This post is weird.

1. Fellow Writer I Met On the Internet

Fellow Writer I Met on the Internet is my top new friend prospect for 2013. Despite a low on-time percentage (OTP), he has a strong willingness to help with annoying errands (HLP) and easy-to-accommodate regular (R) eating habits. He scores very highly on e-mail response speed, averaging just under 60 minutes. Though he shows a low conversational depth score (30 on the 20-80 scale), the hope is that this will further develop as he grows more and more comfortable in the friendship. Putting it all together, he is a solid 1.5 Wins Above Replacement Friend (WARF), and looks to be a loyal and worthwhile addition to the 2013 lineup.

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I mean Anagram Contest Winners.

VERY HONORABLE MENTIONS:

From Big Daddy V:
DELMON YOUNG: Ungodly Omen

From Reillocity:
JOSH REDDICK: DJ Horsedick

From Valen Dreath:
PABLO SANDOVAL: Panda Oval Slob

From Well-Beered Englishman:
JOE BUCK AND TIM MCCARVER: Dim Jock, Vacant Cerebrum

From Danny Knobgobbler:
CARSON CISTULLI: Local Crisis Nut

AND THE WINNER:

From Chris Cwik:
MADISON BUMGARNER: Bang me, Mr. Dinosaur

Winners get their anagrams featured in a post later this week! What a prize!

These will not be the winners:
JUSTIN UPTON: Justin Up? Not.
MIKE TROUT: Mike Tutor
STEPHEN STRASBURG: Pets Banter, Shrugs
ANDREW MCCUTCHEN: Mac Crunched Newt
CLAYTON KERSHAW: Cy Heals War Knot
JUSTIN VERLANDER: Revel, Ninja Turds
BJ UPTON: BJ Up? Not.

These are a little better:
DUSTIN PEDROIA: Pa, I Dun Steroid!
BUSTER POSEY: Super Best, Yo.

(No, this is not the first time I’ve posted about anagrams.)

More on the new T-Mobile bullpen phone deal…

[scrippet]
EXT. WHITE SOX BULLPEN

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As Villanelle Week continues, one more from me…

Fantasy Choices I Have Made

Fantasy choices I have made
I’ve drafted Travis Snider twice
In every league in which I’ve played

I got Reid Brignac in a trade
In which James Shields was the price*
Fantasy choices I have made

Kila Kaaihue made the grade
Greg Colbrunn sounded awfully nice
In too many years I’ve played

I drafted Manny, I’m afraid
In 2012, and for a price
So many choices I have made

A-Jax or Ellsbury, I have weighed
And dropped them both with bad advice
Before the years so great they played

Oh, Justin Duchscherer! I once prayed
He would come back. I rolled the dice
Fantasy choices I have made
I’ve mostly lost in leagues I’ve played

*Shields for Troy Glaus, Reid Brignac, and Ervin Santana. 2009.

Again, as part of Villanelle Week here at NotGraphs, I offer:

A Villanelle about Villarreal

Villarreal shut down till spring
He has an elbow that is sore
Will he help the Tigers get a ring?

He throws it fast, the batters swing
In the pen, just Benoit struck out more
Villarreal shut down till spring

The heat mid-90s he can bring
But he was off the postseason roster before
Will he help the Tigers get a ring?

About his elbow he was complaining
It is inflamed, but nothing tore
Villarreal shut down till spring

They’re gonna have him stop throwing
He has had soreness there before
Will he help the Tigers get a ring?

To the bullpen this will sting
They thought perhaps he’d close the door
Villarreal shut down till spring
Will he help the Tigers get a ring?

As part of Villanelle Week here at NotGraphs, I offer:

Who Should Be In The Hall of Fame?

Who should be in the Hall of Fame?
Who do we think should get the call?
Should Bonds or Clemens hear his name?

Should we just say it’s all a game?
Not make Jeff Bagwell take the fall?
Who should be in the Hall of Fame?

Can’t we admit it’s all a shame?
But still reward who hit the ball?
Should Bonds or Clemens hear his name?

Should Mike Piazza take the blame?
Or does back acne say it all?
Who should be in the Hall of Fame?

Are speed and steroids all the same?
Does Raines’ cocaine use cast a pall?
Should Bonds or Clemens hear his name?

And does McGwire have a claim?
Do voters need more years to stall?
Who should be in the Hall of Fame?
Should Bonds or Clemens hear his name?

“…the best cure for fantasy baseball addiction is to force yourself to draft Colby Rasmus.”

“Without question, the Blue Jay is a far better bird than the Oriole.”

“…I hate to say it, but if you’re a Yankees fan and your son starts to root for the Red Sox, you have no choice but to take him to an open field, fifty miles away from home, push him out the car door and drive away, leaving him with only a Derek Jeter gift basket to remember you by.”

“Pass.”

“…a 62-inch flat screen TV, a subscription to the Extra Innings package, and an overflowing bowl of roasted kale chips, topped with black sesame seeds and Maldon sea salt.”

“One wife to go to the games with, and another wife to wait for you back home. Definitely.”

“…but only if she’s willing to wear a game-used Jim Leyland jersey.”

“Nine auctions, fourteen drafts, a random lottery, two auto-picks off an algorithm I created myself, and one league where I throw darts at a copy of the USA Today stats page from 1992 in order to pick my team.”

“…topped with mustard, sauerkraut, and the tears of the guy in your AL-only keeper league who owned Travis D’Arnaud.”

“Michael Bourn is definitely faster than a three-legged cheetah.”

“…with a pair of earphones hidden inside each arm of the protective goggles, so you can perform neurosurgery at the same time as you listen to the post-game show.”

“Alex Gordon Beckham.”

“…but don’t use an actual bat, because then you could really do some damage.”

Have a question for Ask NotGraphs!? Send! About baseball, not about baseball, doesn’t really matter, I’ll answer anything. E-mail me!

x Hall of Fame built atop ancient steroid factory (9 posts, 3 new)

x Michael Bourn, Shaun Marcum having secret love affair, scaring away potential suitors (21 posts, 20 new)

x A-Rod Dying of Natural Causes (110 posts, 71 new)

x Electric fence at Safeco stopping balls from leaving????? (3 posts, 1 new)

x New evidence Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell same person, also on steroids (17 posts, 14 new)

x Royals run by communists hell-bent on league-wide parity (2 posts, 2 new)

x Denard SPAN’s last name is NAPS backwards = he is fantasy SLEEPER! (44 posts, 29 new)

x Mike Napoli’s “hip problem” is code for SECRET PREGNANCY!!!!!!! (1 post, 1 new)

x Babe Ruth making comeback 2013? (26 posts, 25 new)

I am in possession of the toxic ballot. It’s not just the sight of performance-enhancing drugs, but the aroma of them, perhaps even our fear of them. My heart and head are engaged in a civil war. Those are the handcuffs I wear in filling out the ballot. Innocent until proven guilty, no matter how guilty he looks. That’s the way I’m going. I almost surely will vote for him… just not this year. I might change my mind someday. I have before. Time has a way of revealing the truth and shedding light on right and wrong and the reasons between the two. Doesn’t mean I will next year. Doesn’t mean I will in five years. It just means that my own internal debate continues, and if I sound indecisive, so be it. This is not an easy question to decide. Maybe time will help voters gain a better perspective on the steroid era. But for now, I’d feel dirty. I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t my mess to solve, and I wouldn’t be qualified to solve it even if it were. I’ve got an admittedly subjective, obviously independent way to vote: I decide my own damn self on a case by case basis if each individual qualifies for my own definition of Cooperstown worthiness. I believe PED use was part of a particular era of the game and the Hall of Fame should reflect those times. The place is a museum, after all. Yes, I am very uncomfortable submitting some of these names. I am choosing to speak loudly by using silence. This is my way of expressing my anger to baseball. Angry that the powers-that-be turned their backs while this was going on. Angry that it took us so long to shine light on it. The biggest dilemma I have from a numbers standpoint is that if some players’ numbers are artificially inflated and others are not, aren’t the honest ones paying a huge price for showing outstanding integrity, sportsmanship, and character? Remove those three words and the Hall of Fame becomes a museum with the game’s greatest players and nothing more, which is exactly what it should be. This one-year protest should make my point.