I think Luke Scott’s razor broke.

Please alert us to any future contenders for “Current Mistakes in Facial Hair.” Thank you.

Match the player to his AAA stat line.

(a) .408/.508/.592, with a 10:7 BB:K ratio.
(b) .393/.475/.714, with 13 extra-base hits, including 6 homers, in 84 at-bats.
(c) .302/.381/.523.

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This is a screen shot taken from my computer at 11:46 Eastern Time last night.

There is a game between the Padres and the Dodgers. It is the sixth inning. The pitchers are Clayton Kershaw and Jason Marquis. There is a no-hitter in progress.

The pitcher with the no-hitter is Jason Marquis.

My brain has just exploded.

Twitter is also very confused.

Anyone that thinks Marquis can complete a no hitter is a moron and likely voted Braun 2011 MVP. #Dodgers #Padres

— Jorden (@DodgersGuru) June 6, 2013

Jason Marquis is going to throw a no hitter tonight at age 74.

— Kevin. (@KFayPSU) June 6, 2013

Jason Marquis has a no-hitter going? #TwilightZone

— Matt Eurich (@MattEurich) June 6, 2013

If Jason Marquis throws a no-hitter, I will believe I can fly.

— AlwaysSunnyInDetroit (@Tim_Goergen) June 6, 2013

Who knew Jason Marquis is better then Clayton Kershaw. #DodgersSuck

— Nexus Dave (@NexusDailyPicks) June 6, 2013

Marquis confusing me <<

— IG: _yarsmas_(@phew_phewchu) June 6, 2013

Baseball: Anything Can Happen.

The Wall Street Journal has a fun piece about the disaster that is the New York Mets. Every AAA affiliate hates them, so they’re stuck with the worst, a Las Vegas team a million miles away from New York, with a lousy stadium, dry air, and no grounds crew.

“They’re undesirable,” said Dave Rosenfield, a longtime Norfolk (Va.) Tides executive. “Nobody wants them.”

The Las Vegas agreement ends after 2014. After moving from Norfolk to New Orleans to Buffalo and now to Las Vegas, there seems to be nowhere worse to go.

Which means the 2015 Mets AAA affiliate is likely going to end up somewhere even more inconvenient…

Like Kandahar. Or Mars. Or nowhere. Go Mets.

I approached the NotGraphantasy Draft much the way I approach all of my fantasy drafting. I tried to pick the smartest, grittiest team I could, filled with players I would want to hang out with, regardless of their statistics. Measured against that benchmark, I think I did pretty well, although I did make some picks I now regret, driven mostly by the need to fill the mustache, sex scandal, and obese catcher quotas.

ROUND 1: Joe McEwing, 2B

I picked Super Joe with my first selection because if I owned a baseball team, and I didn’t care whether or not we won any games, I would want him on the field. McEwing may have had a 71 OPS+ for his career, but my unscientific study has him leading the league in grit, hustle, and unbelievably positive press. Super Joe had an amazing 2001 season with the Mets, a .283/.342/.449 line that bought him five more seasons in uniform. He was Tony LaRussa’s favorite player. He could play seven positions capably. He’s in the Irish American Baseball Hall of Fame, whatever that is, and, from all of that crazy press he gets, even as a third-base coach, it seems like he must be a pretty awesome guy.

ROUND 2: David Wright, 3B

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Hopeless Joe is, of course, a longtime Royals fan. How could he not be? Recently, he answered a series of questions about the Royals from other fans who are so hopeless that they don’t even exist. Here is a transcript of that chat.

Q. So, George Brett. Will he save this team from oblivion?

A. Well, despite the wise words of John Wathan (“There’s no doubt in my mind he’ll have an impact“), I am, as usual, skeptical. The last time a new hitting coach really changed anything was back in Little League, when my first hitting coach–our star second baseman’s father, who was trying to make up for a lack of steady employment by spending thirty hours a week working on “Little League-related matters”–was caught under the bleachers with our left fielder’s mother, “examining the grass down there.” His replacement, an accountant far ahead of his time statistically, advised us all to steer clear of the ball and wait for a walk, because the ball is dangerous, and we might get hurt. Our already-pitiful record got even worse. And that’s why I don’t think George Brett has much of chance to turn things around. I do expect an increase, however, in the number of Royals players who crap in their pants, even excluding any age-related incontinence that might be plaguing elderly third base placeholder Miguel Tejada.

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A shame the a’s and giants have to play these games at the coliseum while ATandT sits empty. #shame

— Jon Heyman (@JonHeymanCBS) May 29, 2013

Sean Doolittle, Jarrod Parker, Josh Reddick, and Brett Anderson tweeted responses that indicated they weren’t thrilled with Heyman’s comment. Meanwhile, here at NotGraphs, we’ve gained access to Jon Heyman’s Unpublished Draft Tweetbank (TM) to find some other #shame tweets he ultimately decided not to post:

In a sport that clings to its traditions — from managers wearing uniforms to the playing of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the seventh-inning stretch — one time-honored feature at the ballpark has taken an absurd turn, at least for the game’s purists: the ceremonial first pitch. For decades, the honor was extended only a few times a season to a rarefied group that included presidents, mayors and military veterans. These days, it is regarded as a marketing opportunity, a sweetener in sponsorship deals between baseball teams and groups that want a piece of the spotlight. The rite, now carried out nightly, is handed to actors and reality television stars, sponsors’ representatives and contest winners, and people dressed as animals as well as actual animals.
— The New York Times, 5/29/13

Throwing out the ceremonial first pitch tonight are twelve special guests, and one fan who won a lottery drawing conducted by our friends at Bank of America. The first honoree is from TV’s World’s Deadliest Animals on the National Geographic Channel. Please, if you are seated in the first six rows, be prepared to run from the wild tiger currently entering the stadium, getting ready to throw the ball to the catcher your home team has deemed most expendable.

Our second honoree is from our friends at Merck Pharmaceuticals, our sponsor for tonight’s Mood Elevator Giveaway, where the first 15,000 fans received a pill to help them forget about the 65% likelihood we would lose tonight’s game, just like we’ve lost 65% of the ones that preceded it. Of course, we still have 4,000 pills left over, since we can’t seem to fill even a quarter of our seats over here. So please put your hands together for Merck’s Director of Experimental Drug Development.

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Last week’s Ask NotGraphs post brought 7 new questions. Thanks, readers. I will start with the strangest.

Hi Jerm

鬼佬

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NEW YORK — Ike Davis, who recently claimed he “can’t do any worse,” did worse last night, as he went 0-6 with 9 strikeouts and 21 strikeout-assists, where he ran up to the plate and literally grabbed the bat from his teammates’ hands. Said Lucas Duda, “that was not cool, Ike.” Said Ruben Tejada, “whatever, I was going to get myself out anyway.” Davis also made 19 errors in the game, including twice getting confused about how many outs there were, and walking off the field while the ball was still in play.

In the bottom of the 4th inning, Davis walked over to second base and broke Daniel Murphy’s arm, further hampering the team’s attempt to win the game. In the top of the 8th, Davis spit on three umpires, but, unfortunately for the team, was not ejected from the game. In fact, the umpires ruled that he should be forced to play, as that would be worse punishment for the Mets. Before the game, Davis quietly informed Dillon Gee, the night’s starting pitcher, that his entire family had been killed in a bear attack. This distracted Gee and led to him giving up 16 runs in just a third of an inning. Actually, it was 6 runs, but Davis reprogrammed the scoreboard to give the Mets’ opponents a 10-run head start.

After the Mets’ loss, Davis inadvertently added a powdered laxative to the food in the post-game spread, which will hamper the team’s attempt to stem the losing streak tomorrow. He also switched the lineup card with a joke version that places 4 members of the starting rotation in the infield, and invited a twelve-year-old fan to play catcher. Davis was found clumsily corking David Wright’s bat and tainting Matt Harvey’s urine for Harvey’s routine drug test. He also pretended to be Sandy Alderson and traded Zach Wheeler for a bucket of Dippin’ Dots, which he neglected to place in the freezer.

So when Ike Davis says he can’t do any worse…