Joe West wants the Internet to be free. We stand united.

SOPA: You’re outta here.

Original image credit: Salon.com.

Pascual Perez was quite the interesting cat. At first, I wondered: How can a man who stands six feet, two inches tall weigh only 163 pounds? The answer: Drugs. Of course! Cocaine, to be more specific. Helluva drug, I’m told. Back in March 1992, after failing a drug test, Perez accused the New York Yankees of setting him up. A month later, Perez said, “I’m not the bad guy. The procedure was bad. I did nothing wrong.” The first step — again, so I’ve been told — is admitting you have a problem.

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I’m at work. On a Sunday. So, naturally, I’m procrastinating. Mere moments ago, I stumbled upon “Negro League Baseball,” by Natural Resource, a track I’d never heard before, on YouTube. Which makes this breaking news. Get it, “Heard this”? Oh, come on.

Anyway: Hip hop and baseball, two of my favorite things. Bless the Internet.

Baseball is not just a sport
It’s the verbal, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional level
That we are on.

Natural Resource: Baseball nerds.

The folks at Viva El Birdos have outdone themselves. Let’s get right down to business: Here’s the original, via Getty Images:

And here are, as I like to call them, the masterpieces:

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Over the weekend, an anonymous — and very disgruntled — employee of the New York Metropolitans took part in New York Magazine’s feature, “A Workplace Confidential.” No punches were pulled. Witness:

It’s really sad to see what the Mets have become: A great franchise, on the biggest stage in sports, is now a laughingstock. Ownership is trying to turn the Mets, a big-market franchise, into a small-market franchise. That’s not just sad, it’s disgusting.

You know what I think when I read about the Mets nowadays? We’ve become the Oakland A’s. We’re the Pittsburgh Pirates. Our fans deserve better than that. You can’t possibly build a dynasty when you’re cutting costs left and right. The only way to turn it around is to sell the team.

Nobody wants to be compared to the A’s. Or the Pirates. Especially not the Pirates. I mean, at least the A’s have Moneyball, a 20-game win streak, the playoffs, and a feature film starring Brad Pitt. The Pirates have nothing save for PNC Park. And Andrew McCutchen. But back to the Mets. It gets worse. Prepare to say goodbye to David Wright:

Reyes and David Wright were the heart of that team. Those were the guys the Mets had to build around. But now that Reyes is in Miami, Wright will be traded by the All-Star break. If they’re going to run this like a small-market team, that’s the way it’s going to unfold. If I’m David Wright, I’d want to be gone.

That’s because it’s going to be a long summer–you’re talking about last place. It’s a tough division all of a sudden. Who do we have that’s going to beat Stephen Strasburg or Cliff Lee? Who’s going to match up against Tim Hudson or Tommy Hanson? We won’t even be able to beat Mark Buehrle. Everyone in the division has at least one big weapon that we don’t have.

And all of a sudden, I’m looking forward to watching Mark Buehrle face the Mets.

Anyway, after spending almost all of Monday morning, afternoon, and night on the phone, exhausting all our sources, the resolute NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has personally informed me that they’ve confirmed the identity of New York Magazine’s anonymous writer: Mr. Met.

When I reached Mr. Met for comment, he initially denied that he’d written the piece:

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If there’s one thing we take very seriously  at NotGraphs, it’s bringing to your attention baked delights that are baseball-related. So, look at it. Look at that frigging baseball glove made of cupcakes. Isn’t it amazing? At first, I wasn’t even sure what to say about it. Upon feasting — pun intended — my eyes on it, I was rendered speechless. I may or may not have reached out with my right hand and touched the screen of my laptop; touched the baseball glove made of cupcakes.

(I did.)

But, really, what is there to say? It’s beautiful. It’s freedom. And surely delicious. I may or may not have dreamed of eating it last night.

(I did. And Kevin Mench. Not eating Kevin Mench, you sick bastard. I dreamed about eating the cake, and then, later on, I ran into Kevin Mench. I made sure that he knew I’ll never forgive him for breaking Roy Halladay’s leg in 2005. Strange dream, I know. Very strange. But I guess it’s about that time of year — Januarys in Canada make you question your life choices — when I begin to dream of mediocre baseball players.)

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again: I’m hungry. They’ve thought of everything.

Cupcake glove tap to this Tumblr account.

Yes

— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) January 2, 2012

I’ve thought long and hard about just which question of mine Peter Gammons answered — with one single, solitary tweet — yesterday afternoon. Turns out, he answered them all:

Will the Toronto Blue Jays ever make the goddamn playoffs again?

Is Prince Fielder actually a real-life vegetarian?

Is the Euro ever going to collapse, or what?

Should you — should we all — pray for the Baltimore Orioles?

Is Roy Halladay a God amongst men?

Are these the best candidates the Republicans could find?

Seriously?

Is Hanley Ramirez sincere in saying he’ll actually move over to third base?

Is Bud Selig pretty please going to finally frigging retire?

Is “Swag” truly the name of Bryce Harper’s new dog?

Now that she ditched that Brand loser, I’ve got a shot with Katy Perry, right?

Will the Expos ever return?

Is everyone else as sick of the Hall of Fame debate as I am?

And, finally, is baseball closer to returning to our lives today than it was yesterday?

I’ll answer that last one myself: God, yes.

Thank you, Professor Gammons. Without you, we are nothing.

You’re going to want to embiggen. Actually, click here.

While there are plenty of brilliant outcomes to choose from, my favorite one is: “Why?”

I feel you, Orioles fans. I do. But, as the flowchart accurately points out, at least you’ve got a fabulous ballpark.

A tip of the cap — a brand new Orioles one — to the Tumblr account of Billy, 22, from Virginia, which he’s named, “You Will Always Be A Loser.” Billy’s a true Orioles fan, no doubt.

NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank has personally informed me know that as 2011 ends, so too does our first full calendar year on the immaculate Internet. We had fun this year. We hope you did, too.

Thanks for reading NotGraphs in 2011, and I wish you and yours a most prosperous new year. Here’s to 2012. As Roy Halladay once oh-so-eloquently put it: “It’s only gonna get funner.”

Oh yeah: 2011, you’re gone!

On Friday March 4, 2011, shortly after 6:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, reader Matt. D. sent us a whited-out picture of Joe West, along with the words, “if you have some time, have some fun!” We had time. We definitely had fun. Today, Joe West is at home in the NotGraphs logo. Personally, I like to think that Joe West — and Dick Allen — own honorary NotGraphs degrees. (Even though we don’t award honorary degrees. That’s how exclusive they are.) Anyway, thank you, Matt. May your light shine brightest in 2012. And, on a somewhat related note, the original 2011 image up there comes to you via PSD Graphics and Development Horizons. Both of them. A real team effort. Thank you, too.

His personalized, Millar-emblazoned, Baltimore Orioles bathrobe. Yeah. Also, please note the “COWBOY UP” bumper sticker on the back of Millar’s massive truck. It’s a lifestyle, yo.

And, if you’re still not convinced, yes, it really is him:

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