An anagram of NotGraphs is GraphSnot.

According to this helpful chart, based on the color of the FanGraphs background, we need to seek emergency medical attention immediately.

Of course, based on the color specifically of the NotGraphs section, our problem is likely even more serious than that.

I just spent ten minutes attempting to put snot on a graph, but my photoshopping skills are poor, and I could not come up with anything even closed to post-able.

And the standard for post-able-ness is clearly low, since this is a post.

So if someone can put snot on a graph for me, you win the NotGraphs supporting player of the week award.

Other anagrams of NotGraphs include:

Harp Tongs
Rap Thongs
Spa Throng

and the terribly graphic

Shat Prong

Ouch.

So this post could have been a whole lot worse.

(If you google “rap thongs,” you get these. Safe for work. Flip-flops, not underwear.)

(If you google “harp tongs,” you get actual pictures of metal tongs, because that appears to actually be something real.)

Whoever said you can’t waste time on the Internet was wrong.

From Rotoworld:

Number of strikeouts Nolasco has had in previous starts:

3/31: -1

4/6: The number of moons orbiting the Earth, minus 3

4/12: Prince Fielder’s batting average minus Prince Fielder’s listed weight

4/18: Prince Fielder’s batting average minus Prince Fielder’s actual weight

4/24: Derek Jeter’s OPS+ minus 100

5/2: The number of fans the Braves are hoping to attract to their new ballpark who actually live in the city of Atlanta

(more negative numbers are welcome in the comments)

5/6: Has MRI on elbow.
5/7: Scheduled to see Dr. Andrews.
5/8: Scheduled to see Julie Andrews.
5/9: Cast in upcoming Sound of Music Live 2: The All-Stars of Sport Climb Every Mountain
5/10: Rehearsals for Sound of Music Live 2 begin.
5/11: Wieters suffers slight case of laryngitis.
5/12: Wieters scheduled to see throat doctor. Doctor prescribes rest and hot liquids.
5/13: Wieters drinks tea, burns tongue. Sound of Music Live 2 places him on 3-day DL.
5/14: While recovering from tongue burn, Wieters reaches for television remote control, strains shoulder.
5/15: Strained shoulder is resolved.
5/16: Tongue burn is resolved.
5/17: Laryngitis is resolved.
5/18: Wieters resumes rehearsals for Sound of Music Live 2.
5/19: Wieters stumbles over new words to My Favorite Things, reprinted here:

Manny Machado and Nicky Markakis
Signing Ubaldo looks like a mistake. Is
Jonathan Schoop better than he appears
Nelson Cruz trying to earn the fans’ cheers

Zach Britton’s finding a home in the bullpen
With O’Day and Hunter it’s kind of a full pen
Jones, Hardy, Davis have all started slow
Off to see Andrews, Matt Wieters did go

5/20: Wieters trips over a girl who is sixteen, going on seventeen. Hurts his elbow.
5/21: Sent for MRI.
5/22: Repeat visit to Dr. Andrews, who reminds him he never followed up after the first visit.
5/23: Wieters has Tommy John Surgery.
Next April: Wieters rejoins cast of Sound of Music Live 2.

[Photo is of the e-trade baby, not my actual baby.]

“Hi. I’m seven months old. And even though I can’t talk yet, I can still have thoughts. Fortunately, my daddy can read my mind, so when I was thinking that I would like to write this post, he agreed to transcribe it for me. Even though I don’t really know what baseball is yet, I do know something about fantasy baseball, because sometimes when my daddy thinks he has my head facing away from his computer screen, I’m actually looking out of the corner of my eye. I don’t really know why he and mommy are so obsessed with me not looking at their computer screen. They would rather I stare at the wall? Adults are so silly. It’s not even like they’re doing anything with crazy blinking graphics or other things that are going to screw up my attention span or give me nightmares. They’re reading the New York Times. Big deal. Scrolling text. Wow. Really dangerous. Ugh, adults. They don’t even let me check my e-mail, EVEN THOUGH MY DADDY GOT ME A GMAIL ACCOUNT THE WEEK I WAS BORN. Why be so crazy as to sign up for the e-mail account when you’re not even going to let me check it?

“Where was I? Sorry, it’s hard to stay focused when you’re seven months old. Very easily distracted. Anyway, what was I talking about? Socks, right? They’re so annoying, and yet I don’t quite have the hand-eye coordination yet to pull them off. Ugh. What’s wrong with exposed feet? I like to be able to see my toes to make sure they’re still attached.

“No, wait, I wasn’t talking about socks. I was talking about fantasy baseball, right? I know my daddy is kind of obsessed with fantasy baseball, because when he feeds me at 3AM, the first thing he does is check the ESPN app on his phone to look at box scores. (Why do I still insist on waking up at 3AM to be fed? Because I am evil.) He doesn’t even really try to burp me anymore. He just gives me a couple of perfunctory slaps on the back and then moves me so my eyes can’t see the screen and starts checking all the late games. That is crazy behavior from someone who claims to want to get right back to sleep. Even once I’ve fallen asleep, sometimes he still checks the last couple of games before he puts me down. Sometimes, just to trick him, I pretend I’m asleep, wait for him to get ready to put me down, and then I open my eyes and start kicking my legs so he has to start over again with the bouncing and the ssssshhhhhing. Why can I only fall asleep when someone is bouncing and ssssshhhhing me? I don’t know, I’m just a baby, why should I know?

“What else do I know about fantasy baseball? My daddy is very mad at someone named Carlos Santana, and he should have made that trade someone offered him yesterday but he was too scared to give up on the season so early in the year. Guess what? This isn’t his year. Chris Sale is out for another month, Josh Hamilton is not going to be the same once he comes back, and that hail mary Johan Santana pick at the end of the draft? Even a seven-month-old knows that is not going to be a difference-maker.

“I do need someone to explain WHIP to me, though. What does it stand for, and who made it up? Some things in this world are just super-confusing.”

Matt Santaspirt writes with a brand new statistic that we all need to jump on, right away:

I have created the advanced player evaluation stat to end all advanced player evaluation stats. I present to you, Worth Their Weight in Gold (WTWIG). Gold is hot right now. And what better way to evaluate baseball players than to put them on the Gold Standard. WAR, homeruns, wRC+? All they do is measure how well a guy played. WTWIG measures how much a guy weighs and then converts that into the value of gold.

His full post is here at Mattyball, where he figures out which players came closest to being worth their exact weight in gold in 2013, with value measured by WAR and by salary. By WAR, the closest was Victor Martinez. By salary, the closest was Denard Span.

(By actual gold, I think it’s David Ortiz. See the picture at the top.)

So I think we’ve got a new stat to track here at NotGraphs. I would put my money on Adam Dunn for 2014, except his infinite weight means he is worth infinity in gold, and that’s a lot of home runs he’s going to have to hit.

[Incidentally, if we measure who is worth their weight in silver ($19/ounce as opposed to $1,294/ounce for gold), the answer is the rest of us, who do not play baseball.]

If you’re not reading the wonderful 10 Lessons… series this week over at The Hardball Times, well, perhaps like me, you’re too busy with your electroshock therapy treatments. In any case, I thought I would join in the “fun,” though I’m not sure I know what that even means anymore, not since the accident. Here are ten lessons I’ve learned, having written a whole bunch of NotGraphs posts, some of them still accessible in my long-term memory even after the treatments. (Gosh, who invented this electricity thing? It hurts!)

1. Predictions are enjoyable to make, even if your odds of being right are never any better than chance.

2. Readers never comment on the posts you think they will, and sometimes the ones on which they comment in droves are quite surprising.

3. If you feel particularly sad, and want validation from readers in the form of comments, just ask a question at the end of the post, no matter how pointless. They will comment, and you will again feel that slight connection to the rest of humanity that the remainder of your life does not provide.

4. Baseball provides endless inspiration for posts, related and unrelated to the game, except on the days when you have absolutely no ideas and need to troll Twitter hoping you can stumble on something worth posting.

5. There is no problem that a mustache and a bat flip can’t solve. (Except crippling depression.)

6. Kendrys Morales has it worse off than me. (And if anyone wants to offer me a 1-year, $11 million deal to write for them, I will take it, no questions asked.)

7. Really stuck for a post? Just make up a new statistic.

8. Putting Dustin Pedroia’s face on the body of lizards does not pay off in terms of time spent versus comments received.

9. Writing for NotGraphs does not, as previously assumed, entitle you to pitch for the Mets.

10. Don’t promise a list of ten items when you only have three or four good ideas.

It’s Johntasy Baseball, the game where you draft a roster of pitchers, and when they all undergo Tommy John surgery, you win! Sounds easy, right? Especially since Tommy John Surgery is like the new Neck Tattoo. Trendy, painful, and pretty terrible to watch. But there’s more! What if someone on your roster just wants to rest and rehab? Why, that’s worth points too — and then extra points when he ultimately has the surgery anyway? Someone on your team sent to Dr. Andrews for an evaluation? Points! MRI? Points! Disabled for a generic-sounding soreness issue that you’re pretty sure is going to end in surgery eventually? Chris Sale, you’re scoring the saddest points of them all! Rehab setback? Points! Start pushed back? Points! Does he even have an elbow ligament anymore? Points! With Johntasy Baseball, everyone wins, except everyone!

“Good afternoon on a beautiful day here in the ballpark. Baseball was made to be played on a day like this, and as the grounds crew removes the tarp, we are ready to get set to start today’s game between these two teams, whoever they may be. Don’t forget, today’s game is brought to you by our friends at Budweiser, makers of fine cars. Do your banking at Budweiser, or in a net at Budweiser-dot-corn.

“We also can’t forget to tell you about the Awful Announcing Announcer Rankings, where we finished 31st. Hey, that’s not bad. Not sure we really want to vouch for a set of rankings where our old pal Vince Cally finished 2nd, but, hey, who can beat the ol’ New York Giants and their team of talker people.

“So, the starting lineups tonight, we should tell you those. They’re brought to you by our friends at Toyota, king of beers. Crack open a Toyota, and enjoy the show, premiering Wednesday night at 9, here at Toyota and available in huge definition. Hey, so the pitcher is warming up in the bullpen. I think he may be a righty… no, wait… he’s a lefty. Big surprise there.

“We should mention some statistics. Did you know your home team is 0-1 in afternoon games so far this weekend. So that’s something to watch out for. Also, most of the hitters have never faced the opposing pitcher, who is making his first major league start that we’re aware of, although we’re now being told it is not actually his first start. Oh, wait, he’s not the pitcher, is he? He’s the umpire? Okay, we’ll start that whole sentence again.

“This actually reminds me of when I played, and there were batters and pitchers too. I faced a lot of pitchers, and did well off some of them, and poorly off others. But I always tried to stay within myself, and that’s really the key tonight.

“The keys of the game, brought to you by Taco Bell, the key to a satisfying home purchase. Taco Bell, with low interest rates, and representatives who come right to your door, seven days a week. If you need a new tire, it’s Taco Bell. Where were we? Oh, yes, the rain. It’s really coming down this morning. So I think we might have to pack it in and send you over to an episode of Charles In Charge, already in progress. Boy, that Charles. Will he ever learn? We’ll see you tomorrow for a day-night doubleheader, or, as Earl Banks once said, Play Ball!”

Yesterday’s New York Times Sunday Routine column covered a day in the life of Matt Harvey, where he admits to loving cheese:

Cheese is my favorite food of all time. I spend more on cheese at Whole Foods than all my other groceries combined. It’s a disgusting habit.

Which brings me to the first in a series. Matt Harvey’s Favorite Cheeses.

Let’s see… Matt Harvey… Tommy John surgery… Tommy… Tomme… TOMME. A low-in-fat cheese produced in the French Alps and Switzerland. Tasty-looking, and $29.99/lb. on the Murray’s Cheese website.

Stay tuned for more of Matt Harvey’s Favorite Cheeses.

The usually-excellent Jonah Keri has a fine-looking piece I haven’t read yet over on Grantland making the case that the low batting averages and high strikeout rates this season are making 2014 feel like 1968.

I think he’s wrong. I think this season feels like 1794. Here’s why:

In 1794, the first session of the United States Senate was open to the public. In 2014, Astros games are also open to the public, although fewer people have noticed.

In 1794, Eli Whitney was granted a patent for the cotton gin. In 2014, baseball uniforms are made out of cotton.

In 1794, the Polish people overthrew the Russians in Warsaw. In 2014, Jeff Samardzija. Is he Polish? Czech?

In 1794, chemist Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. In 2014, Carlos Santana will be executed by guillotine IF HE DOESN’T START HITTING AGAIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM HE IS THE CORNERSTONE OF MY SCORESHEET TEAM WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IS HE BATTING .132?

In 1794, British troops captured Port-au-Prince in Haiti. In 2014, Sandy Alderson captured Bobby Abreu and Kyle Farnsworth and put them on a baseball field for the first time since 1946.

In 1794, Horatio Nelson lost the sight in his right eye in a British military operation at Calvi in Corsica. In 2014, Brian McCann lost his batting eye and stopped walking.

In 1794, the United States and Great Britain concluded the Jay Treaty, the basis for ten years of peaceful trade between the two nations. In 2014, the Mariners traded Hector Noesi to the Rangers, leading to Noesi pitching a horrible seven-run inning for the Rangers and peace between no one at all.

In 1794, coffee was forbidden by royal decree in Sweden. I think baseball is going to ban it soon too.

In 1794, the French Republic abolished slavery. In 2014, only Stephen Drew and Kendrys Morales are slaves.

My case has been made.