Author Archive
Inserting Delmon Young’s Name Into Works of “Literature”
I didn’t want to do two of these so close together, but then Delmon Young had to go and sign with the Baltimore Orioles this week, meaning it’s once again time for the royal We to insert Delmon Young’s name into a shitty representation of the Western Canon, thus diminishing these works even further into the flammable morass of Lake Erie that is realty-TV-based popular culture.
Today, Delmon Young plays the part he was born to play, as a terrible baseball player searching for someone, anyone to guide him, in Notgraphs-subsidized Internet GIF-maker and notable quitter David Temple’s favorite book, The Kid Who Only Hit Homers*:
*By the way, having re-read the first couple pages of this book for the purposes of this post, I just want to say that the ghost of Babe Ruth comes off as a total pedophile. No child should ever read this book again lest they be encouraged to accept “private coaching” from complete strangers after practice.
Inserting Brian Kenny, Susan Slusser, Ken Rosenthal, and Mike Piazza’s Names Into Works of Literature For Some Reason
On NotGraphs, the readers are entertained by one of two kinds of articles: the kind that require work and creativity and those where somebody’s name is hastily inserted into a work of literature. This is the latter.
Today, certain circumstances have conspired to make it necessary that the Royal We insert self-appointed stathead icon Brian Kenny, former BBWAA president Susan Slusser, Fox Sports reporter Ken Rosenthal, and former catcher Mike Piazza’s names into a revered representation of the Western Canon, thus making it much louder and unlisten-to-able.
In today’s episode, self-appointed stathead icon Brian Kenny conducts an inquiry in the town of Salem to the tune of Arthur Miller’s seminal work, The Crucible. Any further meaning you may or may not take out of this insertion is entirely on you.
BRIAN KENNY: I am a stranger here, as you know. And in my ignorance I find it hard to draw a clear opinion of them that come accused before the court. And so this afternoon, and now tonight, I go from house to house-I come now from Mike Piazza’s house and-
SUSAN SLUSSER, shocked: Piazza’s charged!
BRIAN KENNY: God forbid such a one be charged. She is, however-mentioned somewhat.
SUSAN SLUSSER, with an attempt at a laugh: You will never believe, I hope, that Piazza trafficked with the Devil.
BRIAN KENNY: Woman, it is possible.
KEN ROSENTHAL, taken aback: Surely you cannot think so.
BRIAN KENNY: This is a strange time, Mister. No man may longer doubt the powers of the dark are gathered in monstrous attack upon this village. There is too much evidence now to deny it. You will agree, sir?
KEN ROSENTHAL, evading: I- have no knowledge in that line. But it’s hard to think so pious a catcher be secretly a Devil’s bitch after forty-five year of such good prayer.
BRIAN KENNY: Aye. But the Devil is a wily one, you cannot deny it.
No, Brian. Indeed, we cannot deny how wily the devil has become. We cannot deny it at all.
Glasscock Again Denied Access To Hallowed Hall
In what has sadly become an annual tradition, once again the BBWAA has failed to elect John Wesley “Pebbly Jack” Glasscock to the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Glasscock, whose major league career extended 17 seasons from 1879-1895, stood out as one of the finest shortstops of the 19th century. With the stick in his hand, Glasscock managed to hit .290/.337/.374 (a 112 OPS+) and was a defensive whiz to boot. According both Fangraphs and Baseball Reference, Glasscock measured in excess of 60 wins above replacement for his career, and was easily one of the 20 most valuable shortstops in baseball history despite playing in an era where teams often played fewer than 100 games a year.
Standing just 5’8”, Glasscock was smaller than most of his contemporaries, but it proved to be more important how he used his size, as he played his position like a much bigger man and he would invariably leave his teams more than satisfied with his performance. In his prime, it was difficult indeed to get him off the field, as he led the majors in games played at short through 1899. He was always a man in motion, had intimate knowledge of the ins and outs of the sport, and seemingly would always come through in the clutch.
Some Jaws, Ranked
1) The screen reading software, allowing blind people to use computers — That JAWS seems pretty important. Bonus: people can use this JAWS to learn about the next JaWS.
2) Jaffe WAR Score — Developed by mustachioed dynamo Jay Jaffe for Baseball Prospectus, and currently featured in his work on Sports Illustrated, this JaWS helps us sort through worthy and unworthy Hall of Fame candidates. Read the rest of this entry »
Baseball Toy Reviews – Holiday Edition, Part 1
There’s so much pressure around the Holidays, so many extra responsibilities for which we’re not terribly well prepared, such as having to tolerate our families without getting too drunk on good bourbon and falling asleep on the sofa on Christmas Eve, thereby scarring our children. Or perhaps you need to stay extra vigilant so that the kids aren’t left alone with racist Uncle Walt, who has been known to explain that the reason he keeps an assault rifle in a locked, glass cabinet in his home office is he wants to “be ready when they come over the wall” if he isn’t being engaged in conversation about the local football 11. Or maybe you have to be ready to open, unbind, and put batteries in every damn toy your kid receives before he erupts and smashes the egg nog punch bowl on the floor in a fit of rage. Or you might need to sell your plasma to pay for said presents.
Whatever else you wind up having to do this holiday season, the last thing you need is to have to figure out extra presents to buy at the last moment for the little baseball fans in your life. You’re stressed out enough without having to worry about whether the bat you buy is likely to murder the opposing pitcher with a comebacker, or Big League Chew is vegan, or Upper Deck baseball cards give paper cuts, or if vintage Starting Lineup figures are choking hazards. That’s why I’m here, providing you with access to the weird world of YouTube online toy reviews to help make your decision-making process easier, just like I did before.
We’ll start with something simple. A plush baseball is always appreciated:
Back in the Game: Final(?) Episode Review and Recap
In what may be an early Christmas gift to all of us, I think this is the last episode of Back in the Game that’s scheduled to air. Next week, ABC is scheduled to show re-runs of Modern Family, The Goldbergs, and The Middle before Barbara Walters is going to talk about people who fascinate her in the softest focus allowable by law. And none of the other three episodes that the network ordered are scheduled to air. So congratulations, everybody, we made it!
And what an episode to go out on, as the Angles learn they’re supposed to play on Christmas Day (what?!?), and Dick, the misogynist league president, encourages them to forfeit. Since they haven’t scored a run all year, the Angles override the objections of Coach Terry and vote to enjoy Christmas instead of getting their brains beat in.
Meanwhile, since his family never came to visit him over the holidays before, The Cannon ejects Terry and Danny from his house on Christmas so he can play poker with other old farts who don’t have any family (including a slumming Elliot Gould) and some strippers. Meanwhile, Terry is so obsessed with having a perfect Christmas for Danny that she ruins it, first by causing a mall Santa to go into diabetic shock, then getting her car towed, and then ranting to an entire Christmas party full of people about how shitty her holiday has been, and how she wants to quit Christmas like her team quit on her.
Trading Half of Justin Masterson Is Not As Crazy As It Sounds
Bob Nightengale says that the Yankees are looking into trading for Justin Masterson. Meanwhile, Buster Olney says there are “no legs” to that rumor. Who’s to say they can’t both be right? Sure, any offer for Masterson would have to be dramatically reduced to compensate for having no legs. After all, as this lip-smacking, possibly-eating-while-video-podcasting YouTube pitching coach points out, back leg drive is an integral part of generating a pitcher’s velocity:
That said, Justin Masterson’s strong strikeout numbers are supported by his plus-plus ability to generate ground balls, and starting from closer to the ground may actually make Masterson more effective in keeping the ball down. This intriguing possibility could be worth a mid-level prospect, or a good A-ball arm for the Yankees.
Back In the Game, Episode 9 Recap and Review
Guys, we did it! We have an episode of Back In the Game that is not actively entirely awful, which is kind of amazing for an episode whose title (Massive Election) is a dick joke. It’s still kind of awful, and it’s in no way even the smallest bit amusing, but I think we can all agree that an episode devoid of our usual fare of fat jokes, and casual racism and sexism masquerading as humor is a genuine step forward for this horrifying television program that has defied God and nature and remained on the air for almost three months already.
This week’s episode is about leadership, as Terry schemes to usurp Dick the misogynist league president as league president while Danny refuses to be the captain of the Angles. The Angles, you see, are having trouble getting everyone to practice, since their field times conflict with all the players’ other extra-curricular activities (including, as we learn in the episode’s one funny line, Dong’s job). Cannon thinks the kids need a leader to rally them and get them to attend, while Terry goes chasing after Dick’s golf cart to get their practice time changed.
Well, Dick can’t change the practice times without upsetting the other two teams on the schedule, and Terry’s follow-up attempt to get the schedule changed at the league meeting is also a bust until Dick tells her, if she were president, she could change the times herself. So Terry begins campaigning, quickly lining up four of the five votes she’ll need to take over the presidency by promising to end Dick’s various abuses of power. The final vote comes down to Stan, who abandons his high school buddy for use of the league’s golf cart, despite knowing that the league presidency is the only good thing Dick really has going in his life.
Raising the Dave Cameron Threat Level
During his weekly appearance on Fangraphs Audio this Monday, Dave Cameron took a break from being frustrated with Carson Cistulli to express his frustration with how many transactions there have been thusfar, and how burned out he has been writing up reactions to them. This sounds like complaining to the layman, but is actually an early signal to the Dave Cameronologists of NotGraphs that we may need raise the Dave Cameron threat level:
