2013 was a bad year for you, Astros fans, and if we’re being honest — and why wouldn’t we — 2014 isn’t going to be a whole lot better.
And when the doggiest days of summer are upon you, when hope is but a degrading granule of sugar in the boiling bathtub of water that is Houston fandom, remember this; Jose Altuve will tumble for you.
Watch:
Listen:
My little nephew Danny has been really struggling at tee ball, so he turned to his Professional Baseball Writer of an uncle for advice. The only problem is, I also stunk at tee ball, so I may not have been the best source of information.
But what I lack in physical prowess, I make up for in analytical skills, so I tried to help Danny the only way I knew how — by installing a makeshift PitchFX system at his tee ball park. This new system, which I call TeeFX, has proven to be a wealth of knowledge when it comes to analyzing the various pitches a tee ball tee can deliver.
See that spot in the middle there? That’s where the ball is, so I told Danny that swinging at that would increase his chances off putting bat on ball. I think this small adjustment in approach could really help Danny turn things around.
When Danny’s father allows him to speak to me again, I will report back with further findings.
If you heard rumors of a recent gathering of FanGraphs writers in Arizona, I’m here to confirm those rumors. And when FanGraphs writers come to a town, they run that town. This is not to say they run in that town, as physical activity is not usually on the itinerary. But they do live life to the fullest, if that only entails going to Spring Training games and restaurants.
One such restaurant, the very fancy Chelsea’s Kitchen, specialized in a certain drink called white sangria. This is fulfilling to two ways:
So, I turn to you, fair NotGraphs readers. What player deserves the nickname White Sangria?
LOS ANGELES — In a move to address their crowded-outfield situation and alleviate some payroll concerns, the Los Angeles Dodgers have traded Carl Crawford for a player to be named later. As expected, due to Crawford’s sizable contract, he was traded to the the Los Angeles Dodgers, ostensibly the only team that could take on his salary.
“We’re very excited to have Carl as a member of the Dodgers,” Los Angeles GM Ned Colletti said in a press conference. “He’s a tremendous talent, and I think he’s exactly what we need to push us deeper into the playoffs this season.”
“We are big fans of Carl, and we certainly wish him the best of luck,” Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said during a conference call with reporters. “It was an unfortunate situation for us to lose him, but we feel this move will help our team position ourselves to have a highly-competitive squad for years to come.”
Los Angeles and the Dodgers seemed like perfect trade partners, due to Los Angeles’ ballooning payroll and the Dodgers’ seemingly bottomless pockets. And as rumors swirled around Crawford’s possible trade, the Dodgers seemed to be the only team that could afford him.
“I think both teams certainly benefit from the trade,” said one of the Collettis, probably the first one. “Every team engages in trades to get better. Los Angeles did, and I think Dodgers fans will agree that their team did too.”
There has been no official word on who the player to be named later will be, but many insiders have speculated that it could be Andre Ethier.
There comes a time in every famous Internet writer’s life when he/she needs to purchase a new laptop. When said writer purchases said laptop, he/she may be inclined to also purchase some sort of protective cover for this laptop, which creates a situation in which this writer needs to make a life decision in regards to the design of this protective cover — as it will no doubt influence the narrative strangers in coffee shops and airports will create surrounding this writer.
This very exact situation has happened to myself. My father has a long-standing maxim — “When you reach a fork in the road, take it.” If the above-mentioned situation is a fork in a road, I have indeed taken it. This is all to say, I’ve recently made a life decision.
It came to my attention, while doing some very important, not-at-all bullshit research, that there was once a baseball player named Tim Spooneybarger. As he was not a baseball player that long ago, I would like to think that I once knew this already, and his existence has been simply washed from my conscience by the cleansing waters of bourbon.
Nevertheless, the fact that Tim Spooneybarger once was and still is a man, and the fact that that once and future man has the name Tim Spooneybarger, makes him a prime candidate for our Men Surrounded by Things series.
Many of the voices in this author’s head considers NotGraphs to be the Skull and Bones of Internet Baseball Writing, mainly in that it’s secretive and pointless. But it’s our club, damn it, and we’ll be damned if we will have some millionaire baseball player steal our secret handshake and show it to some minor-leaguer on broadcast television. J’accuse!
Take solace, fair reader, in the fact that Mr. Cistulli and I will work non-stop next week when we meet in Arizona to devise a new secret handshake. Then, if you meet one of us in person and try to perform the old handshake, we can have you arrested for assault, which was our goal the whole time. Have fun in jail, dummy.
(h/t Mike Axisa)
This is not ironic, sarcastic, or satirical.
This is not a deep look into the very soul of the author, not a roll call of all his psychological maladies.
This is not a metaphor, simile, nor allegory. Stop looking for a place to dig your finger nail. There are no layers to peel.
This is not commentary on the human condition, the frailness of life, the meaning of existence, nor the futility of the every day.
This is just a video of Carlos Correa hitting a double. And it’s fucking perfect.
(h/t Evan Drellich)
The state of Minnesota is a terrible place to live right now. It snows one foot per day here. The days it doesn’t snow, it’s 87 degrees below zero. The cars that can be started are getting stuck on the roads, wedged between parked cars, or left idling in the middle of the street as the drivers decide that mid-trip seppuku is their most appealing destination.
But Spring was coming. Baseball was coming. Miguel Sano was coming. Maybe not right away, but the Twins’ big-bat prospect was almost a shoo-in to get some time in the bigs this season, and with him would come a promise — of tomorrow, of success, and of winters with a little more sun, if perhaps only metaphorically.
And now, Sano is out. The winter of the late summer will remain. We are bumbling through a second date after a promising first. We are gold miners enticed by some swindler’s surface sparkle. We are Minnesotans. We are reminded.
Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome. Welcome.
Welcome to Baseball Tonight.
Well, it’s almost upon us everybody. Baseball is almost here, in fact, the first Spring Training games began today.
[Applause Break]
Yes. Baseball is here and everyone is getting back in shape. Pitchers are loosening their arms, batters are getting their timing down. I even saw Ron Gardenhire trying out some new curse words to yell at umpires.
[Break for Laughter] Read the rest of this entry »