Get to know new Tampa Bay Ray Brad Boxberger.

He likes running water.

No running water in hotel… Great job @HolidayInn

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) August 6, 2013

He hates slavery.

Congrats to @Brad_Boxberger on his 1st game with 4 strikeouts in 2 innings! On Team @NFS, he's pledged to #endslavery with every SO in 2013.

— Ethan Batstone (@ebatstone) May 6, 2013

He likes chocolate and bananas.

Breakfast of champions #chocolat #chocolatebanana pic.twitter.com/gexC5UgOZx

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) May 6, 2013

He hates censorship.

Tell Congress: Don’t censor the web! http://t.co/7e8qBMUd

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) January 18, 2012

He shops at Kroger.

Nicest grocery store in America http://t.co/2NdgD7rw

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) October 24, 2012

And, hey, Coca-Cola, give this man an endorsement deal!

I think @CocaCola would taste even better in the arctic cold weather while talking to a polar bear.

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) February 6, 2012

1. Juan Pablo Galavis (current star of TV’s reality train-wreck, The Bachelor). Galavis comes equipped with what Parade magazine (my usual go-to for baseball-related news, right after The Economist) calls an “attractive accent and hunky body,” making him a top choice for teams lacking sufficient handsomeness. Nevertheless, he has found himself in hot water given his recent comments about how a gay or bisexual star of The Bachelor would not be a good role model. (As opposed to the excellent role models that all straight reality television stars are.) Thus, a change of scenery might be good for Galavis. Perhaps to your favorite team, where he offers all the risk of a person who makes offensive comments and none of the reward of actually being able to play baseball.

2. New Jersey governor Chris Christie. Christie could certainly use a new place to ply his craft, whatever that craft might be, after troubles this month involving something about bridge traffic, and how if Chris Christie is standing on a bridge, traffic is blocked in every lane, in both directions. He would make a perfect high-risk, no-reward addition to any team, especially in the short term, since he currently seems likely to be a free agent before his next election. If not sooner. Christie offers your team unmatched plate coverage.

3. Mitik, a frail orphaned walrus. According to The New York Times, Mitik is already on the move, having left New York for Texas, where he will sit out an aquarium renovation, because the unrenovated aquarium is too cold. Most teams could definitely find a place for a temperature-sensitive walrus, especially those in warmer climates. Perhaps the best fit is the Astros, since Mitik is already in Texas, and a frail, orphaned walrus would be an upgrade at most positions. (Though maybe not at first base, where it would be a wash.) He looks to go into spring training unsigned, unless he learns sign language.

From the Chicago Tribune.

Ridiculous typo, of course. (Not) from the article:

“They’re dragging the Ricketts’ [sic] name through the mud. There’s nothing wrong with the softening of bones due to a Vitamin D deficiency. Rickets gets such a bad rap, but it’s totally undeserved. Everyone wants ballplayers to have soft hands — but then when it comes to soft bones everyone fights it? It’s nonsense. We want our players to be soft all over — soft hands, soft bones, a soft heart, and soft of constitution. That’s really the only way they can handle all the losing seasons, to be honest. Really, we think it’s been a problem ever since Wrigley Field started allowing night games. When they played 81 games in the sun, everyone got sufficient Vitamin D, and we didn’t have to think about Rickets. But with these night games — and the paralyzing fear of the world that takes over most of our players and their soft brains — no one gets enough sunlight, everyone’s malnourished, and Rickets has flourished. Not to mention Rod Scurvy, who might have been our bullpen coach except he died in 1992.”

There are very few baseball players with Luther in their name.

Anyway, Tinkers, Evers, and Chance think they’re more worthy of a holiday than this quartet. No matter how much we try to explain it to them.

From ESPN Media Zone (courtesy of Baseball Think Factory):

ESPN’s historic 25th season of Sunday Night Baseball presented by Taco Bell – Major League Baseball’s exclusive, national game of the week – will showcase baseball’s most exciting teams, best rivalries and brightest stars throughout 2014. The season will begin with an exclusive presentation of MLB’s Opening Night on ESPN presented by Scotts – Los Angeles Dodgers at San Diego Padres – on March 30 at 8 p.m. ET. Baseball Tonight will precede the telecast with a special 90-minute pre-game show at 6:30 p.m. hosted by Karl Ravech.

(emphasis added)

Announcing the unprecedented first season of NotGraphs Sunday Night Baseball presented by Purina, Imodium, and Stamps.com, the Internet’s exclusive, inclusive, and occlusive (it will gum up your Internet) game of the week, showcasing baseball-related products from Rawlings, Dick’s Sporting Goods, and Blue Cross Blue Shield, and, oh, maybe some baseball players too, as they hit and pitch and devour new edible delights from Sonic throughout the 2014 season. The season will begin with a once-in-a-lifetime intramural softball game between the folks at Skippy Peanut Butter and Smucker’s Jam (will be rebroadcast three more times, so don’t worry if you miss this once-in-a-lifetime chance), presented by our friends at Bread: Makers of Bread, the exclusive bread bakers for NotGraphs and all of our affiliates, including the National Mustache Society. Preceding the webcast will be a special 4-hour Salute to Actual Tweets, presented by Banco Unpopular, Frito-Lay, the National Wildlife Foundation, and Progesterone, the official hormone of our Sunday Night Baseball presentations.

“Did you make sure to include all of our sponsors in the press release?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Great. Don’t forget Swiffer.”

“Oh, okay.”

And one actual, complete, real headline. Seriously.

Here’s a fun game, if you’ve already finished the rest of the Internet. Try to find a baseball player where the number of Google results for a misspelled version of his name come closest to the number of results for his name spelled correctly.

For instance… Todd Zeile: 84,100 results. Todd Ziele: 6,240 results.

So that’s not so close.

Think you’ve figured out the trick here? Andruw Jones: 752,000 results. Andrew Jones… any guesses? Amazingly, only 417,000 results. A lot of people write about baseball on the Internet, compared to writing about ordinary people whose names are spelled appropriately.

Maybe the trick is to use obscure players. Marcus Semien: 32,000 results (31,000 of them link to FanGraphs). Marcus Semen: only 486 results, and most of them unsafe for work.

Jhonny Peralta: 923,000. Johnny Peralta: 58,200. Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg’s character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine: 31,400.

Wladimir Balentien: 121,000. Vladimir Balentien: 1,440. Vladimir Balentine: 42 results.

Can you find one where the misspelling exceeds the correct one? That’s your challenge, bored-at-work readers. That’s your challenge.

8:00 PM. Where are the jokes about baseball?
8:01 PM. I’m really not sure why Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were picked to host this baseball fielding awards show. I mean, I like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, but what do they know about baseball?
8:03 PM. Wow, they sure got a lot of big celebrities to come to this thing. Wonder why they’re all sitting in the front. I guess Joey Votto is somewhere in the mezzanine.
8:06 PM. Lots and lots of movie jokes, but none about 42. That’s really confusing. You would think if they’re going to talk about movies, they would celebrate the one movie that’s about baseball. Crazy.
8:08 PM. Totally didn’t realize that’s what Johnny Damon looks like, and that his actual first name is Matt. He really cleans up well.
8:10 PM. Did Brandon Phillips really have that good of a year?
8:13 PM. Best supporting actor? You mean like the infield coach? When are they going to get to the catchers?
8:16 PM. These award shows really take forever to get going. I can’t believe someone sent his mother to accept the award for him. Who is she? At least the statue is nice. It looks like a very fine baseball indeed.
8:22 PM. I certainly hope Troy Tulowitzki wins his category.
8:26 PM. Oh… wait… Golden GLOBES????
8:27 PM. No, no, I think former Padres pitcher Brian Lawrence must have just gotten a sex change or something.

And he has the Internet to thank! With the first ever Hall of Fame vote credited to “tweeples,” presenting the immortal and amazing Jacque Jones!

Apprecaite my tweeples for helping me get that 1 HOF vote. Seriously that is awesome.

— Jacque Jones (@JacqueJones11) January 8, 2014

@desipiodotcom @kengurnick @raymon322 Happy New Year Angry Smurf!!!!!!

— Jacque Jones (@JacqueJones11) January 8, 2014

Jacque Jones was once on a fantasy team of mine, I think. It was not the season he had the .852 OPS. Maybe it was the one he had the .446 OPS. Yes, that’s right, .446. Happy New Year, Angry Smurf.

Oh, you were looking for something else?