As part of our ongoing efforts to destroy that thing known as The American Work Day, NotGraphs presents this coverage of a thing that’s actually happening right now elsewhere on the internet.

Approximately 27 minutes ago, virile American Sam Miller casually introduced the following to an unexpecting public:

Jamie Moyer was alive during the Bush administration. BOTH of them. #LesserJamieMoyerFacts

— Sam Miller (@SamMillerBP) April 2, 2012

What followed could only be described as “a medium-sized to slightly-below-average-sized” tidal wave of other tweets also utilizing the #LesserJamieMoyerFacts hashtag.

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By a process known as embedding — which oughtn’t be confused with a different process for which the author has become famous around the home and office — I submit for the reader’s consideration video from last week of Chicago White Sox right-hander Jake Peavy discussing with equal parts enthusiasm and modesty a recent minor-league outing he made, which video reveals to anyone who cares to watch that Jake Peavy is remarkably pleasant.

“Apropos of what, precisely, are you doing this?” the reader might be asking. To which hypothetical question, I reply: “No pretense is necessary. Good behavior is always relevant.”

Did something kinda disgusting, actually — while you were probably sleeping — to a Shawn Kelley slidepiece.

To wit:

Phoenix, AZ — Before 2011, Adam Dunn had long been known as a three-true-outcome hitter. Unfortunately, last season, one of those outcomes occurred almost to the exclusion of the other two.

But Dunn believes he’s found a way to remedy the contact issues that sabotaged his 2011 campaign.

By hitting off a tee.

“It’s way easier,” explained a noticeably unburdened Dunn. “You just go out there, set up the tee, put a ball on top, and go. The base of the tee is even shaped like home plate, which is a real convenience.”

Dunn practices his new technique at the White Sox spring-training home.

The left-handed slugger has some idea as to why his strikeout rates have been so high in past years. “It’s pitchers, mostly. What I’ve noticed is, is they’ll impart different spins to the ball or change speeds — that sort of thing. As a result, it’s hard to know where and when exactly to swing the bat.”

Dunn is optimistic that the batting tee will help considerably. “I think, with this new arrangement, you’re going to see my strikeout numbers drop a lot. I don’t want to put a precise number on it — that just creates expectations and pressure — but I’d be real surprised if I didn’t at least half my Ks this year.”

The reader might be inclined to argue with the premise of this post — namely, that the gentleman pictured above (from this compilation of Louis CK clips of the early 90s) is Lenny Dykstra. Before doing so, however, he (the reader) would be well advised to consider that the consequences for being wrong in this matter are almost non-extant, while the spasm of joy produced by believing that said individual is Lenny Dykstra is pretty decent so far as joy spasms go (although decidedly less substantial than other joy spasms, which will go unnamed and nameless).

Furthermore, we must consider the ancillary value present here: that the gentleman pictured — even if he be a Pseudo Dykstra — has created a pretense for the rendering of the phrase joy spasm into electronic print. As if this weren’t already the best of all possible worlds!

The Brewers are placing a statue of maybe-literally-immortal Brewers broadcaster Bob Uecker outside of Miller Park this summer — nor, if the following tweet from Tom Haudricourt of the Journal Sentinel is any indication, does it appear as though Uecker is bashful about what crowds will see.

Uecker on his pose for the statue: “It’s kind of a Schwarzeneger-type thing. Beefcake, speedo, pretty buffed. It’s really enhanced.”

— Tom (@Haudricourt) March 21, 2012

The grainy image embedded here (the sort of image that one could, if one were so inclined, embiggen merely by clicking) is intended to indicate not only that (a) the author is a lifelong subscriber to The Good Life, but also that (b) MLB.TV now appears to be live on PlayStation 3 — which, by the Transitive Property of Home Electronics, suggests that it’s now available on other connected devices (Apple TV, Roku, Xbox 360), as well.

The audio options appear to be functional, too: I listened to part of Tuesday’s Red Sox game with the audio feed from Red Sox Television, and then switched over later to Red Sox Radio.

Daniel Bard was sitting at the breakfast table, considering his spring-training performance with some anxiety.

“More walks than strikeouts?” he said to no one — as no one was there. “How is that even possible? I’m Daniel Bard. I’m noted for possessing what scouts and demi-scouts refer to as ‘easy velocity.’ I’m open-minded as regards the application of quantitaive analysis to baseball. Werner Herzog once used footage of my two-seam fastball as a metaphor for the destructive forces extant in nature, I think he said it was. I was recently featured as a centerfold in the New England Journal of Medicine, which I’m pretty sure is a unique honor. Many of Aesop’s fables are taken directly from my life — obliquely, if not explicitly. Though I was previously unfamiliar with the word, I intuited the definition of necromancy given its roots from the Ancient Greek nekrós (meaning ‘dead body’) and manteía (‘prophecy’ or ‘divination’). Recently, as a challenge to myself, I conducted a conversation with trainer Rick Jameyson entirely in iambic pentameter without him noticing…”

He continued in this manner for some time. When he stopped, he found that he was no longer at the breakfast table, but rather sitting in front of his locker… having already pitched four innings in that day’s game!

It’s at this point that the reader will ask, “Were they successful innings?” Ha! That’s a good one, guy! As if success were a real entity!

Onions, indeed.

As we enter the 2012 season, many broadcasters will undoubtedly be looking — like the players whose actions they’ll be narrating — will be looking to bring their A game, give 110%, and leave it all out on the field (or, in the press box, as the case may be).

It goes without saying that the most expedient means by which a broadcaster might scale the heights of his profession is to author a truly memorable home-run call.

To that end, NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Really Think Tank has produced the following — a list of 15 home-run calls that have never been used on any known broadcast. For reasons that are too obvious to explain, the calls here are divided into two categories — metaphorical and ejaculatory — and are freely available to America’s Broadcasters.

To wit:

Metaphorical
These are calls that depend on an allusion to a text or event.

• Much as Zeus, disguised as a giant swan, had his way with Leda, so does [batter’s name] have his way with that [pitch type or “(count) pitch”] from [pitcher’s name]!

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-v @a AQ Awa-AAaaAojKkk

— Larry Stone (@StoneLarry) March 18, 2012

To the relaxed and reposed Internetting Gentleman, the Seattle Times‘ Larry Stone’s most recent submission to the public might appear to be nothing more than the product of a Gammons-esque pocket tweet.

Upon further research, however, it appears as though Stone’s tweet is not, in fact, mere nonsense, but actually a popular Klingon expression that, roughly translated, means “Is it not that my many, large, scattered muscles are quite capable of swelling for the benefit of the hearts of many scattered little women?”

To which pressing question the masses answer: “MajQa’! nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa”e’!”