Dear NotGraphs,

–Ambiorix Ouellette

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The Wall Street Journal writes about “historically skinny” Chris Sale and his amazing feats of culinary indulgence:

In a four-hour masterpiece, Sale packed two ice cream sundaes and, by one teammate’s estimate, around 30 bags of potato chips into one of the skinniest bodies the sport has ever seen…. Before a game in Anaheim, Calif., last week, Sale polished off a chili cheese dog. Then he returned to the kitchen for two more…. Over the weekend, Sale was planning a trip to In-and-Out Burger, which he calls “my kryptonite.” He is also a loyal customer of McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Five Guys…. He also aspires to break the record for most cheesesteaks consumed by a visiting player in Philadelphia when the White Sox play there in July.

The 1927 Yankees were one of the best teams in history. But none of their players have made an impact on the field in years. Was it just that special mix of intangibles that made the 1927 team able to succeed in a way that none of its individual members have been able to for the past 80+ years? Or was it something else? NotGraphs has deployed its crack investigative team to take a look at where the 1927 Yankees are now, and whether they might ever be able to reunite and once again take the baseball world by storm.

Catcher Pat Collins is deceased. First baseman Lou Gehrig, sadly, is also deceased. Second baseman Tony Lazzeri was originally thought to be working in real estate in Jupiter, Florida, but is in fact deceased. Third baseman Joe Dugan, according to his Facebook page, is deceased. Shortstop Mark Koenig is deceased. Outfielder Earle Combs is deceased. Outfielder Bob Meusel, according to several highly-placed government sources, is deceased. There is no information available about the whereabouts of outfielder Babe Ruth. The entire starting rotation — Waite Hoyt, Urban Shocker, Herb Pennock, Dutch Ruether, and George Pipgras — is deceased. Police are still looking into whether any foul play (or balls) might be involved. Relief pitcher Bob Shawkey is deceased.

Despite quite possibly in some cases being scattered across the globe, we still believe there is hope for the team to reunite and perform competitively against the 2013 Marlins or Astros.

BALTIMORE– Brian Roberts strained a flexor tendoligastring yesterday while riding a stationary bike, when the bike suddenly became not-stationary and started moving. Roberts, unprepared for the bike’s motion, fell off. This injury marks the fourteenth consecutive rehab assignment that has caused Roberts more injury than he was trying to heal in the first place, and cements his status as extremely cursed and very broken.

“I don’t know how my arm fell off at the elbow,” Roberts said last week in front of a crowd of reporters, before a piece of the ceiling fell and hit him on the knee, shattering it into hundreds of tiny knee-parts and also causing him to contract Fallen Ceiling Fever, an infectious disease that will keep him sidelined for the next 9-12 generations.

“I don’t know how my arm fell off at the elbow,” Roberts repeated in front of a different crowd of reporters, evidence of the post-post-post-concussion syndrome he’s been suffering from ever since he hit his head on his high chair at age 2. Roberts, who retains as much speed and agility as a player could possibly have after losing both legs, and then losing each of the prosthetic replacements upwards of a dozen times, was most recently injured while explaining his latest injury to a reporter. While talking, Roberts’ tongue somehow got caught in a pitching machine, an injury which required fourteen stitches and is likely to keep him out of action until the polar ice caps finish melting.

Roberts insists he will make it back to regular status one day, even if the Orioles are no longer a professional baseball team, and second base has been replaced with a robot drone in the post-apocalyptic version of baseball. While dreaming of this future, Roberts unfortunately sprained an eye, and strained his head. He is expected to begin a rehab assignment next week in Alpha Centauri.

“…and welcome back to the, uh, next half of an inning here at the stadium this, uh, time of day, where both teams are trying their best to score some runs. Stepping up to the plate, there’s a number on his jersey, and, uh, hold on a second here… oh, wait, he’s not there anymore. Checking his number, and he just did something, and so now we move on to the next player, who’s definitely been up already in this game. He steps in, having quite a season so far, and the pitch is, yep, just as I expected. Here comes the next one, and it’s hit to the… yeah, he’s on a base now, definitely on a base. Before the game, he said he was going to try to do everything he could to help his team win, and he’s absolutely doing that. Just like he’s done his entire career. You know, he’s been talking a lot about this team’s chances, and told me before the game that when all is said and done, he thinks this team is going to have been one of the teams on which he’s played. Strong words from a proven member of the team’s roster. And now he’s on base– and we all know that when he’s on base, anything can happen, especially things involving baserunners. All of this brings us to today’s trivia question, sponsored by the friendly folks at one of our favorite sponsors. Who did… three times? I think I know the answer, and my producer is telling me… yes, I’ve got it. Maybe you do too. Noodle on that for a little while and we’ll get back to it in the top of the inning, if there are any innings left to go. And the guy standing at the plate takes that one, and does what he’s supposed to do next. Bringing the other guy to the plate, and he has had quite a series, both at the plate and in the field. He’s living up to everything we expected him to be, and shows no signs of doing anything but what he’s able to do. A real treat to watch this portion of his career. And… someone’s doing something, so that means we’ll take a quick break. Back next inning with a guy wearing a microphone, who will tell you all about what it’s like to be on that field, and take part in the exciting action. One team’s winning, or at least they will be by the time the game is over. We’ll be right back.”

Carson recently directed Hopeless Joe to the Baseball Hall of Fame’s scouting reports site, where you can waste an afternoon reading the original scouting reports on all of your favorite scrubs and stars, mostly from the late 1960s through the late 1990s. Did you know that scouts recognized that Kevin McReynolds was past his peak in 1994? Now you do.

Inspired by this site, Hopeless Joe decided to dig back into his own archives for some scouting reports of his own. And, there, buried in a drawer, between the half-empty bottle of Listerine that he takes a swig from when he just needs to feel some kind of feeling, and the stack of rejection slips from agents who were not so enamored with his short story collection, “Hopeless Joe’s Hopeless Tales of Hopeless Children in Hopeless Situations,” he came across the report he filed this spring on B.J. Upton, just before the Braves kicked him out of Champion Stadium for sitting in the center field camera’s shot line and holding up signs telling television viewers that one-third of all baseball spectators will one day get some form of cancer, and they should really turn the game off and go see a doctor.

In any case, Hopeless Joe’s Scouting Report: B.J. Upton.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I tried to repeat this accident of web searching with something a little more ambitious. Alas, searching for Heath Bars just prior to searching for news about Heath Bell did not get me anything worth posting. Nor did searching for Samuel Beckett works of theater before searching for news about Josh Beckett.

…and if you have your own baseball-related Great Moments in Google Ads, take a screen capture and feel free to send them along for a future post.

From Yahoo: “Sources Say Sunscreen Trick Is Pitchers’ Latest Method to Gain an Edge”

What, you ask, is this sunscreen trick? Before you read the article, see if you can pick the right answer from the choices below. (Or add your own invented explanations in the comments.)

A) Sunscreen, applied to the ball, gives the ball immunity against being hit too close to the sun, lowering the average height of fly balls, and making home runs far less likely.

B) Sunscreen, applied to the pitcher’s hand and the baseball, creates a translucency that makes it hard for batters to see where the ball is coming from, the seams, and the spin.

C) Sunscreen, applied to the pitcher’s face, makes him reflect the sun in such a way that batters are distracted and have trouble looking in his direction.

D) Sunscreen, applied to the pitcher’s arm, can be combined with powdered rosin to offer an improved grip on the ball and a superior finish to the pitch.

And, no, I’m not very good at Balderdash.

This is the analogies section of this week’s NotGraphs SAT. Please choose the correct response from the choices below.

1. 1 Hit : Bloody Nose :: O Hits : _______
(a) Bloody Sock
(b) Bloody Fingers
(c) Bloody Brothers
(d) Bloody Screwball

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Recall former major league catcher Charlie O’Brien, backstop for eleven Cy Young Award winners, personal catcher to Greg Maddux, inventor of hockey-style catcher’s mask.

And, in his retirement, deer odor salesperson.

That’s right, I have stumbled across Charlie O’Products, O’Brien’s unique (or maybe not!) line of sprays, creams, and beads that will make deer come closer to your guns so you can shoot them. Actual text on web site:

WARNING: Animals may be prone to attack you while using this product.

So, yeah, that seems like a great idea. But I guess if you’re wearing a hockey-style catcher’s mask while the deer mauls you, at least your face will be protected.

O’Brien is apparently also a member of the cast of Deer Thugs, a television program on the I REALLY NEED TO STOP WATCHING TV BECAUSE IT IS ROTTING MY BRAIN television network.

Deer hunters among you, feel free to explain in the comments why it makes good sense to rub yourself with perfume that makes deer think they should mate with you. I have all sorts of frustrations about living in New York City — construction noise, garbage, the high cost of living, subway cars that smell like urine — but at least I don’t have to worry that a deer is going to try and mate with me.