-look backhand. We’ll have to agree to disagree.

H/T: This magical Tumblr account.

This is slow-motion footage (courtesy Fox Sports Prime Ticket) from this past Sunday of Kenley Jansen’s ninth inning cut fastball to Xavier Nady, a pitch on which he (i.e. Jansen) struck him (i.e. Nady) out.

Regarding the feeling that said footage inspires in your bosom, to what degree does it (i.e. that feeling) possess the following four characteristics of a mystical state, as defined by William James in The Varieties of Religious Experience (text from Wikipedia)?

• Transient — the experience is temporary; the individual soon returns to a “normal” frame of mind. It is outside our normal perception of space and time.

• Ineffable — the experience cannot be adequately put into words.

• Noetic — the individual feels that he or she has learned something valuable from the experience. Gives us knowledge that is normally hidden from human understanding.

• Passive — the experience happens to the individual, largely without conscious control. Although there are activities, such as meditation, that can make religious experience more likely, it is not something that can be turned on and off at will.

The undistinguished among us might call what follows “some GIF of a Pablo Sandoval Chia Pet.” The distinguished among us, the boudoir-invaders among us, will instead call it “The Intoxications of Science.” Click. Click twice, it would seem:

During Red Bull breaks, the Framers of the Constitution invented science, and they did so in hopes that one day the Sons of Thunder (i.e., you and I) would be momentarily entertained. And don’t you know that you are?

You have seen this. Now go to Buffalo Wild Wings and father many babies. Name them all “Maximus.”

MUAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

DAMN THE RULES
IMA ROLL BACK HOME!!!!!! Read the rest of this entry »

The Blue Jay Hunter was at it again last night, capturing, for our viewing pleasure, another hot GIF, this time of Kelly Johnson’s defensive wizardry in Kansas City.

It was the kind of play that gets you out of your seat; that makes you yell “Oh!”, or, in regards to Johnson’s pending free agency, “Can we keep him?”

(Unless you’re this guy, of course, with In The Action seats and clearly something better to do.)

Brandon Morrow’s reaction to the play is fantastic. Once he realizes he’s not getting to that ground ball, Morrow stops; he becomes a spectator, like everyone else. Morrow watches Johnson make the only play he could have, a brilliant backhand flip for the out, one that even Omar Vizquel surely appreciated, and then tries to get a piece of Johnson, in appreciation, as Johnson’s momentum takes him towards the Toronto dugout. I loved the fist pump from Johnson, too; Mitch Maier’s out.

Johnson saved a run; there were two outs on the play, and a runner on third base. A web gem, indeed, and they don’t come much prettier than that, yo.

Jose Bautista puts the “Hot” in Hot GIF Action. He also gives new meaning to “Up high, down low” high five etiquette.

Poor Alvarez. The perils of being a rookie in Major League Baseball.

A handshake, and only a handshake, for my dude The Blue Jay Hunter.