This very reputable psychologist contributed to our report.

In a piece from yesterday’s Times, John Branch documents — and, one might accurately say, mourns — the disappearance of great nicknames from American sport.

On one level, Branch’s point stands so far as baseball is concerned: relative to generations past, fewer current players today possess colorful sobriquets. There’s Kung Fu Panda, obviously — along with Big Papi and Pronk and some others — but the data show that a lower percentage of players have nicknames.

Branch, however, fails to make a distinction, it seems. For while, yes, there are fewer well-known baseballing nicknames, it’s come to the attention of our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team that, instead of disappearing, the art of nicknaming has merely gone underground. In fact, it appears as though the practice is as robust as ever.

“It makes sense,” said a totally credentialed psychologist who preferred to remain nameless, “that, as media more completely documents and pervades the lives of players, that they would develop mechanisms for fostering a team spirit. The secret nickname is one such device.”

With that, we present here — for the first time ever — some secret nicknames from around the majors. In most cases, there are no explanations for the names — although many of them are self-explanatory.

Regard:

Casey Blake: Business Time

Todd Coffey: Heath Bell*

Ryan Doumit: Pizza Butt

J.D. Drew: Jimmy Smiles

Adam Dunn: Sexual Chocolate**

Adam Jones: Quinoa Jones

Jason Kendall: Uncle Stinky

Carlos Marmol: Prison Shank Marmol

Mike Stanton: Leopard Pants

Ryan Theriot: Merde Hands

* This is a bit embarrassing, actually: when Nationals GM Mike Rizzo acquired Todd Coffey, he actually thought it was Heath Bell he was getting.

Tip of the double-flapped batting helmet to my old, and now totally famous, friend David Modigliani.

Continuing this site’s very obvious Middle West bias, it’s with no little pleasure that I submit to the NotGraphs readership A Thing I Just Found on the Internet.

Specifically, the thing is an announcement — an announcement, dating from April 25h, by State Senator Tim Carpenter (D–Milwaukee) that each January 26th will now officially be Bob Uecker Day in the State of Wisconsin.

Regard, plagiarism:

“I was deeply honored this Saturday to deliver the official resolution to Bob Uecker at his radio booth at Miller Park. Bob’s famous ‘Get up, Get up, Get Out of Here, Gone’ signature call has marked thousands of Milwaukee Brewer home runs to every fan’s delight,” said Carpenter.

“Bob Uecker has been calling play-by-play radio broadcasts for the Milwaukee Brewers for 40 years. I grew up listening to Bob Uecker’s broadcasts with my parents and his great enthusiasm helped spark my love of baseball. He is a beloved figure in Wisconsin baseball,” said Carpenter.

There’s no mention as to whether state employees will receive the day off from work, although Carpenter did go on to implore everyone to enjoy a Usinger’s sausage “with some crisp kraut.”

Pair your media experience with Trader Joe’s Mediterranean Hummus.

A teacher of mine in high school — one who was very enthusiastic about what I’m almost certain is called “experiential education” — had a number of guiding principles by which he conducted his pedagogical self. Of these, one he’d repeat pretty often concerned the idea of “authoring” one’s education. “A student,” this teacher would say, “needs to become the author of his education — of his experiences, in general.”

Though I’ve likely fallen short of this ideal — too many “experiences,” it seems, involve swimming nude in a public water source, an activity which I regard as indecent on multiple levels — it’s an idea with merit, this. The passive consumption of experiences/ideas/media is wrong not on a moral level, as many hippies/communists/Portlanders would argue, but on an aesthetic level. Which is to say, it’s imperative that we tailor our experiences to our own specific preferences and talents; otherwise, said experiences will surely underwhelm.

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Excellent Interview with Charlie Morton

During the pregame show for WPGB’s broadcast of yesterday’s Dodgers-Pirates game, Bob Walk interviewed Pittsburgh starter Charlie Morton.

The interview is exceptional for at least three reasons:

1. Bob Walk asks interesting questions.

2. Charlie Morton is unusually insightful about the changes his new arm slot has forced him to make.

3. It becomes clear that no actor but Crispin Glover could possibly play Charlie Morton in a movie.

Audio courtesy WPGB-Pittsburgh.

Some people, like Cardboard Gods’ Josh Wilker, understand what Montaigne meant when he said “chaque homme porte la forme entière de l’humaine condition”* and make it their business to articulate and catalogue those experiences that one might call “quintessentially human.”

*Translated roughly: “Americans are overweight.”

Other people, like those of us here at NotGraphs, notice when one person looks like another — like how former major-leaguer Clay Carroll looks a lot like Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute of TV’s The Office.

It’s all about choosing a life path, people.

Witness other Discoveries here. Also: big up yaself to my friend Ross, who made this historical discovery.

The lamb is breaking the seals, or something like that.

I don’t know remember the exact passage, but certainly somewhere in the Book of Revelation does John note that, just before the rivers turned to blood or whatever, an auction was started in his fantasy league for Jeff Francoeur.

Well, thanks to Mike Axisa, that very same thing has just happened in my FanGraphs’ ottoneu league.

Thanks for nothing, Axisa. Hope you like your plagues in tens.

With the increasing popularity of MLB.TV, MLB Extra Innings, and Stealing Games Off the Internet, it’s the case now that something close to a critical mass of baseballing fans have access, on any given night, to the full slate of games being played in the majors. This sort of access allows the enthusiast not only to follow specific teams or players in a way that was previously impossible, but also to participate in out-of-market broadcasts unlike before.

Accordingly, it’s become possible to see the different broadcasting choices that networks and clubs make. One of the more conspicuous of these choices is the placement of the center-field camera. While basically all 30 center-field cameras in use today allow viewers to follow the basic narrative of the game (i.e. the identity of the pitcher/batter, the umpire’s call, etc.), it’s also the case that some center-field cameras provide the viewer with a more intimate experience than others.

If we allow that the goal of the center-field camera shot is to capture the batter-pitcher encounter — and, in particular, to document as accurately as possible what a pitcher’s throwing and to where — then it follows that we might adjudge the league’s 30 center-field cameras using that as our criteria.

In what follows, I’ve endeavored to do just that. Below, you’ll find images for all 30 of the league’s center-field cameras, broken down into three categories: Bottom Five, Top Ten, and The Rest.

The reader will note that, with the exception of Minnesota’s contribution, straight-on shots constitute the most highly ranked of the center-field cameras. This makes sense, of course: straight-on shots portray lefties and righties in the same way and document pitch movement in a way that off-set cameras can’t.

The reader should also note that, of all the rankings I’ve given here, the most difficult was Minnesota’s. It has the advantage of being straight-on from center, but is also bizarrely high, making it difficult to gauge the depth of pitches.

Finally, if you believe I’ve erred in any of the screen captures here, don’t hesitate to make note of same in the comment section.

Bottom Five
30. Pittsburgh Pirates

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Moments before Justin Verlander completed his no-hitter on Saturday, Rogers Sportsnet presented home viewers with this image — i.e. what sabermetric paterfamilias Bill James would currently look like if, instead of running headlong into a life of cliche-destroying and brow-furrowing, he just wore a whole bunch of orange instead.

High-five for reader/commenter/professional back-up singer reillocity, for calling the world’s attention to this.

Father of Us All Bill James has (a) written a book called Popular Crime and (b) endeavored to promote said book via some kind of American television program.

You fill in the blanks.