Author Archive

Commissioner’s Statement Regarding Miami-Toronto Trade

by
November 20, 2012

In order to more fully understand the Commissioner’s reasoning, I have used Google’s powerful language tools to translate his statement from English into Japanese, then Czech, then Hebrew, then Vietnamese, then Afrikaans, then Russian, then Arabic, then Welsh, then back to English:

Since Tuesday, I have an agreement between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jay to be considered carefully. Welfare Division I baseball and our agreements for such transactions. I also have a contribution to participate in the transaction in the past, and consult with an experienced baseball operations.

Not after careful analysis of this information, including the prospects and young players and high reputation, and established the National Society, and the project agreement Baseball Club Baseball League 2 is consistent with the reliability current rules restrict what deductive, and is designed to improve the energy performance of all teams finish in time to avoid the same, of course, all transactions should be connected now or in the future in order to improve the ability of competitive and reasonable, but if any fans

“I understand, to hear from baseball on Tuesday, and I completely and organizations in the field of corporate social responsibility and social importance, and are sensitive to the interests of the masses of Bmarlins Miami this agreement, the club, and event value of our efforts to account Marlins Marlins rather than the information in the future together we beautiful part of the Miami community, to look forward to, to feel the force will continue to assess the situation under control, to fulfill the promise of ownership Marlins, they share this belief, it is committed to creating long-term team can be proud of its fans altogether.

Ah, now I get it.


World Baseball Classic: Afghanistan vs. Denmark

by
November 19, 2012

As the World Baseball Classic qualifiers continue, I wonder about a few countries outside the field of 28 teams. Sure, everyone knows that Australia, Japan, or Cuba can field excellent teams, but what about places like Belize or Bhutan?

Some Internet investigation has led me to Afghanistan and Denmark, two countries that have each produced just one major league ballplayer. Jeff Bronkey, who pitched for the Rangers and Brewers in the mid-90s, is, according to Baseball-Reference, the only player born in Afghanistan. Olaf Henriksen, who played for the Red Sox from 1911-1917, is the only player born in Denmark.

Henriksen did not have any plate appearances against Bronkey, but if he had, looking at their stats, I think he very well might have earned a walk.


Fake Retrospective: The Jeffrey Loria Presidency

by
November 16, 2012

Dispatch from an alternative universe…

BISMARCK, 2020. As the one-term Presidency of Jeffrey Loria comes to an end, we take time to reflect on his accomplishments. The United States in 2016 was of course a far different place than it is now. It’s hard to remember that there used to be fifty states. And the President’s house used to be painted white. And people lived here. President Loria swept into office promising to make the U.S. great again. And, indeed, for the first six days of his administration, he pretended to try to do just that. He hired the leaders of over two hundred other nations to come work for America, offering compensation far greater than they deserved, even to the old and decrepit ones. He appointed Ozzie Guillen to run the State Department. And he designed a brand new flag, with sparkly colors and real live fish on it. (Don’t think too hard about the details there.)

But then some kid somewhere failed his math test, and so Loria decided to cash out before the whole thing collapsed. So he traded our most expensive states — California, Texas, New York, and about thirty more — to Canada for a couple of uninhabited islands off the coast of Newfoundland, fired Ozzie Guillen and replaced him with a backup catcher, and convinced the taxpayers to fund a brand new Capitol Building in Bismarck, North Dakota, with a retractable roof and shiny sculpture that would shoot off fireworks whenever a bill was passed.

C-SPAN also canceled its coverage of Congress, because no one cared anymore.

And now the only remaining American of note, Justin Timberlake, is kinda pissed off.

Good luck to our incoming President, Mr. Fred Wilpon, as he looks to find a way out this mess.


Twitter Predicts The Free Agent Signings: Kelly Shoppach

by
November 8, 2012

Sorry, Twitter is pretty quiet regarding Kelly Shoppach.


Twitter Predicts The Free Agent Signings: Josh Hamilton

by
November 7, 2012


Twitter Predicts The Free Agent Signings: Zack Greinke

by
November 6, 2012


Top 10 Free Agents

by
November 5, 2012

1. Willie Mays
2. Willie Mays Hayes
3. George W. Bush
4. Al Gore
5. George H.W. Bush
6. Mitt Romney*
7. Mark Grace
8. Manny Acta
9. Bobby Valentine
10. Daisuke Matsuzaka

*If he does not receive a qualified offer tomorrow.


Octavio Dotel Likes Shoes

by
November 1, 2012

Perhaps you missed this piece in The Wall Street Journal:

Pro ballplayers these days collect cars and real estate. Mr. Dotel collects designer shoes. He buys about 20 high-price pairs a year—Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Prada. The Carrie Bradshaw of the majors says he has so many pairs he’s lost count. “What can I say, I love shoes,” says Mr. Dotel, his eyes lighting up, when a recent interview veered from baseball to footwear.

Of course, right now it’s nothing like when he was on the Cardinals:


People Also Search For… (Part I)

by
October 31, 2012

I just noticed that if you search for someone Google recognizes, it tells you who else similar searchers are also searching for. Most of my initial attempts to find something post-worthy in this feature were predictable and boring. And then:

And then, even better:

You are invited to try and beat that, but I don’t think you can.

Note: for purposes of making the image fit, I photoshopped some boring entries out of the first row. Goodbye, Johnny Grubb, Marty Castillo, and Barbaro Garbey.


Where Did Billy Beane Eat?

by
October 30, 2012

Athletics Nation has an awesome interview with Billy Beane, conducted right after the A’s were eliminated. A couple of highlights:

Bleszinski: What about Brandon Moss?

Beane: David (Forst) signed him as a six-year free agent during the winter. I really give a lot of credit on this one to Farhan (Zaidi –director of baseball operations). Farhan was screaming at us that we have to give this guy a chance. He had played infield as a high school kid even though it wasn’t first base. He at least had a background. Farhan was saying it the first month of the season and then May 1 he sent a long email, which was a “Moss Manifesto”, basically with a lot of statistical analysis saying that we needed to give this guy a chance.

Bleszinski: Were you and Bob [Melvin] already talking about 2013?

Beane: Yeah that and we’re friends. We have interests that we share beyond baseball. I’m going to New York next week to hang out with him. Bob is always really good at selecting restaurants in the village. He picked out a great one last time and I’m sure he’ll pick out a great one this time too.

Any guesses about where Billy and Bob ate?


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