Burger King Stole Phil Garner’s Mustache

Burger King,

We used to be cool. We had a nice arrangement. I would give you a small amount of money in exchange for delicious meals prepared my way, so long as my way involved a preset number of vegetables and microwaved meat paste. You have that mascot that technically isn’t but totally is wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. You supplied joy and sustenance to people, and you only screwed up my orders like 14% of the time.

But what you’ve done here, this is egregious. This ruptures our relationship beyond repair. No amount of Triple Stackers ®  or Carolina BBQ Tendercrisp ® sandwiches can make up for the fact that you took away Phil Garner’s mustache. Why would you do such a thing? Why would you choose to deprive us of one the most gorgeous gifts that this life has to offer?

I’m not so much mad as I am confused. And hurt. If I had any fancies of there being a God in heaven, you have certainly dashed them now, Burger King. Or should I call you BURLGAR King? And to rub all our noses in it by making Phil Garner appear on TV with a naked upper lip! Have you no decency? Are you some kind of sadist?

I’m putting out an Amber Alert for Phil Garner’s mustache right now. Now you’re gonna get it.

 

AMBER ALERT ISSUED FOR THE GREATER REGION OF PLANET EARTH:

NAME: PHIL GARNER’S MUSTACHE (ALIASES: BIG FLUFFY, THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR, TOM JONES JR.)

MISSING FROM: THE HEARTS OF AMERICA

LAST SEEN: ON SOME LADY’S VULVA

DESCRIPTION: ADORABLE, QUIVER-INDUCING, BROWN.

 

I’m reminded of something my father told me a long time ago: “Jesus. Everything is fucking chore with you.” That has no relevance here, but it’s just something I think about every day. However, he also said another thing: “Don’t start what you can’t finish.” I hope you’re prepared to finish this, Burger King. Because I am. And I have a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter Phil Garner’s mustache go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Shots fired. Your move.

 

(h/t to Robert Ford for the video)