Author Archive

Mustache-Spectacles Combo: Craig McMurtry

Craig McMurtry, thief of hearts!

He’s a good egg, McMurtry. If he drives a white, windowless van, then it’s for purposes of infiltrating the ranks of other drivers of white, windowless vans and then taking back the streets from same. The stylish zippered warm-up conceals a mighty heart.

The mustache forms a “C.” The lenses of his eyewear form two “O”s. “Coo” is the call of a pigeon. “COO” stands for “country of origin” and “Chief Operating Officer.” CoO is the chemical symbol for Cobalt Oxide. It is also the code for a West African airport, the safety record of which would likely horrify coddled first-worlders with hearts less mighty than the muscled organ that beats within Craig McMurtry’s chest and locked, bony cage.

Motel to airships, chemical compound poisonous to weaklings, executive with muted passions, the place you are from, a street bird’s despairing bray — Craig McMurty is all of these things. Without glasses and mustache, Craig McMurtry would be none of these things. Without Craig McMurtry, the glasses and mustache would be none of these things. QED.

The formula is a formula because it is etched upon the walls of a cave beneath a riverbed that is no more. No one fishes that river because the river has dried up.

Craig McMurtry doesn’t watch them not fish that river that dried up.


Poem to Ted Simmons’s Hair

I’m telling you, Simmons, those days!
Those days when we finally began turning away …

Your tresses plunged like the
Bellwether economic indicators of the day.
Like the necklines of those
Who tottered for your notice.

We shan’t survive these times, said wartime leaders!
We shan’t survive Ted Simmons
and his unmade-bed hair!
Sacco him before he Vanzetties us!

You, you catcher and framer, hitter and blocker!
Michigan man! Prince of quick wrists!
Needler of Herzogs! Merchant of dinnertime perils!
Tilter at windmills!
Tilter of pinball machines!
Holy bewitcher!

We were something, you and I! But mostly you …
We’d have made your hair the president if we could’ve.
But if elected it will not serve.
Which is the thing about things
Sourced from the womb of a Cumulonimbus.

That hair flows like beaded doorways granting wide berth to tall men!
It flows like riverine sperm heaven-bent on impregnating the 1950s!

As reliably as liquor drunkens,
So too do you!

O, feral wilding!
O, Simba!


Found: Shirtless, Pantless Dock Ellis Paper Doll

As students of history and Uncle History himself are well aware, Hall of Famer Nathan Hale (class of 2002) long insisted that paper dolls have nipples. Now, for the first time since Antiquity, when Hale was CEO of Activision and King of All He Surveyed, a paper doll has nipples. Notable for our purposes, the paper doll is of Dock Ellis, who, besides playing baseball, drank deeply of the good and worthy …

In equally uplifting news, you may purchase this at Etsy, where durable goods are made into art and then sold over the Bald Eagle Computers of this fair land.

(HT: Me, for finding this)


B-Ref Search Yields Encouraging Results

A search at lucky-best Baseball-Reference turns up this meadow of delights …

I have hopes on this day. Chief among them is that “Abner Deatherage” (the lilac hue of his Information Hot Link betrays my curiosity) is not, as the lamewad rationalist within suspects, pronounced “Abner DEATH-ur-ehj.” Instead, the Walter Mitty star-gazer part of me — which I keep buried in my tattered and smelly idiot’s shoe (I own but a single shoe) — hopes that this fine man’s name is pronounced “ABNER DEATH-RAGE” — every syllable accented because every syllable will wreck that shit.

It simply must be.

It simply must be.


Obituary for a Fake Ballplayer

Beloved ballplayer Billy Clarke has died.

Clarke passed earlier this week from an all-consuming malaise. In spite of his slow, almost mocking descent into non-existence, the very end was said to be a shock to those near to him. This raises the possibility that Mr. Clarke was actually killed in an auto-crash pyre, or perhaps murdered by a desperate criminal. Upon reflection, the cause of his death scarcely matters.

His young son, now fatherless and forever arrested in so many ways, thought, upon seeing the body of his father, that he looked at once as though he were asleep but also hopelessly beyond the reach of anything like sleep. Years later, while drinking alone in the dark, he will utter to no one, least of all himself, “There was nothing peaceful about my father’s body.”

Mr. Clarke leaves behind a wife. She is comely enough to remarry, but she will be reduced to a mate she never would’ve considered in an earlier, childless state. Mr. Clarke also leaves behind a daughter. You can imagine how things will go for her.

It should be noted that, despite a practiced image to the contrary, Mr. Clarke was not a religious man. If his booming pastor is right about that which he booms on Sundays, then Mr. Clarke is not now at rest and never shall be. Or it’s possible that, at the moment of Mr. Clarke’s passing from relentless disease or something less permissive of absurd, at-marathon-length goodbyes as terminal as his final slaughter, the lights simply went out. Others will remember him until they have to go to the store, but Mr. Clarke? Given his current station, Mr. Clarke might as well have been a stone for all these dumb years.

In his playing days, Mr. Clarke brought illusions of joy to a narrowly defined segment of those who watched him. Some of those are long-dead central bankers or union machinists. One of those died weeping so ferociously that he continued weeping for several seconds after his physical death, which was owing to cancer or falling ice.

Mr. Clarke enjoyed nothing that didn’t distract him from other things he failed to enjoy. His favorite hobby was staring vacantly at something he needed to take care of at some point. He was more respected than respectable.

The cold avenues of his city are astream with mourners. Or perhaps they are people going to work or lunch. A local funeral home — an ugly, low-slung building surely not up to code — will be the staging point for whatever it is we’re going to do next. His awful pastor will say things with a strange degree of curricular regimentation. On pain of ridicule, some will believe him. Outside, the red lights of those cold avenues will be turned to a salmon color by the fog and mist. Or perhaps it will be sunny, being that this is not a movie.

Mr. Billy Clarke played baseball. He is now dead. He leaves behind remnant urges and other people who themselves will die soon enough.


Rapper-Hop Music about Baseball

Over at CBSSports.com’s Eye on Baseball blog, which, I have it on good authority, is a great place for baseball fans to gather and click repeatedly on all that they survey, you’ll find this …

Look, empowered urban youth, what with their ghettoblasters and James Worthy New Balance basketball sneakers and break-dancing battles and disregard for old-line immigrant merchants and their simple quest for peace and quiet, frighten me as much as the next guy who hates it when things like the water bill and his yard and society change. But, truth be told, I’m impressed by the punks who made this song. If nothing else, it kept them off the street for a while instead of spray-painting graffiti on the side of the pharmacy where I buy my overpriced sugar pills.

In the end, though, we’re united by the fact that our onslaught is indeed Don Slaught.

(Update: It comes to the attention of the dumb-assed writer that the lovely and talented Ms. Burton has already made use of this fetching hymn. Please know that we here at NotGraphs Concern are always working to eliminate supply-chain redundancies.)


The Timeless Wisdom of Jose Mota

I scarcely need to remind you of this unfading chestnut — one applicable not only to baseball but also to a gentleman’s efforts in office-gym-bedroom — but it’s something else entirely for Jose Mota, he of august counsel and lapels laid flat like a willing czarina, to deliver it to us:

And since Sales Professionals Who Hit Their Numbers prefer wisdom in the medium of inspiring office posters …

(HT: My man)


Manny Acta Would Prefer That You Not Do That

That thing that you’re doing? Right now in presumed secret? Indians manager Manny Acta senses that you’re doing that very thing, and, if truth be told, he would like you to stop it right now …

It’s fine. Manny Acta did things like that at your age, too (albeit without such an “artisan’s attention to craft” about the whole thing). But just don’t do that again. At least not when Manny Acta is trying to have an adult conversation.

Actually, the more Manny Acta thinks about it, the more he believes that you should be utterly ashamed of yourself. What the hell, kid? In front of everyone …


Pondering “Inside Heat” by Roz Lee

A book I have not read but shall at my earliest convenience …

A belt? I thought I told you not to wear anything complicated, you prepossessing jade!

Read the rest of this entry »


Bert Blyleven Surrounded by Burt Reynolds

Often, the sub-genre “Men Surrounded by Things” involves images of men surrounded by things. On this fine day, though, “Men Surrounded by Things” brings us a man surrounded by another man and his puissant essence. Bear whetted witness:

Now go and ponder love and those who make it.