If you don’t read Rany on the Royals, Rany Jazayerli’s intelligent, passionate blog about the Royals — whether or not you care a whit about the Royals — I don’t know why you bother having an Internet connection, because new entries over there are one of the Internet-reading-things I most look forward to.

One of the commenters on a recent post (scroll down to Kenneth) criticized Rany for being too negative. He’s absolutely negative a lot of the time, but these are the Royals, so how positive can you be? He’s negative when they deserve it, and they seem to pretty much always deserve it. That said, I thought it might be fun to imagine Rany… on My Breakfast. This is meant to honor, not to criticize. I love love love his blog, and I don’t care at all about the Royals.

I’ve argued for a while that I would accept eating cereal without milk, but it has to be a good cereal. One that makes up for the lack of milk with enough positive qualities — crunch, flavor, nutritional profile — that we could overlook the one big negative. I know that every breakfast has its plusses and minuses. Rationally, I know that. And I know that even the limited number of perfect breakfasts — challah french toast, smoked salmon on a bagel, Davey Johnson Flakes — aren’t always available when you need them, and may not always be the right fit for any given individual — but this morning, when Jeremy ate Trader Joe’s Bran Flakes, plain, in a bowl, with his FINGERS, I realized I can no longer stand by and support the lack of milk. There has to be milk. Next time he goes to the supermarket — or, really, anywhere that sells food — he has to buy milk, and he has to buy it for the express purpose of using it on his cereal. It’s been too long. It’s as simple as that.

Of course, I say that, and then I have to qualify it. It’s not as simple as that. Trader Joe’s Bran Flakes have been on the market for years and they’re just as dry as they’ve always been. I accept that not every cereal starts out perfect, but you have to see progress. And even if Trader Joe’s is insisting there’s an eight-year plan (which, of course, used to be a five-year plan, until it was a six-year plan, and soon enough it’s going to be a twelve-year plan), at some point you have to stop planning and see results.

Bran Flakes are EXACTLY THE AGE that they should be improving.

MILK IS AVAILABLE — and without giving up any prospects, of course.

You put it all together and you have to understand — nothing about this breakfast is acceptable. NOTHING. And I fear this won’t be the end of it. FEAR. END. NOTHING. BRAN. ROYALS. TERRIBLE. EXPLODE.

While clicking around Twitter looking for inspiration for today’s post, I came across A’s first baseman Nate Freiman’s Twitter page, where he calls himself a “baseball player and caddie.” Freiman’s wife is Amanda Blumenherst, an LPGA golfer who, according to Wikipedia, has earned more than half a million dollars since turning pro in 2009. Freiman has caddied for her seven times.

Including at the CME Group Titleholders 2012, photo leading off an article from Golfweek about Blumenherst deciding to give up the rigors of the tour in order to spend more time with Nate.

Writes Golfweek, “There isn’t a prettier set of teeth on tour.”

Wait… WHAT?

And people think NotGraphs is fluff? (Maybe.) Golfweek is, as far as I can tell, an actual printed publication.

Coming up next week on TeeGraphs, LPGA TEETHWATCH.

Happy New Year to Craig Breslow, Ike Davis, Scott Feldman, Nate Freiman, Sam Fuld, Ryan Kalish, Ian Kinsler, Ryan Lavarnway, Jason Marquis, Kevin Pillar, Josh Satin, Danny Valencia, Kevin Youkilis, Josh Zeid, and, of course, that shining example to all young Jews, Ryan Braun. Apologies to anyone the Internet isn’t telling me is Jewish.

Throwing all of those players into a custom team here at FanGraphs, I can calculate that the Jews have earned a total of 6.4 WAR this season, only 1.0 from pitching (due largely to Jason Marquis…). Scott Feldman, with 2.1 pitching WAR and 0.1 batting WAR, is the Jewish MVP thus far this season, with Ian Kinsler (1.9 WAR) a reasonably close second.

May the fantasy teams of all Jews reading this score 5,774 points tonight, and may at least one major league team serve brisket in their post-game spread.

Screenshot taken from Mets.com yesterday evening at 6:40 PM, with a white box covering some information.

Can you guess what is happening in 25 days?

(a) The Mets’ “Murder Mike Piazza” contest will be over, and Piazza will be dead.

(b) Piazza is scheduled to give a press conference admitting to somewhere between one and three of the following things: (i) he used steroids; (ii) he is gay; (iii) he used gay steroids; (iv) he and Murray Chass are the same person; (v) he has evidence that Murray Chass uses steroids; (vi) he is a zombie.

(c) Piazza is returning to the Mets as their starting catcher.

(d) Piazza is returning to the Mets as a starting pitcher.

(e) Piazza will be taking over the Mets’ official Twitter feed for an hour.

(f) It’s Mike Piazza Gets Shot From a Cannon Day!

(g) Piazza will be opening up a “Piazza’s Pizza” concession stand at CitiField.

(h) Piazza will be inducted into the Mets’ Hall of Fame, as only the sixteenth catcher, after Choo Choo Coleman, Chris Cannizzaro, Yogi Berra, Jerry Grote, Duffy Dyer, Ron Hodges, John Stearns, Gary Carter, Barry Lyons, Mackey Sasser, Todd Hundley, Charlie O’Brien, Vance Wilson, Todd Pratt, and Omir Santos.

(i) Choice (h) except he’ll be the third catcher, not the sixteenth. Oops.

Courtesy of Baseball Think Factory, an interesting article about catcher masks in the St. Paul Pioneer Press:

In addition to the titanium mask, which Nike debuted in 2007 after consulting with former New York Yankees all-star catcher Jorge Posada, [Joe] Mauer switched his catcher’s helmet in recent years to a ventilated Rawlings prototype…. [Twins] Triple-A Rochester catcher Eric Fryer wears a hockey goalie-style mask, while Red Wings teammate Josmil Pinto wears a traditional steel mask.

When I own a major league team, my catcher will wear a Zombie mask. Maybe it won’t protect him against concussions, but I think it’ll strike fear in opposing hitters to come up to the plate and see a zombie waiting there for them. Plus, what home plate umpire wants to anger a zombie? And, yeah, it might distract some of the pitchers, but I can get around that problem if I only sign zombie pitchers. In fact, maybe the catcher should be a zombie too, and the mask is just to add an extra level of fear. Like, “aren’t you scared of my zombie mask?” he asks the hitter, and then he tears off the mask to reveal… that he’s actually a zombie. No one will be staying in the batter’s box for too long after that.

And this is one reason why I will never own a major league team.

The New York Times has an article this week, titled, “Boo Rodriguez or Cheer Him? It’s Oh So Complicated.” The article is a fine read, but what I found surprisingly compelling were the comments at the bottom. Here are my favorite five, ranked. (I’m editing the comments for length.)

5. “I wonder why we go after PED users only, when there is a whole class of baseball cheaters who go unpunished, namely, pitchers who have bionic arms. A high percentage of pitchers make no attempt to hide that they have elective surgery to strengthen their pitching arms…. It’s called Tommy John surgery.”

4. “hey rod. if you are reading these comments, i really need a million dollars. or 1/2 or a 1/4 million. please get in touch. in exchange, i promise not to boo. ever. seriously.”

3. “A-Fraud shouldn’t be playing professional Baseball…. That said, Bankees fans only care about winning. Look at the rise and fall and rise of Jason Giambi. For that matter, look who’s pitching for them every fifth day, another self-admitted drug-cheat, Andy PEDitte.”

2. “A-Rod has no class. He is not the first cheater in baseball and won’t be the last. Probably not the worst either.
He is not the devil incarnate…. I’m sick of hearing about him. And also about Weiner the Wiener Waver.”

1. “And what about MLB’s major sponsor: Gatorade? They claim that just drinking their sugar-water enhances performance, and they use droves of pro-sports role models to peddle their crap in flashy advertisements.”

[scrippet]
ABBOTT
Who’d the Pirates just get?

COSTELLO
Byrd.

ABBOTT
Oh, stop being a wise guy. I know pirates have birds. Parrots, in fact. Pirates have parrots.

COSTELLO
No, Pirates have Byrd.

ABBOTT
A parrot’s a bird. That’s what I said.

COSTELLO
No, I mean Byrd. Marlon Byrd.

ABBOTT
A marlin’s a fish, not a bird.

COSTELLO
I know.

ABBOTT
Then why’d you say a marlin’s a bird?

COSTELLO
I didn’t. I said the Pirates got Byrd.

ABBOTT
Yes, a parrot. A parrot bird. I wasn’t asking about the Marlins.

COSTELLO
Exactly. I’m telling you about the Pirates. They got Byrd.

ABBOTT
A parrot.

COSTELLO
No! A Byrd!

ABBOTT
What kind of a bird?

COSTELLO
Marlon.

ABBOTT
He’s not a bird, he’s a fish!

COSTELLO
Forget it. They also got Buck.

ABBOTT
A new Buc, of course. Who?

COSTELLO
Buck.

ABBOTT
That’s just short for Pirate. Who’d they get?

COSTELLO
Buck.

ABBOTT
They’re all Bucs! Why won’t you tell me?

COSTELLO
Buck.

ABBOTT
Buc, buc, buc. You sound like a chicken.

COSTELLO
A chicken’s a bird. The Pirates got Byrd.

ABBOTT
What kind of bird? A marlin. A marlin’s a fish.

COSTELLO
We’re not talking about the Marlins!

ABBOTT
So who’d the Pirates give up?

COSTELLO
Dilson Herrera.

ABBOTT
Dilson Herrera? That’s a funny name! He’s a second baseman?

COSTELLO
What?

ABBOTT
No, I think he retired.
[/scrippet]

Last week, CBS reported that tensions in the Angels’ clubhouse last season grew so high that Torii Hunter and Albert Pujols nearly ended up in a fight. Leading to this informative news illustration.

“Hunter Fights Pujols”

Readers are invited to improve on this.

ST. PETERSBURG — Matt Moore felt fine Sunday, a day after the 24-year-old left-hander threw a simulated game. “I feel good, just normal soreness,” Moore said. “You know, okay. Adequate. Better than bad. Not quite great.” “So you’d say you’re feeling acceptable?” asked this reporter. “Yeah, satisfactory. Decent. Tolerable. Bearable.” “And how have you been spending your time on the disabled list?” “Studying for the SAT.”

This is the newsiest news since one fan “attended” a recent “game.” Why did the quotation marks around “good” bother me enough to write a post about them? I don’t know! But they did!

Oh, Brian Cashman. It is a shame that your ex-mistress’s lawyer is partners with Alex Rodriguez’s lawyer, and that there’s now a conflict of interest requiring him to reveal that you told your mistress that you knew of steroid use on the Yankees and didn’t care. And about how you misled federal investigators during the Roger Clemens investigation.

It’s just like the time that I, Hopeless Joe, found out that my mistress’s lawyer was sleeping with my mistress, but really she wasn’t my mistress, just a woman I liked but who would never have noticed me, and her lawyer was indeed a lawyer but not really her lawyer, but rather her boyfriend. Because of course she had a boyfriend. And that’s just another reason she would never have noticed me. And then she was single, and still she didn’t notice me. And I passed her ex-boyfriend on the street once and he accidentally spilled coffee on my pants but I was too timid to say anything, and also he looked like he probably took steroids, but really I’m sure he just went to the gym a lot, and everyone looks like they take steroids compared to me, and also I’ve heard of Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens and that’s why my situation is very similar.

Or maybe it’s not.