Author Archive

September 5th, 2012

Tommy woke up in the dawn of just another day. It was one of those middle-of-the-day weeks that pretends to be another – a Wednesday masquerading as a Tuesday, a Thursday acting like a Wednesday. After some moments of contemplation, Tommy came to the conclusion that it was indeed a Wednesday, though the holiday weekend caused him to think twice. He woke his computer from its nightly slumber, and went to work on his regular digital routine. Browser tabs were dedicated to the usual – news site, bank account, email, social networks. The final tab was dedicated to baseball. Tommy’s interest in the children’s game had waned years ago. Even when a new team moved to his native Washington, D.C., he couldn’t muster enough interest to catch up on the years lost to him. But he always checked the standings and box scores, just like his father taught him to do with the daily paper. It was more out of habit than concern, a 30-second pause in his morning and nothing else.

That can’t be right. The Orioles are in first place? How is that possible? The team from Baltimore, whose games his father toiled over nightly during Tommy’s childhood hadn’t been relevant in over a decade. When was the last time they contended? The late 90s? Surely, MLB.com was in error. Tommy deleted the URL from the address bar and went to USA Today. They said the same. So did Sports Illustrated, FOX Sports, and ESPN. Something wasn’t right. He thought he’d been paying at least a modicum of attention to the goings on in the baseball world. Was it possible he just overlooked a historically bad team of late rising to contention so far along in the season? He connected to a different wireless network, one that his neighbor didn’t have locked down. The results didn’t change. His smartphone echoed everything he’d seen so far. For some reason, the Internet was convinced that the Orioles were tied for the lead in the AL East. Something most certainly wasn’t right. He packed his laptop in his backpack and headed to work. Further investigation was needed.

What began as a nagging inconvenience turned to an obsession around 2 p.m. Tommy found himself refreshing the standings page on his work computer every minute. The information never changed, and Tommy was beginning to get worried. He’d seen enough movies and read enough books about technological warfare to remember that there were always small glitches in the network before the shit really hit the fan. These infections and viruses and whatever always made tiny changes here and there as they spread to other servers and workstations. The genius hero of the book would always recognize these errors early, but his warnings would always fall on deaf ears. And as soon as anyone could blink … BAM! Global Internet chaos was upon the entire civilized world. He checked the standings page once again. The knot in Tommy’s stomach tightened.

He never remembered having a panic attack before, but Tommy was convinced he was in the throes of one when 4 p.m. rolled around. Visions of crashing jetliners and standstill traffic flashed through his mind. He pictured the news coverage of people cashing out their bank accounts and knocking over gas stations. The entire world would flip into survival mode. If he didn’t act now, he would be left behind – the last dog to the bowl.

As he sped away from his office, Tommy couldn’t even remember if he gave his boss an excuse for leaving early. He doubted his boss would notice, and didn’t care if she did.

The parking lot at the Walmart had more cars in the late afternoon than Tommy had expected. He was worried that others had caught on too.  Time was of the essence.  He quickly exited his Volvo wagon and briskly walked to the front doors.

The crowd in the store seemed calmed. Perhaps they were playing it cool, perhaps they were unaware of the impending global disaster. He checked the standings on his phone again. No change. He wheeled his cart through every aisle, looking for anything that could help him survive until this coming storm passed, if it ever would. Non-perishable food, camping gear, gas cans, medical supplies, crop seeds, batteries, matches, and a gas-powered generator filled his cart. Were it not for the mandatory waiting period, Tommy would have purchased a gun.

The cashier asked no questions at the checkout line, which relieved Tommy since he hadn’t been able to come up with a believable story. He checked his phone again. He wanted to warn the cashier. She probably had family, and maybe even kids. As terrible as it made him feel, he couldn’t raise warning to her. He needed the roads to be as clear as possible as he made his way out of town. He’d fill his gas cans and his Volvo, then travel to the most rural place he could find. He’d look for an abandoned farm, or a densely-wooded area. The further he got from any semblance of population the better.

As he loaded his car in the parking lot, Tommy had a thought. He closed the hatch and headed back to the Walmart. He made his way to the men’s apparel section, and found the sports portion. Amongst the plethora of Nationals memorabilia, he found a small end cap devoted the Orioles. Baltimore being about an hour away, the O’s were still considered somewhat of a local team. He picked up a black hat with an orange cartoon bird on the front. It flashed him a knowing smile. He would keep this hat for the duration of his plight. Perhaps it would provide him protection. The Orioles had been looking out for him so far.


What Would You Say … I Do Here?

It takes a big man – and I’m speaking in terms of metaphors, not junk size – to admit when he needs help. You see, I’ll be taking a trip tomorrow to the very small town of Suring, WI for a family reunion. How small of a town is Suring, WI? Well, the image below is a recent one of the downtown area of Suring, WI.

I see they’ve installed a street light since my last visit.

I’m not worried about the town in and of itself, however. I’m worried more about the fact that a large portion of my family (father’s side) will be occupying this town at one time. Moreover, I’m worried about conversing with this group of people. Not to go all Doc Hollywood on you, but I live a different life than most of my kin. My day consists of things like public transit, sidewalks, smartphones, and black people. These are things to which my brethren are not very accustomed.

Though it may sound as if I’m making value judgments, I am not. I am merely trying to set the scene for what I will be dealing with tomorrow. I haven’t seen many of these people since my wedding and some even prior to that. As with any meeting of long lost family, there will be the normal barrage of questions pertaining to my life, of what it consists, and what I’m doing with it. My wife will not be joining me, though my parents should be able to vouch for her existence. I can talk about my home and my dogs, which will be just fine, but the conversation will eventually turn to my occupation. My day job, as it were, is fairly easy to explain. I fix computer systems for an insurance company. Boom. However, my parents will undoubtedly bring up my other venture, baseball writing, much of which appears on this very site. This is where the wicket gets sticky.

To most of my relatives, saying I write about baseball on the Internet sounds completely made up. I may as well say I am an underground astronaut or a unicorn rancher. Despite my numerous requests, I have still not received my NotGraphs business cards, so providing proof will be difficult. Assuming we can get past that, another set of questions will arise:

“Do you get to travel with a team?”
“What’s a clubhouse like?”
“Have you met Ted Williams?”

This is where I need help. I need to try and explain my position here at NotGraphs to a group of people unfamiliar with things like GIFs, Twitter, advanced statistics, blogs, irony, and the Internet in general. Since I am in a bit of a drought right now in the way of friends and positive influences, I turn to you, fair NotGraphs reader.

You’d be doing me a huge solid if you could provide a succinct, one-sentence answer explaining NotGraphs that can be understood by a more, let’s say rural, audience. Some of you will attempt to be clever (and will most certainly fail), but I know there are some out there who can assist me in my conundrum.

Help me, baseball nerds. You’re my only hope.


Regretful Purchase, Stupid Bobblehead Edition

There is a saying that a fool and his money are soon parted. Whether that’s the case or not, it is true that anyone who possesses money will eventually spend some of it in a way that does not contribute to his/her overall well-being and fulfillment as a person. There are, of course, a nearly infinite set of degrees to which this can play out. I feel as though I fall on the upper 50% of that spectrum, but I am not without my occasional lapses in judgment. Behold this stupid bobblehead I bought on eBay recently:

The absurdity of this purchase is magnified by the fact that:

1. I don’t live in Oakland, nor have I ever considered myself a fan of the Oakland Athletics.

Read the rest of this entry »


Presenting a Crummy Poem Written for Mike Trout

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why do you pout?
Are you worried you’ll make a fly ball out?
What’s that sad face all about?
You’re the best rookie in baseball, no doubt.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why are you sore?
You’re the league’s best player, says Fangraphs WAR!
Did they run out of Mountain Dew at the store?
Check back tomorrow, they’ll surely have more.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why are you sad?
Did you forget to TiVo the new Breaking Bad?
Did Pujols say something mean ‘bout your dad?
Or did you remember that nightmare you had?

Oh, Mike Trout.
It’ll all be O.K.
You aren’t wealthy now, but you will be some day.
You’ll buy a nice watch with liquid crystal display.
And a beautiful home down in Barnegat Bay.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why must you fret?
Did your cousin crash his souped-up Chevette?
May I suggest hearing a nice string quartet?
Some Bartók would raise your spirits, I bet.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Not a classical fan?
Perhaps you’re more of a death metal man.
Maybe you enjoy the stylings of Steely Dan?
Switch out the music, but stick to the plan.

Oh, Mike Trout.
Why do you pout?
Are you worried you’ll make a fly ball out?
What’s that sad face all about?
You’re the best rookie in baseball, no doubt.


Great Moments in Hack Jokes Written About Baseball

Today’s installment of Great Moments in Hack Jokes Written About Baseball comes from comedian and current Branson, MO resident, Yakov Smirnoff.

The following two passages are from his seminal work, America on Six Rubles a Day.

 

I am still amazed every time I hear on the radio that a player has managed to catch several “fly balls.” How do they see those little things? (This explains why they all wear gloves.)

Some of the most confusing phrases are in the rules of the game itself. For example, they say, “If you have four balls, you walk.” Of course you walk. How are you to run with four balls? You walk proud!

 

This has been Great Moments in Hack Jokes Written About Baseball.

(h/t to my friend Ryan, who discovered this book and promptly gifted it to me)


Which Baseballer Should Appear on Yo Gabba Gabba?

It came to this author’s attention recently that basketballer Metta World Peace is to appear in an upcoming episode of Yo Gabba Gabba.

If you are not familiar with Mr. World Peace’s work, note that he is a forward/crazy person for the Los Angeles Lakers. He is one of my favorite basketball players, not because of his play (which has diminished over the years), but because of his general disregard for social normalcy and civilized behavior.

If you are not familiar with the television show Yo Gabba Gabba, note that it is a show on the Nickelodeon network enjoyed by children, hipsters, and of course hipster children. Its style beckons back to that of Sid and Marty Krofft , with its colorful fantasy characters and overt drug overtones.

But why, fair readers, should only NBA players be allowed to appear on this delightful program? Surely an MLB player would provide a passable performance whilst also giving baseball more exposure to the doomed youth of today.

So which baseballer would you like to see in Yo Gabba Gabba? The winner of the below poll will have an abbreviated episode written for them by yours truly. If you feel that I’ve unfairly excluded someone (and I’m sure you do), please provide your write-in choice in the comments.

Vote early. Vote often. And, for God’s sake, think of the children.

[polldaddy poll=6471277]


People Are Retroactively Stealing My Ideas and Doing Them Better

I had a great idea for a post, where I would assemble a baseball team using only members of the Wu-Tang Clan, and fictionalize a team meeting in the club house.

A great idea, no doubt. And so original! Surely, no one had considered transplanting hip-hop artists into a baseball team. What brilliance!

However, just to make sure, I did what any good writer in constant fear of being called a plagiarizer does. I Googled it.

Lo and behold, someone had thought of this premise before. Also, they executed it far better than I could have.

I have been a voyeur of  Flip Flop Fly Ball for some time, though this post slipped through my fingers.

This infographic, outlining a fictitious game between the aforementioned Clan and Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band,  is beyond terrific. Clicking the above hyperlink will bring you to the original post, complete with play-by-play. Take note that the umpires are the members of Led Zeppelin.

I love this so much, you guys. Bless you, baseball nerds.


The Scott Podsednik Story, as Embellished by 13-Year-Old Girls

Scene: a crowded cafeteria in a middle school lunch room. A group of young girls are sitting at a table, eating Greek yogurt. Another young lady takes a seat at the table, and begins talking.

Savannah: Oh. My. God. You guys. Have you heard about Scott?

Madison: No. What?

Kelli: Duuuuuh. He and Boston broke up. He’s with Arizona now. That happened like a week ago.

Aurora: Nuh uh, Scott and Arizona are broken up now. Tyffani told me that Arizona only went out with Scott because she wanted to get with Matt Albers. She totally used him.

Savannah: Yeah, but guess what? Destiny told me that Regan said that Kaylee heard from Audra that Zoe read on Peyton’s Twitter that Scott and Boston were back together.

Aurora, Kelli, Madison, in unison: SHUT UP!

Savannah: Totally. I talked to Makayla and she told me that Aubree saw them making out by Harper’s locker.

Madison: I always knew they’d get back together. They made such a cute couple. When Philadelphia dumped Scott, and then he started going out with Boston, it just made sense, ya know?

Aurora: Yeah, but what about Craig? Wasn’t Boston going out with him after she broke up with Scott?

Kelli: I think they’re still friends. I mean, Craig’s nice, but Boston can do way better than a LOOGY.

Aurora: Totally.

Madison: Totally.

Savannah, to Kelli: So are you gonna go out with Craig now that he’s single?

Kelli: NO! I mean, I guess he’s cute or whatever…

Savannah: I KNEW IT! You love Craig! You’re gonna have all his babies!

Kelli: No I’m not!

Madison: You guys. Shut up. Here comes Scott.

Scott, walking by the table: Hello.

All Girls: Hiiiiii Scott.

Scott passes.

Aurora, whispering at first: Oh. My. God. He’s so cute. Boston is so lucky. I bet they’ll be together forever.

The bell rings. The girls disperse and walk to their respective classes. Kelli got a B- on her math test, which she found to be totally gay.


Defining GIF using Joe Mauer’s Handsome Neck

Joe Mauer defines GIF, in regards to this foul tip by the Indians’ Shelley Duncan, as Getit Inda Froat.


Fullfilling Two American Dreams: Playing Baseball and Owning a Failed Business

It may be hard to imagine, fair readers, but baseballers didn’t always live the luxurious lives they do now. Before the contract boom of the later 20th century, members of local nines made a fairly modest living, all things considered. Many don’t know this, but before Lou Gehrig came to prominence, his weekly pay consisted of $11, a handshake, and a coupon to a house of ill repute in Sacramento. John Thorn told me that story.

Many players of yesteryear actually held other jobs in the offseason to supplement their meager earnings. Many did manual labor in shipyards and warehouses, while others would travel north for lumberjacking jobs. Some players would try to cash in, if you will, on the fame attached to their names by opening their own businesses. While this plan was not flawed in concept – people have been capitalizing on their 15 minutes of fame for a very long time (see: Christ, Jesus) – the execution and/or business plans of some of these establishments left quite a bit to be desired. Behold:

—-

Dusty Baker’s Dusty Bakery (est. 1981, closed 1981)

Dusty Baker, the manager of the currently-first-place Cincinnati Reds, came from a long line of bakers, hence the name. His pastry lineage goes back to the 1700s, and his parents expected him to continue the family business when he came of age. But Dusty had a penchant for baseball, and showed some skill at the sport, so he defied his family’s wishes and signed with the Atlanta Braves. Years later, he tried to appease his father, now on his deathbed, by starting his own bakery. He hoped this gesture would make amends, and repair the relationship broken for so many years.

But there were hundreds of bakeries in Los Angeles, and so Dusty tried to make his stand out by incorporating his name into the theme of the business. It did not work. Customers complained of the air quality, and the atmosphere made all the goods sold taste like a fireplace or construction site, depending on the day. The bakery shuttered a mere two months after its opening. The day after it closed, Baker’s father died of scurvy.

Whitey Ford’s Whitey Ford Dealership (est. 1955, closed 1960)

Whitey Ford was an All-Star pitcher for the New York Yankees. This did not, however, provide him with the luxuries he thought he deserved. Hoping to benefit from America’s new love affair with the automobile, he and his business manager “Racist” Pete Henderson opened a sprawling dealership in Stony Point, NY. Though the clientele was limited by choice, Ford’s dealership did well initially, becoming the best-selling dealership in the county after its first year. They sold a record number of Fairlanes after running ads in the local paper stating “The Ford Fairlane: A Superior Car for the Superior Race.”

Ford’s dealership closed shortly after the 1960 World Series, when the Yankees lost the series to the Pittsburgh Pirates in dramatic fashion. Fans, upset that Ford was unable to relieve in Game 7, blamed Ford for the series loss, because Yankees fans have always been the worst, apparently. The costs to remove graffiti and repair the constant damage inflicted upon his business became too great, and he sold his assets off in November.

Woody Abernathy’s Wooden Haberdashery (est. 1946, closed 1947)

Giants pitcher and celebrated fop Woody Abernathy knew he didn’t quite have the stuff to last in the Majors, so he moved quickly to establish his clothier featuring garments made exclusively from wood.

Though he found a modicum of success with a line of underpants made from birch bark, Abernathy ran through his life savings quickly, and struggled to stay afloat. Despite the fact that he was in a great deal of debt, he was lucky enough to be current on his insurance payments, as his shop mysteriously (and quite easily) burned to the ground in 1947. Three casualties were reported as result of the blaze.

Ugly Dickshot’s Ugly Dick Shots (est. ?, closed ?)

No image found since I refuse to do a Google Image Search for Ugly Dick Shot

Johnny “Ugly” Dickshot hardly made any money as a player, but was given coins as charity by people who simply felt sorry for him. He saved his nickels and he saved his dimes, and eventually opened Ugly Dickshot’s Ugly Dick Shots. Little is known about this establishment, including what it actually did. This author provides the three following possibilities:

  1. It was a portrait studio selling photos of ugly people named Dick.
  2. It was a place where one could, if one were so inclined, get kicked in the crotch for a small fee.
  3. It was a film studio, specializing in capturing footage of grotesque male genitalia.

—–

Though large contracts and sponsorships have curtailed named-based businesses amongst current baseball players, there are still opportunities to be had. Possible endeavors include Andre Ethier’s House of Ether, Hunter Pence’s Fences, and Mikes Trout and Carp’s Mike’s Trout and Carp.