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Author Archive
Tastes Perfected at Coors Field
It has come to this author’s attention – via the above tweet and article by ESPN personality/banal number-producer Darren Rovell – that the Blue Moon beverage company has come up with a new beer/wine hybrid. Apparently, the taste for this “drink” was perfected at Coors Field in Denver, CO. Knowing this, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team searched for, and discovered, other tastes perfected at Coors Field:
A Candid Look into This Author’s Life
The following is a transcript of an Internet-based chat between the author and his wife, prompted by the author learning something new in the latest issue of OUT magazine:
If anyone can help the author create a Match.com profile, it would be greatly appreciated.
R.A. Dickey Enters Whole New World
TORONTO – After agreeing to an extension with the Toronto Blue Jays today, pitcher R.A. Dickey will be in a whole new world for the next three years. This shining, shimmering, splendid extension finalized a trade that sent Dickey from the Mets to Toronto.
Sources were unable to confirm when Dickey last let his heart decide.
“[Toronto GM] Alex [Anthopoulos] really opened my eyes to the wonder of Canada,” Dickey said in a press conference announcing the deal. “He took me on a helicopter trip. We went over, sideways, and under the city. I really felt like I was on a magic carpet ride.”
“I’m excited to show R.A. a new fantastic point of view,” said Anthopoulos. “In Toronto, there’s no one to tell us ‘no’, or where to go. No one says we’re only dreaming.”
Dickey said that though he has pitched in Toronto before, he never got to really experience the city.
“It’s a dazzling place. I never knew. But now, from way up here, it’s crystal clear. I’m in a whole new world. Unbelievable sights.”
Dickey told reporters his feelings were indescribable, and even his plane trip to Toronto made him feel as if he were soaring, tumbling, and freewheeling through an “endless diamond sky.”
“I told him not to dare close his eyes,” said Anthopoulos. “There are still a hundred thousand things to see.”
Dickey was then asked about his recent ascension from minor-league cast-off to Cy Young winner and staff ace.
“I’m holding my breath, in hopes it gets better. I’m like a shooting star, really. I’ve come so far. I can’t go back to where I used to be.”
Dickey’s wife Anne, also at the press conference, was asked to explain the process of negotiating and having her husband on the trading block.
“It was really a whole new world,” she said. Every turn, there was a surprise. But now, we have new horizons to pursue. I hope every moment is red-letter.”
“I’ll chase him anywhere,” she said when asked how she felt about possibly moving to a new country. “There’s time to spare. I’m just excited to share this whole new world with him. Toronto, that’s where we’ll be.”
“It’s been a thrilling chase,” added R.A. Dickey. “But this is a wondrous place for my wife and me.”
Abu the Monkey contributed to this story.
Inserting Rondell White’s Name Into Corporate Emails
Here, we insert Rondell White’s name into an email the author received not very long ago:
Please be advised that there will be a change in the voicemail setup.
Any Saved or Unheard message will automatically delete after 60 days.
Heard messages will automatically delete after 30 days.
Once these messages are deleted, they will not be retrievable. They are permanently deleted from the Rondell White.
Starting Monday, you should receive a message (marked below in yellow) indicating “Warning” or “Notice” that messages will be deleted or were deleted if you have any messages that fall in the parameters above.
So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way
On a broad scale, Carlos Gomez and Manny Ramirez are very similar, in the fact that they both are one of the lucky few who get/got to play baseball for a living. They were both born in the Dominican Republic, and they even play the same general position of outfield. However, if you zoom in strictly to the world of baseball players, Carlos Gomez and Manny Ramirez aren’t very similar at all. They are separated by thirteen years of age, 511 home runs, and probably around 40 pounds. They have never played on the same team, and have a moderate discrepancy in career salaries – somewhere around $201 million. Even in their tiny, inevitably-meaningless world, there aren’t a whole lot of reasons for Carlos Gomez and Manny Ramirez to, like, hang out.
And yet, Carlos Gomez and Manny Ramirez will not let social norms and societal precedents guide them. They will march to the beat of their own drummers. They will blaze their own trails, carve their own niches, answer to no one but themselves. They’re gonna get all Dead Poets Society up in this bitch. We are not their dads, and we can’t tell them what to do.
So, yeah, if Carlos Gomez and Manny Ramirez want to hang out, they will. If they want to go to what looks like some sort of quinceañera held in the unfinished back room of a banquet hall, they’re going to do it. If they want to pose for a blurry picture with a card table full of salads, baked beans, and what appears to be a slow-roasted human leg, they will, damn it. And if Carlos Gomez wants to tweet that picture, then no one is going to stop him. Because life is short. You should spend as much of it as you can at a cannibal party with players too washed-up to catch on with the Oakland A’s. Carpe diem, indeed, Carlos Gomez and Manny Ramirez. Let us all raise a glass to this most curious of friendships.
The Two Faces of Chris Archer
By now you most likely have, being a baseball fan and all, heard of the recent trade between the Kansas City Royals and Tampa Bay Rays. You have also probably noticed a plethora of Hot Sports Opinions™ on the matter. I feel no need to offer more of these, but I do feel a need to talk about Chris Archer’s face.
With the subtraction of James Shields and Wade Davis from the Rays’ rotation and bullpen, respectively, there is a very good chance that we will get to see more of Chris Archer in some capacity in 2013. Archer is 24, and was listed by Baseball America as the Rays #1 prospect in 2012. He logged only 29 innings in 2012, and though his ERA was high, he flashed good strikeout numbers as well as an 86 FIP-. He may very well turn out to be a good pitcher, or not. Again, not my department.
What interests me about Chris Archer is his strange ability to make only two types of faces. The activities of the banal everyday may not coax a myriad of expressions from us lowly ne’er-do-wells, but Archer is a baseball player. He gets paid to play baseball. Surely, he can surmise at least a handful of expressions to portray the proverbial thrill of victory and/or agony of defeat. Nope. Behold the two faces of Chris Archer;
NNSFP: Grey-Eyed Man of Destiny
Nickname Seeks Former Player: Grey-Eyed Man of Destiny
Full Disclosure: I’m really writing one of these because there hasn’t been one in a while, and I miss them. I realize that this is Dayn Perry’s shtick, and repurposing it may very well warrant me a soup bone to the jaw, but nevertheless, I’m going to give it a shot.
The inspiration for this nickname comes from Internet baseball writer/nerdfather Rob Neyer, and one of his recent tweets. This Mr. Walker was quite a person of history, having conquered Mexico, Nicaragua, and Honduras in a mere 46-year span. His death was most likely bloody, which gives him both life-style and lifestyle points. But that nickname. That nickname can be better used.
We should – nay, MUST – find a former player that best fits this name. Remember, this exercise requires said player not to be former in the sense that he formally was alive, just formally a baseballer.
In the spirit of Mr. Walker, this player should also be grey-/steely-eyed (eyes made of actual musket balls do qualify), and have fulfilled or at least possessed a destiny. Bonus points to any player who waltzed into a foreign country and usurped its regime. This man must be a grizzled, grizzly, gizzard-eater. His victories in war might possibly outweigh his victories in WAR. This must be a man of the people, in that he most likely killed, and certainly was murdered by, people. Patriot? Perhaps. Patronizing? Probably. People Person? PFFT!
Sound off, fair NotGraphs readers. Which former player deserves the moniker of “Grey-Eyed Man of Destiny”? You nominations will be considered, with the top candidates meeting in a showdown next week.
Animals React to the Winter Meetings
The following are various animals reacting to the results of this year’s Winter Meetings:
Possible Childish Headlines re: R.A. Dickey
The following are fifteen possible childish headlines regarding the R.A. Dickey trade situation:
Dickey Deep in Negotiations
Angels Working Hard on Dickey
Alderson Discussed Dickey All Night
Suitors May Have to Pay Big Price for Dickey
Deal with Dickey Close to Completion