“Instant collector’s item” is only one of many phrases that describes this autographed Tom Milone hat.

Hey gang, just wanted to let everyone know that the autographed and game-worn Tom Milone hat I’ve been talking a lot about lately — the one he wore during the Syracuse Chiefs’ game against the Buffalo Bisons on August 8, 2011 — is still available via auction for just 10 dollars.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, so I’ll say now that the hat is from Latino Baseball Night and is green, yellow, and red. Also, not to belabor the point, but “game-worn” means Tom Milone wore this specific hat in a game. Like, the Tom Milone.

The description also says that Milone signed the hat “following” the game. For me, I imagine Milone walking back to the Syracuse clubhouse. Like, the game has just ended and he’s gonna take a shower or whatever. And then the Chiefs’ manager of promotions is like, “Hey Tom, could I get you to sign the hat for the charitable auction?” And then Tom Milone takes off the hat he was just wearing and signs it with his own name.

Imagining that gets me excited about possibly owning this hat — something that I, or anyone, could currently do for 10 unbelievable dollars.

When baseball analysts look at Juan Francisco, they see a player who “doesn’t play defense that well” and “has little understanding of the strike zone — a.k.a. a really important thing.”

When the aesthete looks at Juan Francisco, he (i.e. the aesthete) sees a Dominican David, slaying the Goliath known as Mortality.

Or, at least that’s what he probably sees. It might also just be something on his glasses.

Canadian Handshake to my friend Matt Klaassen who alerted me to this Situation, and David Brown for bringing it to Society’s attention.

For all of her many virtues, Hannah Ehrlich — of River Ave Blues and the Twitters, respectively — occasionally forces innocent bystanders to think the dark thoughts. Nor is there a more representative case of her doing so than in the tweet you see embedded above, in which Ehrlich asks us to imagine what Nick Swisher would do with magic powers, had he access to them.

After a brief period of “vomiting” — followed by a longer period of “talking to my therapist” — I’ve finally come to terms with the mental pictures Ehrlich’s question generated. Now it’s my intention to thrust those same horrible mental pictures into the bespectacled reader’s mind, as well, via this entirely original, single-question quiz.

Hope you don’t fail!

Long before he mastered the finer points of agriculture — and, if these history books are correct, even a couple of years before he discovered fire — man had considered deeply, and with great depth, the art of spitting.

Because it comes out of your mouth, is kinda gross, and you can do it onto your bros, spitting is fun. But don’t take my word for it — take Yankee catcher Russ Martin’s.

Held out of Sunday’s game in Anaheim due to a thumb injury, Martin used some of his free time to expectorate. Above, we see Martin practicing a classic, single-stream situation. Below, the Yankee experiments with what I believe would be called a “pulse” technique.

When asked about his skill, Martin replied by saying that he does birthdays and wedding — but mostly weddings, if you know what he means.

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The Burj Al Arab in Dubai: where every member of Family Violence was conceived.

The following aren’t necessarily real bands, but they are real phrases taken from this morning’s real-live baseballing headlines.

Family Violence
A tongue-in-cheek Garage Rock Revival quintet with members from Oxford, England; Tokyo Prefecture; and effing space. Their haircuts cost either nothing or $1000, but you can’t tell.

Red-Hot McCarthy
All Punkabilly, all the time. (Thanks a lot, Denver.)

Nyjer Morgan
Is actually just Kool Keith. (Did not everyone know that?)

Lackey’s Stuff
Sort of like Chris Isaak, if Chris Isaak were five mostly overweight quality management specialists from Chelmsford, MA.

Cryptic Swisher
A horrifying Christian-/Anarchopunk group from Paramus, NJ. They have, and will again, try to have sex with your mother.

Sí, soy familiar con la tercera base.

News from the internet today reveals that curiously utilized Giant rookie Brandon Belt will play in the Dominican League this fall (or winter or whenever it happens).

To make Belt’s transition to life in a Spanish-speaking nation more comfortable, here are some Spanish phrases from which he’ll derive no little benefit.

[To his coach] ¿Qué veterano del envejecimiento sostendré?
Which aging veteran will I back up?

[To a lady] Permita que ayude con su protector de pecho.
Allow me to assist with your chest protector.

[To clear up confusion] No soy una jirafa real.
I am not an actual giraffe.

[To a lady] Permita que demuestre la posición lista.
Allow me to demonstrate the ready position.

[To a lady] No, gracias. No cuido para tocar con la punta del pie la goma.
No, thank you. I don’t care to toe the rubber.

As part of our ongoing effort to aggregate all animal- and baseball-related hilarity in one central internet location, NotGraphs presents the abovely embedded video — a video, specifically, in which Cleveland reliever Chris Perez hunts, but fails to kill, a squirrel.

Owing to the lack of urgency in Perez’s gait, one can safely assume that, so far as Perez’s Oregon Trail-related skills are concerned, he skews much more strongly to the Banker from Boston side of things — as opposed to, say, a Farmer from Illinois.

“But he’s not trying to kill the squirrel, you a-hole,” the reader is possibly saying at this moment. “He’s only trying to capture it.”

To which charge I reply: “For one, there’s no Animal Rights Activist from Anna Maria Island in any extant edition of Oregon Trail. And, for two, if what you’re suggesting is true — i.e. that Oregon Trail is not a comprehensive and totally factual guidebook for masculinity in the 21st century — then where is this Indian guide leading me, and why I have just given him my pants?”

Video courtesy Guyism, via Outside the Box Score.

Last night, in the second inning of the Giants-Padres game, San Franciscan Brett Pill hit his first major-league home run in what was — if you can frigging believe it, reader — his first major-league plate appearance.

There was a lot of what you might call joie de vivre, esprit de corps, and other useful French expressions unfolding up and down the length of the Giant dugout in the aftermath of little Brett Pill’s accomplishment.

Perhaps no one felt this joy so acutely, though, as Giant first baseman-cum-elder statesman Aubrey Huff, who, if appearances are to be believed, is, in fact, the birth father of the young Pill.

While there is no conclusive information as of yet regarding Huff’s paternity, the reader should know that our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has recently acquired a DNA sample from Huff in what is frequently referred to as “the hard way.”

Stephen Strasburg is scheduled to make his season debut tonight in Washington, DC, but it’s possible that inclement weather will postpone the game and, subsequently, Strasburg’s first appearance of the year.

Using “instruments” and “data,” the National Weather Service has forecasted things like “flash floods” and “a 100% chance of precipitation” for DC tonight.

That’s one perspective, sure. What does the Wisdom of the Crowds — i.e. the One True Authority — tell us, though? The NotGraphs Department of Matters Entirely Scientific is apparently the only institution forward-thinking enough to facilitate such an endeavor.

Which, you’re welcome, Whole World:

Best of Other (updated at discretion of author):
• A vale of tears.
• Meteorology is a fraud perpetrated upon us, the same as alchemy and phrenology.
• Raining men. Hallelujah!
• Probably what the frigging National Weather Service said, you sultry thing.

What Billy Butler will look like when you see him on September 5th, 2011.

If ever, for the rest of your life, you go to the Royals-A’s game on September 5th, 2011, your experience will assuredly unfold exactly like this:

1. You’ll wake up, entirely healthy, in a small bed in Berkeley, California.

2. You’ll have an apple turnover and Americano at Berkeley’s Caffe Strada. Regarding the turnover, you’ll think, “I wonder how much longer I can eat these for breakfast without consequence?” The answer, unbeknownst to you, is “Slightly over a year ago.”

3. In a brief phone conversation with your wife, she’ll inform you that a husband you both know has left a wife you both know for one of his undergraduate students. Regarding this information, your first and least attractive thought will be “That probably lowers the bar, in terms of my wife’s expectations of me.”

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