Brian Roberts’ Next Injury

BALTIMORE– Brian Roberts strained a flexor tendoligastring yesterday while riding a stationary bike, when the bike suddenly became not-stationary and started moving. Roberts, unprepared for the bike’s motion, fell off. This injury marks the fourteenth consecutive rehab assignment that has caused Roberts more injury than he was trying to heal in the first place, and cements his status as extremely cursed and very broken.

“I don’t know how my arm fell off at the elbow,” Roberts said last week in front of a crowd of reporters, before a piece of the ceiling fell and hit him on the knee, shattering it into hundreds of tiny knee-parts and also causing him to contract Fallen Ceiling Fever, an infectious disease that will keep him sidelined for the next 9-12 generations.

“I don’t know how my arm fell off at the elbow,” Roberts repeated in front of a different crowd of reporters, evidence of the post-post-post-concussion syndrome he’s been suffering from ever since he hit his head on his high chair at age 2. Roberts, who retains as much speed and agility as a player could possibly have after losing both legs, and then losing each of the prosthetic replacements upwards of a dozen times, was most recently injured while explaining his latest injury to a reporter. While talking, Roberts’ tongue somehow got caught in a pitching machine, an injury which required fourteen stitches and is likely to keep him out of action until the polar ice caps finish melting.

Roberts insists he will make it back to regular status one day, even if the Orioles are no longer a professional baseball team, and second base has been replaced with a robot drone in the post-apocalyptic version of baseball. While dreaming of this future, Roberts unfortunately sprained an eye, and strained his head. He is expected to begin a rehab assignment next week in Alpha Centauri.