It came to my attention this morning that Internet web site and the O.G. Google, Yahoo!, is selling off some of its domains. As I buy and sell domains like my portfolio depended on it (it does), this grabbed my interest. As a professional domain broker, I’ve come to quickly analyze the potential worth of domains. While some are certainly more valuable than others (if you think I’m spilling the beans on this, you have brain damage), one confused me: Batoota.com. I did some very quick and even dirtier Googling of the Internet to find out just what Batoota meant. It seems to hold little meaning in actual language, used mostly as a name in countries where brown people live. But this spoke to me. Batoota. Batooooooota. It has a ring to it.

So I turn to you, fair NotGraphs readers. Let’s come up with some sort of stat or acronym or something that makes this domain useful. Let’s create another term that confuses people and sets the statistical movement back a few years. Most importantly, let’s make me some money.

MINNEAPOLIS — In a turn of events that residents are calling sad and uninspired, a local writer of baseball “comedy” poorly Photoshopped an image of a pizza onto an image of Tampa Bay’s Tropicana Field, in a failed attempt at producing humor.

“I don’t get it,” one neighbor said. “I mean, I guess if there is funny text to go along with it, then maybe. But this on its own isn’t funny.”

“It sounds to me like he’s flat out of ideas,” a woman claiming to be the writer’s wife said. “This happens every so often. He just finds it hard to be creative. I mean, he isn’t really creative anyway, but you know what I mean. Whatever, it’s not like anyone reads that site.”

Preliminary reports indicate that the writer had high hopes for the image, and perhaps planned on writing a faux news story about it. But once the story was started, the writer quickly realized the piece had no merit. Yet, without any other real ideas to contribute, he knew he was stuck with the image. Witnesses say he proceeded to delete the entirety of the accompanying text, replacing it with yet another faux news story about the actual act of Photoshopping the picture. At least one witness claims that that text is what readers are reading at this moment.

Police are also following up on eyewitness accounts claiming that the writer has no idea how to end the article in a funny or amusing way.

**NOTICE TO ALL MLB PLAYERS**

Effective immediately, MLB will be expanding the list of banned substances, per the Joint Drug Agreement. Testing positive for any of the following substances will result in an immediate 50-game suspension. In the interest of transparency, we are including the “street names” of these substances, so that you may comply in a quick and easy fashion, and without confusion. If you have any questions about these substances, such as their chemical makeup, feel free to contact your agents, your MLBPA union representatives, your doctors, or a combination thereof. This is not a complete list, only new additions. A detailed and thorough list can be obtained from the League office, or your MLBPA rep.

NEW BANNED SUBSTANCES FOR 2014:

• Fling
• Spit
• Cheese
• Knuckle
• Goober
• Swamp Foot
• Bela Fleckstacy
• Control Alt Defeat
• Brown Skittle
• South by South Pacific
• Jesse Camp
• Midnight Train to Georgia (the Country)
• Grease 2
• Parker Full of Posey
• Creamed Corn Row
• Ram Jam
• Ronny James Dios Mio
• Fart Barrel
• Hose Face
• Knight to E6
• Friendster
• Popamatic Bubble
• Ian Ziering
• Hitler’s Pyramid
• Bubb Rubb
• Black Lung
• Black Bung
• William Hung

In my corner of America’s Middle-West, the leaves are falling with great frequency. There is also snow on the ground. If anyone needed a reminder of the demise of Summer, one need not look farther than my sprawling plot of God’s country. Certainly, the absence of Major League Baseball serves as another chilling reminder that — as I read in a book once — Winter is Coming. According to the Gregorian calendar, it is already here.

The popular Internet website “YouTube”, a video hosting and streaming service, is powered by a vast and powerful network of silicon and electricity. While it is possible for these machines to know a certain date numerically, the feel of a date is unknowable to these robots. How does one explain a gentle snowfall in bleeps and bloops? One cannot. Because of this fact, however, popular Internet website YouTube doesn’t know it isn’t baseball season. Therefore, it offers the embedded video without prejudice. And for that, we can be thankful. Hang tight, fair NotGraphs readers. We’ll get through this together. Unless I — or one of you — die. Then we most likely have bigger problems.

(h/t to ESPN’s Mark Simmon for the link.)

NEW YORK –Days after initial reports surfaced regarding Boston Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli roaming the streets of Boston without a shirt, new findings indicate that Napoli is still on the loose.

The above image from Twitter user @FrankTheKoala_ posted on November 2nd shows Napoli on the streets of Boston, presumably celebrating the recent World Series victory by the Red Sox.

However, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has uncovered grainy footage that shows Napoli has made his way to New York City. He has appeared to have befriended an African American man, and has participated in exercise activities with that man.

Stay tuned to NotGraphs as we continue to provide updates on this story.

Just a friendly reminder that everything ends, and that you and everyone you’ve ever loved or will love will, someday, be gone. Baseball is no exception. But do not fret, fair NotGraphs readers. Take this time to do all the things you neglected whilst adhered to your couch. Hug your family. Volunteer. Start that patchwork quilt you bought all the stuff for. Watch football, for all I care. Just do something. Do not mourn the season. Cherish the times you had with it, but do not be melancholy. It will be back. You may not be, but it will be. Find solace in that. The winter is yours for the taking. So take it. Carpe Off Season.

Now THAT’S what I call obstruction!

This has been Baseball Players Twerking.

Some may say that the ball that fell between Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina in last night’s game was a mishap, a gaff, a whoopsydaisy. However, that’s only if you look at in the way time and gravity intended. If you shift your perspective by turning upside down or walking backwards or something — I’m not quite sure how the science works yet — then you’ll see that said play was revelatory, beautiful even. In this way, the ball is not falling to the ground to the disappointment of those surrounding it. It is being pulled to the heavens, having found the favor of the Lord. As the final stanza of the accompanying music implies:

Rise again, yea, thou wilt rise again,
My heart, in the twinkling of an eye!
What thou hast fought for
Shall lead thee to God!

Watch with intent while listening to a selection from the final movement of Gustav Mahler’s Symphony No. 2 “The Resurrection.”

Watch:

Listen:

(original GIF via @CorkGaines)

People are doing whatever they can to preserve the Astrodome. But a simple exhibition hall is too menial a destiny for such an iconic building. We can do better. And with your generous donations, we WILL do better. Crack open those wallets, nerds. Let’s make this happen.