Detail from Francesco Traini’s Triumph of Death, an inspiration for Totentanz.

While there are surely a number of factors to consider when assessing the degree to which a musical work might serve as an effective closer entrance song, the most important of these (i.e. these factors) is surely the degree to which the music in question gives an opposing team’s batters the sense that some manner of gross physical discomfort is about to be visited upon their respective persons.

It has recently come to the attention of this author that the opening minute-plus of composer Franz Liszt’s Totentanz — or, in English, Dance of the Dead — ably fulfills this most important of criteria.*

Note: the author is aware that Liszt’s piece is not technically a “song.” I’m merely using the term colloquially.

Liszt, who himself was known to visit hospitals and asylums as a recreational activity, never formally described the piece as “the soundtrack to an impromptu and forcible colorectal exam performed by the Devil himself” — although one assumes, while listening to the work, that this was his intention.

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Since the beginning of time, man has desired to read syllogisms concerning Cuban outfielder Yoenis Cespedes. As for woman, she hasn’t desired it for nearly as long — but at least since the 80s, probably.

Today, for the first time, both genders find themselves entirely satisfied, as NotGraphs presents, apropos of nothing…

Three Syllogisms Concerning Yoenis Cespedes

Syllogism No. 1

Yoenis Cespedes eats hanging sliders for breakfast.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hanging sliders are the most important meal of the day for Yoenis Cespedes.

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Dayn Perry and I are recording his meaningless weekly podcast appearance at 8pm ET tonight (Tuesday).

Feel free to submit questions or comments or notices of paternity in the comment section below.

Also, if you care for the show, and have some interest in seeing it one day surpass the Orvis Fly Fishing podcast in the iTunes rankings, consider leaving a comment at iTunes (link), as the algorithm for said rankings appears to weight the volume of comments received rather heavily.

Today’s edition of The Found Poems comes from WTMJ’s April 20th broadcast of Colorado at Milwaukee. All words courtesy Mr. Bob Uecker.

Robin Yount

Great Brewers shortstop
and center fielder.
A Hall of Famer
who’s listening
to our broadcast tonight,
I know he is.
He and his little
transistor radio,
sitting in the driveway,
locked out again.

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Answer: Matt Holliday.

Credit: Fox Sports Midwest via Derrick Goold of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

It goes without saying, but should be written down as often as is reasonably possible, that the present author has no intention ever of attributing greatness either to the actions or actual person of Dayn Perry. This is a point in the defense of which I’d be willing to engage in an elaborate, choreographed knife fight.

However, I’ve also made it clear that no milk moves me so thoroughly as the milk of human kindness — and it was this sort of milk with which, thanks to reader and noted loin-girder Santos, the Team NotGraphs Inbox (email) was runnething over this morning.

With the image included here, Santos has contributed not only another installment in, but perhaps the very apotheosis of, Perry’s own series, Men Surrounded by Things.

In conclusion, the reader should not gaze up into the darkness and see himself as a creature driven and derided by vanity; and his eyes should not burn with anguish and anger.

ACT I

(The curtain rises to reveal TOM MILONE, left-handed pitcher for the Oakland A’s.)

TOM MILONE: My name is Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club. My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

ACT II

(The office of a GREAT PLAYWRIGHT. TOM MILONE enters.)

TOM MILONE: Sir, my name is Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club. My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

GREAT PLAYWRIGHT: A great play? I’m not aware that such a thing exists anymore.

TOM MILONE: But I thought you were a great playwright?

GREAT PLAYWRIGHT: I’m a fictional character!

ACT III

(CARSON CISTULLI’s dream from last night. TOM MILONE appears suddenly.)

TOM MILONE: Carson Cistulli? Hello. I’m Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club.

CARSON CISTULLI: Of course.

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The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has uncovered years-old footage this evening of major-league relief pitcher Fernando Rodney playing baseball for the first time ever in his life.

The reader might mistakenly suppose that, because Fernando Rodney looks like a grown man in this video and because he’s wearing a Tampa Bay Rays jersey (i.e. the team for which he currently plays) and because said footage is very clearly taken from the Rays television network and because it also includes Carlos Pena, a current teammate of Rodney’s — for all these reasons, a reader might mistakenly suppose that this years-old footage is not, in fact, years old, but actually from, say, a half hour ago.

While, yes, circumstantial evidence certainly appears to suggest that this footage is from this very evening, all such evidence is rendered moot when one considers that even a person who had only played baseball in his wistful, Latin American daydreams would likely field a ball with greater aplomb than Rodney here. Then one is forced to conclude that this is, indeed, years-old footage of Fernando Rodney playing baseball for the first time.

Source: something called GIFULMINATION via Timothy Burke.

Yesterday, the readership was asked to use their hearts and brains and computers to address the moral quandary of DRaysBay editor and RotoGraphs contributor and bearded gentleman Erik Hahmann. Specifically, said readership responded to this query: would he (Hahmann) — as someone who actively supports the Tampa Bay Rays — would be a bad fan were he to buy some form of Blue Jays team apparel?

After 24 hours of polling, it appears as though the bespectacled readership has answered, loudly and decisively, “Meh, whatever.”

Regard the startling, entabled results after the jump!

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One frequently encounters, while consuming works of narrative fiction — novels, films, political campaigns — one encounters something called “character development.” This is the process by which a character in a work is introduced to the audience.

While it’s not unusual to find a character ascribed certain traits overtly (i.e. “Ted is an asshole”), it’s more often the case that a character is ascribed those traits implicitly (i.e. “Ted spoke, at some length, about the differences between a souffle and fondant”). The audience is left to draw their own conclusions in this case — although the dots are there to be connected.

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