Last week, ESPN columnist Rick Reilly wrote a piece for that site in which he appears to have suggested — if not explicitly, than at least by means of implication — that Baltimore first baseman Chris Davis’s recent feats of strength haven’t been achieved by the fairest of play.

Regarding Reilly’s rhetorical liberties, the present author has little to say — first of all, because that’s not his (i.e. the author’s) literary bailiwick, really, and, second of all, because “colleague” Michael Bates (if one could call him that without chortling) possesses considerably greater reserves of outrage.

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In the absence of video evidence like that above, the reader might find some difficulty in articulating to another party the experience of young Cleveland right-hander Danny Salazar’s excellent changeup.

What follows are eight similes that might at least begin to approximate the experience of same.

1. It’s like a Bowflex that works your sense of majesty.

2. It’s like getting a shark bite on your nice pants.

3. It’s like freaking up against a sasquatch on purpose.

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The author, whose name roughly translated means something like Paragon of Fun, passed the greater part of his Sunday lakeside about an hour northwest of Madison, Wisconsin, and then a lesser — but still entirely satisfying — part of his Sunday bothering his wife as she made a dinner consisting largely of salmon and wine and kale and wine.

What the author hadn’t planned on, but has been compelled to do, anyway, was capturing and then embedding an animated GIF of Yasiel Puig flipping his bat. But what’s happened is, is the author has captured and now embedded here an animated GIF of Yasiel Puig flipping his bat — in the ninth inning, it turns out, of the Dodgers’ 4-1 victory over the San Franciscans (box)

Inspired by this post by Dayn Perry at CBS Sports’ Eye on Baseball — which features not only a partially colorized image of Boog Powell from 1961 but also minimal commentary and effort on Perry’s part — the author submits the present document, a post which features a hastily colorized image of Babe Ruth and perhaps even less commentary/effort on the present author’s part.

Despite the fact that we all, each of us, invariably spend our days and nights in pursuit of money and then whores and then more money, rumors abound that, on all of our respective deathbeds, neither money nor whores will be of any great concern. This information might come as a surprise to the reader, who is almost certainly reading this post whilst atop a pile of money and beside a comely whore. However, it’s true: in the throes of death, one is more likely to ask questions like, “Did I exhibit courage?” and “Did I treat my friends and family well?”

As the present author is shuffling off this mortal coil and making an examination of both his works and days, he will undoubtedly have many regrets — like that one time he vomited on his shirt in an Armenian taxi, for example, and also that other time he vomited on his shirt in an Armenian taxi. Anyone who suggests, however, that he didn’t make an effort to record every last one of Yasiel Puig’s televised bat flips, is a goddamn liar.

By way of proof, here’s footage from the seventh inning of Tuesday’s game between the Los Angeles Nationals and Colorado (box):

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“Hi, I’m Kyle Farnsworth. You probably know me as a longtime major-league reliever with the Cubs, Rays, Yankees, and other teams. Baseball is great, but my real passion is helping people plan for their future — financially, yes, but also spiritually, how to deal with aging, all of it. Regardless of what it is, having a plan is important.

“Let me give you an example from my own life. In 2003, when I was with the Cubs, I threw an inside fastball to Reds pitcher Paul Wilson, who was attempting to bunt. Wilson came out of the box and was barking at me, so I said something back. Then, Wilson dropped his bat and ran at me. Then I beat his goddamn ass.

“Paul Wilson’s problem was, he didn’t have a plan. He decided to throw down, but hadn’t considered anything further than that. And what happened? He got blown up by a weapon known as Kyle Farnsworth’s Impressive Biceps Especial.

“Now let’s look at it from the other side. Soon as Wilson starts running his mouth, I’m surveying the situation. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Terminator, is how I think of it. I analyze all the weak points in my possible opponent, try and assess his willingness to fight, and then beat his goddamn ass.

“I want to help you do in your life like what I did to Paul Wilson on a baseball field. I’m Kyle Farnwsorth, and this is Planning for Your Future, with Kyle Farnsworth.”

Read more Kyle Farnwsorth coverage from yesterday by Bradley Woodrum.

Because the present author’s brother-in-law is both a medical doctor of some local repute and also does things like “own a house” and “shower daily,” there are few occasions upon which he (i.e. that same author) is able to demonstrate competency in areas where that brother-in-law does not.

The capacity both to manufacture animated GIFs and also embed them, then, is perhaps one of the few skills the author has acquired which remain outside of his brother-in-law’s purview. Accordingly, when the brother-in-law in question — a Tigers fans, it should be noted — made a passing remark about Prince Fielder’s towering home run from Friday’s game at Tampa Bay, the author regarded it as an invitation to engage in the lamest brand of display behavior currently known to science.

So, for the benefit of Jason, here’s a GIF of Fielder’s home run from Friday that required almost no effort for your sister’s husband to make and embed:

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Sometimes a handsome editor of a certain important weblog is by his computer around the same time Dodgers rookie Yasiel Puig flips his bat dramatically and amusingly on a single against Philadelphia’s John Lannan. Other times, he (i.e. that same editor) is at his in-laws’ house in northern Michigan and has access to the internet only by means of a hotspot and is also asleep.

In any case, the footage presented above is of Yasiel Puig hitting a single and also flipping his bat from last night.

Click to embiggen, if you get what the author means.

As a Champion of the People, the author has participated in a number of community-service projects that have enriched lives and inspired the leaders of tomorrow. Not for nothing has he (i.e. that same author) been referred to, on more than one occasion, as a “goddamn Johnny Appleseed of human compassion.”

None of the author’s good works, however, has been so rewarding as the present one. Using a combination of wit and just his hands, he’s endeavored to produce the world’s first, or at least best, real-time stats leaderboard for Italian-American and regular Italian major-leaguers.

Click this hyperlink to experience the leaderboard.

Click this more different hyperlink to consult Wikipedia’s list of Italian-Americans in baseball, which the author mostly utilized in the composition of the leaderboard.

Utilize the comments section below to make note of other Italian-American or just regular Italian major-leaguers who ought to be added to the leaderboard.