Archive for Ask NotGraphs

Ask NotGraphs (#4)

by
February 16, 2012

Dear NotGraphs,

This is your assignment, should you choose to accept it: Design the perfect Fantasy Baseball Command & Control center. This space is to be used for managing daily H2H leagues. Knowledge (News, Scouting, Stats) is power. Watching your players live and cheering them on is probably just superstition, but it’s fun.

Your provisions:
-$1500 cash.
-One finished, climate controlled basement space, measuring 15 x 15, with 5×5 nook off one corner
-One 42” Sony LCD. This TV has VGA input and lets you watch live TV PIP while viewing your computer screen. ($1000, already invested.) You may use this or opt for something else.
-One 7′ couch and one 5′ loveseat.
-One wi-fi iPad ($500, already invested) to be used, or not, at your discretion.
-Broadband cable with its own PIP feature, internet, & wireless-N router (subscription cost already invested.)
-One Amazon Prime account and the free shipping it entails (subscription cost already invested.)

Accessories:
-adjacent 15×15 space with pool table
-dart board
-wii

Any subscriptions you choose to make must be cost-calculated for 4 years and subtracted from the cash. Furnish, equip, stock, & subscribe as you see fit.

Dear Lonely Reader With Disposable Cash,

You and last week’s letter writer should hang out. He wants someone to watch the game with, and you seem to have a pretty sweet setup, along with $1500 in your pocket, which you guys can use for some pretty fancy take-out. I guess my first recommendation would be MLB.TV Premium ($124.99), set up to watch the feed on your television. Maybe a mini-fridge ($70) and some snacks and beverages. Although, assuming there’s a kitchen upstairs, I don’t know if the mini-fridge even adds all that much value, since baseball games come with sufficient commercial breaks. Maybe there are readers who know about some technological breakthrough that I’m not yet aware of, or someone wants to explain in the comments why you should buy a Slingbox or a Vook or something else I’ve never used and barely heard of, but otherwise, I think you’re good. And I think I’ve just illustrated that I have no idea what people do with disposable income.

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Ask NotGraphs (#3)

by
February 9, 2012

Dear NotGraphs,

My girlfriend of four years is a paradox. On the surface, she appears to love baseball. Years ago, she had a senior picture taken of her in Twins gear and surrounded by Twins memorabilia. We went to TwinsFest together just last weekend and she was far more interested in the historical baseball exhibit than me (I was more interested in autographs and pictures). She’s also been working on getting a poster of Justin Morneau, Michael Cuddyer, and Joe Mauer as “construction workers” signed by all three players (she’s only missing Morneau now), and still has the newspaper article of when Paul Molitor got his 3000th hit.

However, when it comes to watching games on TV, she rarely joins me. As she put it, she cannot understand watching the same thing every single night. I find this interesting, as we watch How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory together, and we often rattle off 4 episodes in one night with each other. Please don’t tell me my Y chromosome is clouding my vision. Is this not similar?

I get the feeling that part of her aversion is due to her brother and father. They are both… well, I guess the best way to put this is that they would commonly scream at the TV. Even if the Twins were up 5-0 in the 8th inning, if the shortstop bobbled a slow grounder, look! He’s the worst player on the team. Being subjected to this for 20+ years and counting did a number on her, I believe. Fortunately for her, I am more level-headed and quiet during games, but she still is not interested in watching more than one game a week with me.

My question is, how can I get my girlfriend to start watching more Twins games with me without her complaining about it? By watching, I mean actually engaged in the game, not just sitting on the couch next to me playing Angry Birds for 3 hours. Or am I destined to spend every night during baseball season alone for the rest of my life?

Thanks,

Miffed in Minnesota

Dear Miffed,

Gotta say, your girlfriend being willing to sit on the couch next to you, even playing Angry Birds, doesn’t sound so bad. I posed your question to my wife, who gets up from the couch when I turn on a baseball game– and if our apartment had more rooms than it does, she would definitely go to another one of those rooms. Her first question was whether you watch with the announcers on. News to me that the announcers were part of the problem for her, but she said– and this is a direct quote, because I wrote it down– “I think I would definitely be more interested in watching if instead of announcers, the game was set to music.”

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Ask NotGraphs! (#2)

by
February 2, 2012

Dear NotGraphs,

For the past 2+ years, I have worked as a prosecuting attorney. After a full year of handling felony offenses, I find myself overwhelmed by the enormous caseload and constant stress of being exposed to our community’s seedy criminal underbelly. Lately, thoughts of changing my occupation have been gaining momentum in my mind. On top of that, my league’s keepers are tied to where they were drafted the previous year. All teams must keep three players: one pitcher, one batter, and one of either. Which of the following players would you recommend keeping: Ryan Braun (taking the place of my 2nd round pick), Joey Votto (5th round), Robinson Cano (1st round), Jacoby Ellsbury (9th round), David Price (14th round), Madison Bumgarner (16th round), Jair Jurrjens (21nd round), or Doug Fister (22nd round)? Please keep in mind that my student loans from law school still total over $130,000. Thank you kindly for your advice.

P.S. It’s a 10-team points league with standings based on total points accumulation over the entire season. Each hitter’s position has a 162 games played limit, and there is a 1500 IP limit for the entire pitching staff. My student loans are on an income-based repayment plan, with the balance to be forgiven if I reach 10 years of employment for a government agency or nonprofit.

Sincerely,
Concerned in Colorado

Dear Concerned,

Fortunately, you’ve touched on my two areas of fake expertise, fantasy baseball and the law. Let’s start with your keepers. First, I have to assume that Ryan Braun is off the table, given that you work for law enforcement. What kind of example would it set if prosecutors could own steroid scofflaws on their fantasy teams? I was afraid to even bid on Barry Bonds in fantasy auctions when I was in law school. Also, I’m almost certain I read recently that anyone who’s ever owned Ugueth Urbina is under house arrest until 2024. Okay, until they officially decide on Braun’s appeal, I guess he’s presumed innocent, but you know better than I do that no one who’s accused of anything is ever actually innocent. So he’s out.

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Ask NotGraphs!

by
January 26, 2012

Dear NotGraphs,

I recently started dating a girl who has no idea how intense I am about my fantasy baseball league. I’m afraid she’ll freak out when she finds out about how I print out multiple spreadsheets to prep for Draft Day, frequently slobber over prospect reports and field trade offers in the shower. I know I cannot be the only person in this situation so I think it would make for an excellent column on the site.

(note: this is an actual e-mail from an actual reader, swear on my fantasy team.)

Dear Reader,

I hate to start off attacking the premise of the question, but, dude, she knows. I know you don’t think she knows, but she does. Women are skilled like that. My wife comes home and she immediately knows everything I’ve eaten, touched, looked at, anything. “You watched 30 Rock already? I thought we were going to watch it together!” “What? How do you know I watched 30 Rock?” “There’s a crumb of cereal on the floor near the couch, that I can somehow see from fifteen feet away. So I know you were eating cereal on the couch, and so I know you must have been watching something on TV while you were eating it, and since there was nothing else on the DVR, I know you watched 30 Rock without me.” It’s like “The Mentalist.” Which I also watched on the DVR without her.

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