William Howard Taft, the first U.S. President to throw out a ceremonial first pitch, is back in the news this week.

William Howard Taft, the only massively obese man ever to be president of the United States, struggled mightily to control his weight a century ago… Taft was to eat a small portion of lean meat or fish at every meal, cooked vegetables at lunch and dinner (no butter), a plain salad, and stewed or baked fruit (unsweetened). He got a single glass of “unsweetened” wine at lunch. The doctor also allowed his own diet product, gluten biscuits, that were produced to his specifications in London. Taft bought them and had them shipped to the United States.
— The New York Times

So, given those restrictions, what might he have eaten at the ballpark?

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Perhaps a build-your-own salad at Coors Field.

Wild pacific salmon at PNC.

Or a delicious batting glove.

Poor President Taft.

My best buy low candidate for 2014 is Ted Williams. He is likely to come very cheap in drafts, but as cryogenic technology continues to mature, each year Williams has a growing chance of returning to life, returning to the majors, and returning to the top of the leaderboards. Especially the OBP leaderboard (Overall Brain Percentage), because I think it’s only his head that was frozen, right?

If you want to take a chance on a player who might truly be a difference-maker, I think you have no choice but to draft Williams. His revival will not only make a difference to your fantasy team’s statistics, but also to the entirety of mankind. And only a small number of fantasy teams can ever aspire to make a lasting difference to the world. So why not dream?

It is of course sensible to be a little skeptical that Williams could ever emerge from cryogenic preservation to again become the hitter that he once was — after all, he was 83 years old when he died, and hadn’t played a major league game in over 40 years. To that I say that sometimes the psychological element of baseball is often ignored by the stats. Think about how scared a pitcher would be to throw the ball to an unfrozen Ted Williams. I think this anxiety, confusion, and puzzlement might overwhelm any small age-related decline that Williams might have experienced. I think pitchers would have significantly decreased control, and if Williams can walk, he will end up walking a lot. Contributing, of course, to his league-leading OBP (the regular kind).

I understand why people would want to be frozen, if money is no object and you would otherwise just toss $200K plus a monthly maintenance fee into the trash. Why not? What’s the worst that can happen, aside from your soul being in a permanent state of limbo and not being allowed to enter the afterlife?

So after striking out with my buy low candidates from 2011 (Cal Ripken, Jr.), 2012 (Cal Ripken, Sr.), and 2013 (Derek Jeter), I am confident that Ted Williams will make your 2014 teams much more… something.

So, CBS Sports reports that the Tigers may be shopping Max Scherzer this winter, apparently confused about the goal of baseball being to win games. But why stop there? Yes, Scherzer’s going to get expensive. But so are Rick Porcello, Austin Jackson, Nick Castellanos, Drew Smyly, and, uh, anyone else who is at one point young and then gets good. Yep, it’s those young, good, about-to-get-expensive players that are every team’s problem. Not the old guys you spent a lot of money on. Nope, those guys are great, up until they turn 60 or so, and their contracts end. You need more of them, and fewer guys like Scherzer, entering their prime and actually having the potential to earn back the money you need to pay to keep them.

IMAGE: Scherzer, in the uniform of his new team, the Accurate Accountants (that’s the “A”), who understand when you sign players to contracts and when you don’t.*

*I actually don’t mean to yell too loudly at the Tigers, because recent past decisions have not been particularly grotesque.

In a new strategy, indicating a move away from spending money on players and toward spending on priceless artifacts from around the world, the Yankees are expected to bid big on a Japanese pitcher this offseason.

This particular pitcher is from the Kamakura period (1185-1333) and was used in traditional Buddhist rituals. Made of bronze, and 7 cm tall, it is compact, functional, and elegant.

The pitcher is expected to be their second-most-expensive offseason purchase, after a hand-carved vintage canoe, still functioning quite well but likely to become a bit of an albatross sometime short of, say, a decade or so from now.

Did I say canoe? Wait….

I can relate to pirates, I too am after the booty.

— Trigger Jones (@TPA_TRIGGER) October 10, 2013

Wait a minute. Sea-loving traders… with suspiciously acquired merchandise? And pet reptile birds?… You guys are pirates! #Sokkawesome

— Sokka (@SoopaSokka) October 10, 2013

ATTACK THE PIRATES

— STEAM CAPTAIN (@Steam_Capt) October 10, 2013

I’ve set myself to become the King of the Pirates…and if I die trying…then at least I tried! – Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece) #Bot

— Ren [レン] (@Zombiefieing) October 10, 2013

The Cruz-Boehner-Koch shutdown. Pirates.

— Feckless Flea (@FecklessFlea) October 10, 2013

got the pink panties on this morning. go pirates.

— Eileen from Blawnox (@EileenBlawnox) October 10, 2013

MLB.com uncovers the close friendship between Hyun-Jin Ryu and Juan Uribe.

Dodgers catcher A.J. Ellis doesn’t understand it.

Manager Don Mattingly is puzzled, too.

Members of Korean media who have followed pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu since he was a teenager are tickled, but they are not completely surprised the rookie’s best friend on the team is Juan Uribe, a player many think he wouldn’t have much in common with.

“It’s like the Odd Couple, him and Uribe get along so well,” Mattingly said. “It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

Like here, where Ryu slaps Uribe.

Or here, where they smack each other.

Or here, where they dance.

Isn’t it crazy that people of two different ethnicities can be friends?! It’s almost like we live in a multicultural world! Next thing you know, men and women will be allowed to shake each other’s hands.

Another year, another crop of new releases to fill the long winter, until Spring Training starts up again. These are not those books.

Mariano Rivera: Bowel Movements of the Final Season — a day-by-day diary of Rivera’s gastrointestinal system, offering insights to young pitchers who want to know how often they should defecate if they want to throw a killer cutter. Does looser stool mean more velocity? How many sheets of toilet paper were used per save? No detail is too small to celebrate as Rivera took his final lap around the restroom and flushed his career down the Monument Park toilet.

Fifty Shades of Sonny Gray — the story of one playoff game, and a pitcher who is beautiful, brilliant, intimidating, and enjoys free ice cream samples.

Just went to Cold Stone sampled every flavor of ice cream and walked out. #apennysavedisapennyearned

— Sonny Gray (@SonnyGray2) October 3, 2013

Dusty’s Small Book of Statistics — volume one in a one-volume set, with almost three pages of Dusty Baker’s favorite numbers and sabermetric analysis from his two decades of managing. Re-live Dusty’s parade of leadoff hitters, including Darren Lewis (OBP .299, .345, .299), Willy Taveras (.273), and Zack Cozart (.261). With fewer total words than Mark Prior’s average pitch count, this book is sure to become a classic, perfect for reading in one elevator ride. (WARNING: book will clog bases if flushed.)

Becoming Mr. March, by Jackie Bradley (with Dan Shaughnessy?) — a look back at Jackie Bradley’s historic 2013 spring training season, as he helped lead the Red Sox to a 17-17 record this past spring. Featuring 32 pages of color photos, and, with no negativity intended toward whatever might become of Bradley’s career in the future, a sober reminder that spring training statistics should only excite us long enough to mess up our fantasy baseball drafts, and not beyond.

Bud Forever: Celebrating Bud Selig’s 185 Years As Baseball Commissioner — read Bud’s first-person account of what it was like to stand by Alexander Cartwright’s side as he invented the game of baseball, and then lead the sport through the Dead Ball era, the Live Ball era, the Greenies era, the Divisional Play era, the Steroids era, and the End of Bud Selig era. The book is available at most retailers, except any retailers within 100 miles of a baseball stadium, because of blackout restrictions.

The Catcher in the Ryu — a coming-of-age story about a South Korean ballplayer who moves to the United States, becomes best friends with a suddenly-weirdly-productive shortstop*, and has a mental breakdown. (*see tomorrow’s post for more on this– same time, same place.)

Matt Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man — offering surprising insights into how members of either gender decide whether or not to undergo Tommy John surgery on their elbows. The book comes with a pair of 20-sided dice to be used for your most vexing decisions. Also being developed into a movie, starring Matt Harvey as himself and Robin Williams as the injured elbow.

This article about how no one’s been watching the Yankees this season offers this fun factoid:

On Sept. 22, a Sunday afternoon Astros-Indians game on Comcast SportsNet Houston attracted no viewers, at least according to the way Nielsen measures such things.

Of course, this just means that of the 581 Nielsen families that were surveyed, none were tuning into the Astros. What else were they watching during the game? The crack NotGraphs research squad has been unable to find complete Nielsen listings for the Houston area, but I’ve conjured up my own list:

560 families: The Houston Texans football game
10 families: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
2 families: The episode of The Golden Girls where the ladies buy tickets to an Astros game but ultimately decide not to go because the Astros are so terrible
2 families: The Real Housewives of Dallas
2 families: The Real Housewives of Austin
1 family: The Real Housewives of Corpus Christi
1 family: Sesame Street, with Chris Carter counting strikeouts for an hour, and still not counting all of them.
1 family: Lucas Harrell and Kate Hudson, starring in “How To Lose A Game in 10 Minutes.”
1 family: The Static Channel
1 family: Would have been credited with watching the Astros game, because it was on their TV, but it turned out they were all dead.

St. Louis Cardinals fans should be wary of postseason ticket scammers, the St. Louis office of the Better Business Bureau says…. The Internet has become the arena of choice for sports fans looking to buy or sell tickets…. Be careful buying tickets from someone on the street…. Don’t buy from sellers who try to lure buyers from a legitimate site to another site for a “private” transaction…. If you are buying tickets through an online classified ad site, don’t pay by wire transfer.
–“Be wary of bogus Cardinal playoff tickets, Better Business Bureau warns,” BND.com

Hey, you, with the wallet in your pocket. Are you looking for playoff tickets? I’ve got all of the playoff teams right here. The ones with the Red hats, ones with the Blue hats, even ones with the Green hats. The guys who are probably going to win the thing, and the guys who are probably going to lose the thing. Good places to watch the competition, too. Right near everything. And also near the important thing. Also on the other side of the place they play. And some seats higher in the air, in that other part of the place where things are happening. Are you rooting for the victory of one of the teams that are playing in the thing? Oh, good. You should get my special tickets for the people rooting for the team in the thing.

I have lots of tickets, all of them real and certified by the people who certify tickets. I have tickets for the time of the activity when the winning might happen. Also tickets for the other times and parts of the whole thing, whenever they are. Are you looking for the daytime tickets? I have the daytime tickets and the nighttime tickets. Also the most important tickets, but they are for costing more money.

The playoffs is for the baseball, yes? With the bats and the balls? The base balls? Yes, it is a wonderful sport event with very fun playoffs. And very hard to find tickets that you can find here, from me. I root, root, root for the hone team. Do you? With these tickets you can buy the peanuts and also to cracker the jacks. Do you need phone charger to cracker the jacks? I sell that item too, with real Apple logo glue on with real El-Mar Glue. If your phone is crackered with my phone cracker tool kit you can use any provider around the world for your phone service needs. How will you feel at the playoff competition with a phone that can use any provider for your needs? Good, right? Very good. So you should buy the tickets and also the cracker.

I actually am running out of the tickets, so you need to buy fast. It is one, two, three, four strikes and you are out of tickets to the balls game. I will even throw in a head bobble doll of the Joshua Hambilton. There was an overproduction of the doll so I have access to many of these. I will give you sixteen dolls if you buy one tickets to the playoff match. More if you buy more.

No tax if you pay cash. Also, I only accept cash. Also, I don’t know what tax is. Also, the tickets are invisible. Also, you should give me your phone so I can do magic to it. Also, I am going to make your phone disappear.

Goodbye. Enjoy the balls game.

“Oh, man, I’m so sorry — I just saw something on the news about baseball, and the season, and it being over — and I realized — I totally missed our draft. My bad, completely. I see now that you left me 9, 10, 12, 50 voice mails about it back in March, and there have been some e-mails since then. I’ve been completely behind on e-mail though — swamped at work — so I’m just getting around to it. You said I could pick my team from the folks still on the free agent list, right? Again, I’m really sorry about it. I guess I’ll take Josh Donaldson if he’s still available. Matt Carpenter. Hisashi Iwakuma. Oh, they’re taken? How about Jose Fernandez? Michael Brantley and Henderson Alvarez just for September? No? All gone? Yasiel Puig — I’ve never even heard of him, but his stats look okay. No? He’s not available either? Who’s out there? Anyone I can grab just for the post-stretch run? B.J. Upton? Oh, he’s still available? Great. Thanks. I guess I’ll take him and, uh, Dan Uggla? Oh, Jeremy Hellickson is available? Cool. Cool. That’s a good core. I promise I’ll do my best to remember next year. I’ll even set an alarm. Oh, I’m not invited back in the league? Someone took my place when I didn’t respond to any e-mails or pick up any players or make any transactions? That’s not cool, man. You can’t just kick me out without a vote. Oh, there was a vote? Come on, you can’t just schedule a draft and not remind people and expect someone to remember it. How the heck am I supposed to remember which month the season starts? It changes all the time. Like Hanukkah. Okay, whatever, I guess we’re just not friends anymore. I have to go anyway, I’m in this Emmy Awards pool and I need to make my picks.”