Yasiel Puig: Defecting from the United States back to Cuba, where at least he might make an All-Star Team.
Shin-Soo Choo: Fulfilling his South Korean military service.
Jacoby Ellsbury: Getting injured.
Josh Donaldson: Trying to poison Jim Leyland by figuring out a way to get him addicted to little white sticks filled with dangerous substances that will kill him.
2014. Yasiel Puig (LAD) hits a home run off Taijuan Walker (SEA) in the 9th inning to win it for the National League.
2015. Mike Zunino (SEA) smacks a ground-rule double in the 7th inning off Zach Wheeler (NYM), driving in Eric Hosmer (NYY) with the game-winning RBI for the American League.
2016. Red Sox player-manager David Ortiz (BOS) hits an 11th inning grand slam, driving in Manny Ramirez (TEX), Alex Rodriguez (CHW), and Jose Reyes (MEX) and giving the American League its 2nd consecutive victory.
2017. Jeff Francoeur (SF) walks with the bases loaded to force in the winning run off Aaron Sanchez (TOR) and lead the National League to victory.
2018. Byron Buxton (MIN) hits two home runs– the first off Gio Gonzalez (WAS) and the second off Rick Ankiel (STL)– and wins the game’s MVP award.
2019. Michael Ynoa (OAK) strikes out nineteen batters over three innings, but David Wright (JUP) hits a 6-run homer to win it for Jupiter and the newly-formed Galaxy League.
2020. Unfrozen Ted Williams (BOS) triumphs over Glork (SAT) and the rest of the Galaxy League pitching staff to win the game by a score of %#$ to &^&.
A meaningless competition to precede a meaningless competition. Oh boy, July doesn’t only mean that everything on TV is a rerun, but it also means that for three days, the only baseball we get to watch is even more meaningless than usual.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Pedro Alvarez, especially since last year’s revelations of widespread abuse at his high school, Horace Mann.
Sorry about bringing that up. Way to be a bummer, Hopeless Joe. Let me try that again.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Prince Fielder, given the well-publicized difficulties Fielder has had with his father, with Prince quoted as saying, “my father is dead to me.”
Oops. Got downbeat again. My apologies. Let me try once more.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Yoenis Cespedes, given the struggles he went through last year when his family was arrested as illegal immigrants in the Turks and Caicos Islands while they were trying to join him in the U.S. They were finally released from a detention center this spring.
Wow, it’s hard to keep these things positive. Okay, putting a smile on my face. I’ll make this work.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Robinson Cano, forced to deal with his name appearing on the initial Biogenesis documents, even though no evidence has emerged to link him with the clinic.
Shoot. Starting this over again.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Chris Davis, demoted to minor leagues as recently as 2011, and for years failing to live up to his potential.
Okay, I can do this post happy. I can do it.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but David Wright, who for hours in 2007 feared that his brother was killed in the Virginia Tech shootings.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Bryce Harper, who used to have poor vision until he got contact lenses.
In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Michael Cuddyer, who likes to do charity work.
PREDICTION: Cuddyer and Davis are the final two, and Cuddyer pulls out a victory, donating his winnings to the Pedro Alvarez Prince Fielder Yoenis Cespedes Robinson Cano David Wright Bryce Harper Fund to prevent teachers from abusing students in the Turks and Caicos Islands, stealing their signing bonuses, canceling their eye exams, and making handwritten lists labeled “Steroid Users” with their names on them. Congratulations, Michael Cuddyer.
I don’t understand why this is getting so much news coverage.
1. “Sam” as in Jeff’s brother’s first name. “Ard” as in the last three letters of “yard,” since he set an all-time record for reception yards playing football at Notre Dame. “Zija” as in the name of some weird “miracle tea” that the Internet says is a marketing scam and that one Amazon reviewer says gave her diarrhea.
2. “Samar” as in a province in the Philippines whose capital is Catbalogan City. “DZI” as in the three-letter code for Codazzi Airport in Colombia, so small there does not even appear to be a Cinnabon. “Ja” as in the unit of measurement of length in Korea equal to approximately 30.3 cm.
3. “SA” as in Sexaholics Anonymous. “Mardz” as in a woman in Macedonia renting out her apartment on Airbnb. (Just $46/night!) “IJA” as in the International Jugglers Association.
4. “Sama” as in the Society of American Mosaic Artists. “RD” as in Rainbow Dash, a character in the TV Show “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” “Zij” as in the Islamic astronomical books. “A” as in America, where Samardzija was born.
5. “S” as in “starting pitcher.” “Amardzija” as in the last 9 letters of Jeff Samardzija’s name.
Now you will never forget how to spell Samardzija. Or maybe you will. Sorry.
I’m late with this news, but (hat tip: Sportsgrid.com and Baseball Think Factory) last Wednesday, the Huntsville Stars hosted 2nd Amendment Night, with free admission for NRA cardholders and a raffle to win a gun. There are lots of posts someone could write in response to this, but I’m going to write this one.
UPCOMING AMENDMENT NIGHTS AT THE BALLPARK.
1st Amendment Night. Featuring a mid-game rally for better players, and a prize given to the fan who yells the most obscene insult at an opposing player.
3rd Amendment Night. Where the Color Guard will not be allowed to leave.
4th Amendment Night. Hope you didn’t bring any drugs into the stadium, because we’re going to find them.
5th Amendment Night. One team is going to lose the same game twice!
6th Amendment Night. [Rescheduled for next season.]
7th Amendment Night. No umpires.
8th Amendment Night. Ticket prices are doubled, and– guess what– we’re going to force you to watch the Astros!
13th Amendment Night. One fan will win a chance to clean the entire stadium, with no compensation.
18th Amendment Night. Enjoy your free Chocolate Milk.
19th Amendment Night. I think I already wrote about this one.
21st Amendment Night. The beer is back.
This concludes the only NotGraphs post that requires a working knowledge of the Constitution (or this link to Wikipedia) to even have a chance to make sense.
Women’s suffrage with regard to the All-Star Game was achieved gradually, team by team, during the late 20th and early 21st century, culminating in 2004 with the passage of the Susan B. “Eric” Anthony Amendment to the Major League Baseball Bylaws, which provided: “The right of live game attendees and Internet users to stuff ballot boxes with their biased selections for the All-Star Game shall not be denied or abridged on account of sex, even if the woman is just voting for the players with the nicest smiles and has no idea what the infield fly rule is.”
The fight began in 1987, when Marge Schott, president and CEO of the Cincinnati Reds, agreed to allow women (and dogs) the right to vote in exchange for the elimination of voting rights for African-Americans, Jews, gay people, anyone with facial hair, and unmarried couples living in sin. After Barry Larkin and Eric Davis were elected to the 1989 All-Star Team, Schott immediately abandoned the women-can-vote experiment and decided to build a time machine and move to 1930s Germany, where she died.
In 1989, there were rumblings in San Diego regarding the lifting of restrictions on women voting, but the fall of Communism in that city and a number of others moved women’s All-Star suffrage to a less prominent place on the international agenda, and little progress was made.
The Bosnian Civil War (1992-95) was fought largely over this issue, and as the battlefields cleared, the world was left with two rival organizations, both seeking female voting rights and larger selections of craft beer at concession stands. The two organizations were the National (League) Woman Shortstop Association (NWSA), founded by Elizabeth Cady “Mike” “Giancarlo” Stanton, and the American (League) Woman Shortstop Association (AWSA), founded by Lucy “Steve” Stone and Julia “Turner” Ward “Art” Howe. Both organizations tried to turn the tide, team by team.
The election of Hillary Clinton to the American League All-Star Team in 1998 was seen as a true turning point, as she played nine error-free innings at second base, hit three home runs, and won the game’s MVP (Most Valuable Princess) award. Following the game, the Yankees, Orioles, Blue Jays, Red Sox, and Mariners all announced that women would be permitted to vote for All-Stars in their home stadiums beginning in 1999.
Over the next three years, more teams decided to lift the ban on women, including the famed Tulsa Menstruators, a team that has since been contracted and removed from the history books. By 2004, commissioner of baseball George W. “Homer” Bush insisted on bringing a bill to the floor of the Winter Meetings, in the hope of creating one uniform policy for all of baseball (not to be confused with the many policies about baseball uniforms).
The bill passed, 2-1, with Commissioner Bush casting the deciding vote, and Supreme Court Justice Clarence “Frank” Thomas as the lone dissenter, citing past troubles with women like Anita “Aaron” Hill as his reason for preferring women not select the game’s starting lineup.
With the measure having passed, the remaining teams installed All-Star ballot dispensers in the women’s bathrooms, next to the free diaphragms, and all was once again right in the world. We now await the introduction of legislation that will finally allow men to vote for the game’s starters as well.
Initial intent of this post: a parody list of ridiculously fake NotGraphs post titles.
Actual result of writing this post: ten legitimate ideas for future NotGraphs posts, most of which I kind of want to write.
Conclusion: there is no such thing as a fake NotGraphs post title, because all NotGraphs post titles are fake NotGraphs post titles.
Well, he came up and hit .432
For a month his talent looked so true
And there’s always hope when you’re brand new
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
And he did not walk but he tried real hard
And as long as hits escaped the yard
He still deserved a baseball card
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
When you still don’t walk and your average falls
And you swing at all of the pitcher’s balls
It shouldn’t be a shock when your progress stalls
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
So the Braves said bye and he joined the Mets
And for quite a while there were no regrets
But soon enough, doubters won their bets
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
It was no shock when the Royals called
And into the lineup he was installed
Another good start, the GM was enthralled
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
The press he gets is second-to-none
If smiles counted, he’d be number one
But if you look at the stats, he seems kinda done
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
Oh, lefties he hits and balls he can throw
And maybe just maybe his patience will grow
He’ll suck someone in and he’ll put on a show
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
Then fifty games later, the luster will fade
He’ll go 0-for-40, they’ll look for a trade
Another team desperate, and they will be swayed
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
Repeat it again, he’s still young, there’s still hope
Will he turn it around? Smart money says nope
Declining skills are a slippery slope
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur
