Actually, it’s a pretty short list. But I’ll argue that Adam Dunn comparing himself to even one X-Man (singular?) merits some attention.

Discussing his return from an appendectomy, Dunn said the following to reporters:

One thing I definitely don’t want to do is miss Opening Day at home. I’m going home tonight and planning on playing tomorrow and we’ll go from there. If it’s really sore and if I’m feeling like this tomorrow, we might have some problems. I’m anticipating it getting better. I’m a quick healer, like Wolverine. I asked the doctor yesterday how long these things take and he gave me a general answer for the public. I’m subtracting 15 days off it. If I can tolerate [the pain], then I want to play. I don’t mind playing when I’m not 100 percent.

Technically, the emphasis is mine. In reality, the emphasis is everybody’s.

Stolen shamelessly from the Mighty Flynn. Image courtesy Houston Chronicle.

On the one hand, yes, it’s called Mustache Watch, which would seem to confine our interests merely to facial hair of the upper lip. On the other hand, NotGraphs has distinguished itself in the baseballing community for its generosity of spirit. In such cases where it’s possible to be inclusive without compromising our authority in matters whimsical, that’s the choice we’ll make.

The image above captures Official Closer™ Jordan Walden, sporting what we might characterize as a business beard — that is, one suitable for white-collar work, and which we might distinguish from the beards worn by Brian Wilson, for example, or teammate Sergio Romo. Those latter beards are much more resemble the sort you’d find on the face of a college student or, you know, 19th-century fur trapper.

Photo evidence (below) suggests that Walden might be in an experimental stage with his beard. More on this situation as it develops. Obviously.

Recently, over at Beyond the Boxscore, master Dave Gershman submitted (with skillfully embedded video) what he considered to be the top-10 baseball commercials of all time. While “all time” might signify an instance of waxing hyperbolic, the post is still recommended for anyone who likes (a) watching things and/or (b) avoiding other, more pressing responsibilities.

Constantly aware that there’s no gain in the absence of pain, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has endeavored to provide an addendum of sorts to Mr. Gershman’s list — namely, a collection of the five best baseball commercials never to’ve been made. The ideas, of course, are authentic; it’s just, for one reason or another, they proved unsuitable for America’s virgin eyes (and virgin other parts, presumably).

Here are those five commercial ideas, with the relevant synopses and reasons for never seeing the air.

Advertisement: “We I.D.” PSA with Craig Counsell
Synopsis: Counsell attempts to enter a Milwaukee-area bar with some Brewer teammates. While everyone else shows ID, Counsell realizes he’s forgotten his driver’s license. The bouncer, accordingly, refuses to let him in. Incredulous, Counsell walks away… and returns second later with a hastily made shiv, which he then uses to slowly and graphically eviscerate the aforementioned bouncer. When life’s last breath has left the victim’s mouth, the narrator says coldly, “This could have been avoided.”
Didn’t Run Because: Totally nauseating and scary.

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Important American Filmmaker (and occasional FanGraphs contributor, turns out) has turned his attention ever so briefly away from DIPS theory and towards the always wholesome field of advertising.

The product he’s promoting? Actually, it’s The Process Report 2011, discussed by our own Jackie Moore in these pages last week.

Little else to add from me — except that I’ve watched the video and have suffered no lesions or other ill effects as a direct result.

Mustache Watch continues today thanks to the suddenly helpful Jeff Sullivan of Lookout Landing (and also, it should be noted, of SBN’s Hot Corner, where yours truly has submitted some of what I’ll call trademark wisdom).

In this edition of the Watch we encounter a still of Henry Blanco from yesterday’s Diamondbacks-Cubs game. Blanco’s case is a curious one: as the attentive reader will note, his (i.e. Blanco’s) facial hair has forced his mouth into a perpetual scowl. I’ve never seen this personally, but a friend of mine had an uncle with a similar condition.

It goes without saying: the only known remedy is grotesque, inhumane.

Typographical error, or strangely incisive commentary? You decide!

Merci beaucoup, Jonah Keri.

On June 10th of last season, in the fifth inning of a Braves-Diamondbacks game, Martin Prado hit an infield single to third base. Teammate Melky Cabrera took third on the play. Famous umpire Joe West called time to allow then-Arizona coach A.J. Hinch to make a pitching change.

Then this happened:

Deep, prostrating bows to Peter Hjort of Capitol Avenue Club for drawing our attention to this almost forgotten event and Jeff Sullivan of Lookout Landing for his unparalleled .gif-ing skills.

It’ll be obvious enough to anyone who’s given more than a passing glance at these pages, but I’ll say it anyway in the interest of full disclosure: Team NotGraphs is not now — nor has it ever been — composed of what any kind of sober person would describe as “trained” “journalists.”

If our frequent homages to Umpire Joe West aren’t sufficient evidence of this, then the fact that we employ Dayn Perry ought to be.

Still, owing to the journalistic equivalent of that unassailable economic theory known as the “trickle-down effect,” certain conventions of newswriting reveal themselves: something called an inverted pyramid, something called a headline, something called a lede.

It’s the last of those devices that man-on-the-scene King Kaufman has invited us all to find in what follows, a game recap of George Washington University’s recent baseballing contest against No. 1 ranked Virginia (click image to embiggen).

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Today’s exercise in unconscionable blasphemy asks you to believe the not-very-but-still-sorta believable.

Life: It’s very possible that even intelligent fans are unaware that only six position players ever have out-WARed Tris Speaker, they (i.e. the six) being Babe Ruth, Barry Bonds, Ty Cobb, Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and Honus Wagner. Over 22 years, Speaker slashed .345/.428/.500 (for a 158 wRC+, the 11th-best career figure ever, and one shared by Mark McGwire and Stan Musial) while playing an above-average center field for the larger part of his career.

Spiritual Exercise: Speaker was the first player to steal 50 bases and hit 50 doubles in a season — and the only player besides Craig Biggio to ever do that thing. Ask yourself: what’s something you have done that only one person in the next hundred years is likely to duplicate? Ask yourself, also: was that certain thing entirely legal?

A Prayer for Tris Speaker

Tris Speaker!
Like a female
Russian tennis player,
I’m just vaguely
aware that you exist
but pleasantly surprised
by your talents.

Unlike with those
same Russians, however,
I’ve never once
found myself
secretly grateful
to whomever designed
your outfit.

Barry Zito recently spoke to the media about his physical health following a mid-week car accident.

This is exactly what he looked like.

Merci Buckets: Reader Aaron W.