We weren’t all born as beautiful as Gabe Kapler. But we were born better looking than the ugly ones, so we can get a little happiness from the downward social comparison that is picking the All Ugly Team.

Also, let’s be clear. Your faithful correspondent is placing himself as the bench coach of this team. Ugly enough to belong, but not ugly enough to lead the team. Plus, we know that God Loves Ugly, so there’s that. And! I’ve never played a second of organized ball for a dime, so they have all got something on me, and most of you I presume.

But we can still have a little fun with this, can’t we?

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You have the old man of the group, the antlers.

Hey Mickey you so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey.

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Maddening.

Baseball, and life, can sometimes devolve into a spiral of sounds and colors. Drunken sailors on this choppy sea, we try to find one thing to hang on to before it slips away again and leaves us bewildered. In and out and up and down and yet we try to come back to that one, stable anchor in our vision. Your own hand at the bar. That woman’s foot. The gleaming brass doorknob. That white pillow. But it’s folly — you’ll eventually end up rolled up in a ball in the bathroom, screwed up and hurting, recounting the moments that led you down this path. How did this happen?

Four views. No view.

Staying with a friend who doesn’t have cable but does have an iPad, so it was time to see what post-season baseball on the ‘Pad would look like. It’s also been a long couple of weeks on the road, and my thoughts no longer come fully formed. Here, then, are my notes, which taken in sum can provide a review of MLB At Bat ’11, the iPad app from MBL.tv — or at least hopefully they will.

* Man this resolution is terrible. And I can’t figure out how to improve it. Is this my problem? Am I already this old? Am I fat-fingering ‘e-mail thingermerbobbers’ after my dial-up finishes screeching? I can’t be. Can I put this in the review?

* Chase Utley is so dreamy. How can he be so ruggedly handsome and yet finely coiffed at the same time? Is it the pomade? Is it the soul patch? And then his game is so saber-friendly. If only he weren’t a Phillie.

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THIS IS VERY EXCITING.

In my writeup about BlogsWithBalls 4.0 and the future of blogging, there was some discussion of the role of access in a blogger’s life. It’s complicated.

Access to players can harm a writer’s ability to be coldly analytical. How does one dismiss a hot start as a BABIP-driven streak and then hang out with the player in the dugout later? Or knock a contract as too generous and then congratulate the player on signing it? Or point out that a trade brought too little back and then meet the new players in the clubhouse? Access can create a bit of a pickle, especially for the snarky blogger.

But access, combined with analytics, can also be very exciting.

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Deion Sanders, trying to bring fashion to bloggers at the Van Heusen Institute of Style #BWB4 Kickoff Party also presented by Captain Morgan & Guinness Black Lager.

What is a blog? What is a blogger?

At BlogsWithBalls 4.0, hosted this past weekend by Bloomberg Sports in their fabulous digs, those questions seemed prevalent. Though never specifically addressed, the struggle to define the blog and its writer simmered below the surface. Questions of access, funding, and innovation were all debated openly in the mostly excellent panels and yet it often felt like an element was missing.

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Marketing Executive #1: Hello everyone and thank you for coming in today. Here are your Blue Sky thinking sheets.

Andre Dawson: Uh? My Blue Sky sheet’s blank.

Marketing Executive #2: Yes, it’s a blank sheet for you to use in our brainstorming exercise.

Andre Dawson: So why did you call it… never mind.

Marketing Executive #1: Okay it’s time. Please clear your minds. Listen only to the sound of my voice as I soothe away the outside world. We’re ready for inspiration here, and we’re opening our minds. Slowly opening our minds. Slowly exploring the darkness, and expanding above this room.

Jeffrey Loria: You’re fired.

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We’re always trying to search for meaning here, even (especially?) among the Joe West ejections and hot GIF action posts. So when we hit this next picture from a Mets game, it was clear that the search must continue. Why? Why?

Can you spot the second meme?

Well, so, yeah. Why? I mean we can find the original Banaphone song by Raffi and there’s little that seems to predict the explosion of an internet meme. The word ‘ring’ might make up half of the lyrics, and the topics, yeah he sings for children:

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1) Actually, that title is somewhat of a misnomer. This first balk is, like, totally obvious.

Show #9 (Season 2)
“The Unnatural”
Larry’s softball team has a chance of winning the championship, but with their star player unavailable, Larry’s hopes of winning the coveted trophy might rest on Balki’s shoulders.

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Just your typical Triple-A lifer.

If only Fernando Perez was a better ball player. Then again, if he was, it might be unfair to the rest of the men in the world. He’s — forgive the fawning — an excellent renaissance man even without good baseball results at the time being.

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