Baseball Players Twerking: Joey Votto
This has been Baseball Players Twerking.
Author Archive
Kyle Blanks Seeks Brand Ambassador
Kyle Blanks is seeking an enthusiastic and experienced brand ambassador . This position requires proven and tested customer service excellence, an outgoing “people person” personality, confidence, dependability and a solid work ethic. Must have a valid drivers license and have knowledge of who Kyle Blanks is.
Kyle Blanks is a fun, fast-paced, dynamic work environment with a strong record of growth, and tremendous potential. He is also a major-league baseball player. You can look it up! Kyle Blanks has over 0 locations nationwide and is one of the fastest-growing center-fielders in the greater San Diego area.
Requirements:
Knowledge of the fact the Kyle Blanks is a baseball player
Maintain accurate records (leads and sales)
Book daily required appointments and engagements
Must be able to accurately recite Kyle Blanks’ statistics as a baseball player
Make minimum 50 calls per day
Ability to work well with Kyle Blanks
- Must be able to work days, evenings and weekend games
- 20+ hours per week (may fluctuate depending on demand and seasons)
- Valid CA Drivers Licence and access to a car
- Applicant should be baseball minded, have promotions and/or retail experience plus be great with the public
Knowledge Skills and other Abilities:
- Prior experience in the Kyle Blanks industry is a plus
- Ability to build relationships with people you don’t know
- Ability to build relationships with people who don’t know Kyle Blanks
- Ability to multi-task and learn quickly
- Excellent time management and organizational skills
- Effective communication skills (in person & by phone)
- Motivated, outgoing, enthusiastic and customer service oriented
- Willingness to learn and adapt to the fast-paced culture of Kyle Blanks
Duties include but not limited to:
*Call reporters alerting them of Kyle Blanks
*Secure local and national sponsorship deals for Kyle Blanks
*Passing out Kyle Blanks baseball cards to the general public
*Convincing children that Kyle Blanks is their favorite baseball player
*Getting “KYLE BLANKS IS #1!” tattoo on forehead (negotiable)
*Update and maintain the kyleblanksforhalloffame.com web site
*Use social media to promote the general idea and existence of Kyle Blanks
*Get Kyle Blanks more playing time
*Other duties as assigned
Compensation: Hourly + commission + bonus
Opportunity for advancement
Weekend Bat-Flip Coverage: Josh Donaldson on a Popup
This is usually Carson Cistulli’s beat, but since he is certainly spending his weekend like he always does — in an opium-fueled haze — I am updating the fair NotGraphs readers with some bat-flip coverage from last night. Behold Josh Donaldson, on a popup.
This bat-flip might have been Donaldson’s saving grace, however, since its majesty certainly distracted the Royals infield enough to perform in the following way:
This has been Weekend Bat-Flip Coverage.
A GIF and a Tune: Matt Harvey Celebrates America
Matt Harvey wants to wish you a happy birthday, America. And he kicked off the festivities a little early with his own fireworks show — mainly, his fascism-fighting fastball.
Watch:
Listen:
Thought Experiment: Air Bud, with Derek Jeter Instead of a Dog
The Barktown Barons were looking at yet another losing season.
Speedy! You’re going the wrong way!
Great Moments in Pulling the Ball: Yasiel Puig
I’m not an athlete. Curling is my sport of choice. But there are times when one is curling that they feel they can do no wrong. Every shot is the perfect weight, you hit the broom every time, you are in the sweet spot of speed and pressure when you’re sweeping, etc.
Real athletes talk about these moments, too. They usually call it being “locked in” or “in the zone.” In these times, they can seemingly do whatever they wish within their game. They are masters of their destinies. Their limitations come only from their imaginations. For these fleeting times, they control their universe.
Yasiel Puigi Puig is* still controlling his universe. Here’s to him never stopping.
*Ed Note: while the very handsome editor appreciates David Temple’s attempt to suggest that Yasiel Puig could only be Italian, fact must triumph fiction in this particular case.
FanGraphs Trades Eno Sarris to Baseball Prospectus
INTERNET, USA — In a move that would be considered shocking if anyone actually cared, baseball-nerd homepage Fangraphs has traded Eno Sarris to another site for baseball pencil pushers, Baseball Prospectus, for a 2014 first-round pick.
FanGraphs CEO and self-made millionaire David Appelman lauded Sarris as “being very good at whatever it is he does,” and added “we’ll be sorry to see him go, I’m sure.”
Sarris was unable to be reached for comment but did tweet “wut” soon after the news broke, which was immediately followed by a tweet ranking a beer no one has ever heard of. Sources indicate that Jeff Sullivan was originally in the mix for a trade, but Sullivan indicated he would exercise his 5000-posts rights, given to writers who have logged 5,000 posts on a site.
Baseball Prospectus editor-in-chief Ben Lindbergh plans to use Sarris and his BBWAA card to ramp up coverage of awkward interviews in locker rooms all over the bay area of California. “It’s an obvious missing piece from our site,” said Lindbergh on a conference call with reporters. “I mean, he’ll do fantasy stuff too,” he added. “But I’m really excited to land that coveted interview about comic books with Pat Neshek.”
Signs are not yet clear as to how FanGraphs will use their 2014 first-round pick, as those things don’t actually exist for baseball writers, but insiders suspect Appelman will try to package it with Dayn Perry’s contract in a move to acquire additional server space.
Buy This: Just Kidding, it’s a Waste of Money
Remember when you were a little kid and a hundred dollars was the biggest amount of money you could think of? Imagine if — for your birthday, say — your grandpa or weird uncle offered you a check for $100 with your name on it, or a Joe Crede bobblehead. Which do you choose? Actually, you don’t need to imagine you’re a kid, because the answer is always the same. As Biggie once said, “Fuck bitches, get money.” I’m not calling Joe Crede a bitch, if that’s what you’re insinuating.
Burger King Stole Phil Garner’s Mustache
Burger King,
We used to be cool. We had a nice arrangement. I would give you a small amount of money in exchange for delicious meals prepared my way, so long as my way involved a preset number of vegetables and microwaved meat paste. You have that mascot that technically isn’t but totally is wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. You supplied joy and sustenance to people, and you only screwed up my orders like 14% of the time.
Scooter Gennett Will Ollie Around Your Tag
Scooter Gennett, a young man of 23, found himself in a bad situation. When one finds himself between a proverbial rock and hard place, one tends to rely in his instincts. In the above case, Gennett’s instincts told him to throw down a sick skateboarding move. Had he an actual deck under his feet, there is no doubt in the current author’s mind that Gennett would have kick-flipped the shit out of Carlos Corporan’s face.
Alas, Gennett was boardless, causing him to not only get tagged out, but to cost his team a possible run in a the tightest of games.