Five english-language “Haiku” (the 5-7-5 / elementary school variety) inspired by these photographs of baseball players. Pictures from the endlessly beautiful Library of Congress archive.
A woman in the
bleachers just fell deep in love
with his follow-through.
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I dreamt last night that I received an email from José Bautista wanting to know whether or not FanGraphs ever talked about “big stars” like him for our “fluff pieces.” His attitude was kind of snippy in the email, but the takeaway was that he was 1. reading NotGraphs, and 2. annoyed that I spent so much time thinking about the likes of José Altuve when he himself exists.
In the dream, I responded to the email suggesting that we get together for coffee and have an interview, but he told me that he doesn’t date “reporters.” Obviously when I woke up, that left me with very little meat for my story about José Bautista, so instead here are some more pictures of Major League Baseball players with gloves on their head.
You may have heard that Aroldis Chapman was arrested for speeding yesterday.
In other breaking news:
– Francisco Liriano arrested for jaywalking.
– Cole Hamels arrested for child abuse.
– Jaime Moyer arrested for loitering.
– Brett Lawrie arrested for disorderly conduct.
– Emilio Bonifacio arrested for not coming to a complete stop.
– Michael Bourn arrested for hit and run.
– Carlos Lee arrested for larceny.
– Giancarlo Stanton arrested for breaking and entering.
– Josh Hamilton arrested for illegally discharging a weapon.
– Albert Pujols arrested for illegally carrying a concealed weapon.
– Jim Johnson arrested for vigilantism.
– Chuck Knoblauch arrested for sexual harassment.
– Mariano Rivera’s ACL arrested for obstruction of justice.
FB shares are going for around $40. I’d rather spend my money on any of this.
Oakland Athletics’ Pitcher Brett Anderson made a joke last night:
clique to embiggen
For a change of pace, I did today’s comic on my Wacom Tablet (which I never use).
In my first ever post for NotGraphs, I wrote about feeling sorry for C.C. Sabathia after a bad start, even though I know that he makes millions of dollar bills. I wrote “You ever watch a kid try to do something and not be able to work it out? They just watched some other kid do the same thing, but they just can’t get their chubby, tiny hands around the pieces to do the thing themselves? Or when an older woman starts digging for change in a tiny coin purse and she just can’t pull the pennies out because her hands are shaky? That look. Helplessly watching someone struggle with something they know they should be able to do is in my all time bottom five of feelings, right next to when I make a special trip to 7-11 and the coke side of the slurpee machine is broken.”
Which is exactly how I feel watching Pujols this year. I’m not going to join in the discussion of whether he’ll turn it around, because I’m not an expert on swing mechanics or regression and aging. He’s on my home league fantasy team — I used my first draft pick on him two years ago and people made fun of me the following year when I used my one “franchise pick” on Matt Wieters instead, but obviously that doesn’t look so dumb now. Which isn’t to say that I anticipated this, not by any stretch. I put him on my bench the other day and played Todd effing Helton instead. It felt so wrong that it made me kind of nauseous.
Selfish complaints aside, I just feel sorry for the guy. Maybe other people (Angels fans? St. Louis fans?) look at Albert and see a guy who’s raking in millions and not doing shit for it. I see the same thing, except I just know it just kills him. This guy cares so much that it physically hurts me to watch him fail. He’s so stoic about everything and there’s barely ever any outward sign of his frustration — which just makes it all the more poignant to me. Now the Angels have fired his hitting coach, which will either “work” as a placebo to start to improve his season, OR make him feel even more guilty because a guy lost his job over something that we all know deep down probably wasn’t really his fault.
Dear Albert,
It gets better?
Hopefully,
Summer Anne.
Time spent watching this GIF: >Five minutes.
People in the dugout paying attention to this display: Zero, miraculously.
Number of slaps in Bautista/Lawrie’s pre-dancing handshake: Two.
Time spent trying to decide how to possibly articulate how lovable it is: Around one hour.
Time spent trying to figure out who the “better” dancer, Jose Bautista or Brett Lawrie: 20 minutes.
Answers to the questions I sought: Zero.
via Reddit, H/T Old Time Family Baseball
I would like to present to you all some highlights from the Charm School Guide of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Honestly and without snark, I have always found the bulk of it to be pretty great advice for life in general, regardless of gender or propensity for baseball. I have edited out some less applicable bits, and emphasis is added. Good luck out there, All-Americans!
“If you plan your days to establish an easy and simple routine, so that your meals are regular and well balanced, so that you have time for outside play and relaxation, so that you sleep at least eight hours each night, and so that your normal functions are regular, you will be on the alert, do your job well, and gain the greatest joy from living. Always remember that your mind and your body are interrelated, and you cannot neglect one without causing the other to suffer. A healthy mind and a healthy body are the true attributes of the All-American girl.”
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1. I actually had to google Carly Rae Jepsen, the artist behind this gummy candy of a song — I had heard the name but had no idea how to identify her otherwise. I found out a bunch of stuff, like: she’s 26 (about ten years older than I figured when I heard the song). She placed third in the fifth season of Canadian Idol, which is, um, Canada’s version of American Idol (this is in keeping with a long tradition of non-winning finalists going on to more success after Idol than the winners, except for Kelly Clarkson, who is obviously the best thing that has/will ever come of that atrocious television show). She was the first musician signed to Justin Bieber’s Schoolboy Records, supposedly after the kid heard her sing and demanded her for his kingdom. She actually is quite pretty, in that kind of approachable (read: brunette) way that other girls aren’t spiteful about. She grew up on James Taylor, which I did as well, so I sympathize with that, but now “spins” La Roux and Kimbra, and I don’t know what those things are.
2. As for Harvard’s baseball team, I learned that they were ranked 233rd among Div I NCAA teams this past season, going 12-30 during the season with a team batting average of .285, an OBP of .350, and a slugging percentage of .368. You know what, though? These guys aren’t getting paid. Baseball isn’t their job and they’re probably pretty good at doing what all college athletes are theoretically at school for anyway (learnin’ and shit). I’m happy for them that despite a pretty dismal season, they decided to choreograph this dance routine to Carly Rae Jepsen’s Call Me Maybe.
3. But more than that, I’m happy for all of us that we get to watch it. It is truly a delight to behold, a present in YouTube form, bound to inspire Actual Smiling — unless your face is paralyzed, in which case, I’m sorry, and I hope you’re smiling on the inside! This is great, really. Thank you, handsome college dudes.
It was inevitable.
[Nerd disclaimer: yes, the 2012 movie Avengers, I love comics as well, but this is a topical post and getting into complicated world of gray Hulk or whatever, is too much for me right now. I did spend 15 hours watching Avengers movies yesterday.]
Alex Rodriguez IS Iron Man.
Listen, it hurts me too, but no one fits the description “millionaire playboy narcissist” like A-Rod does. Does he have the charm of Robert Downey Jr.’s Tony Stark? Maybe not. Does he have the ridiculous amount of money, the ego, the ladies, and the genius for baseball heroics? Yes. Also, steroids = the suit, obviously.
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