Some things are worth being certain about. When your cat is begging for food, it is worth being certain he has not already eaten and thereby just being a fatso. Because if you feed your cat too much, he will eat himself into your wallet, pilfer your hard-earned cash for cat-related medical bills. So take the extra moment to consider, “Did I already feed this fatso this morning?”

Likewise, when Munenori Kawasaki commissions a new series of GIFs, the artistic baseball community needs to see them. It is a thing worth being certain about. I want to be certain the NotGraphs readers have seen Ben Halpern’s GIFs of Munenori Kawasaki warming up:

I am proud to release my latest film. It is entitled Ty Cobb: The Movie and it stars Ty Cobb and Paul Krichell.

Slim down and shave up,
buy a tie and a cream-
colored polo.

Who needs a mountain
man’s beard if you can
have an IT man’s dribble
of chin hair.

And who needs Santa’s girth
if you can impress the ladies
with the Satan’s bony ribs.

In an unrelated note, I recently lost 35 pounds and shaved my beard. I’m sorry this is how you had to find out.

Watch this here 2 minutes and 3 seconds of shameless advertisement executed by none other than soon-to-be veterans-committee-elected Hall-of-Fame second baseman Bret Boone.

Why, these days, Ol’ Booney is hocking jerky and catching softballs. But when it comes to treating ladies, he plays hardball. “Cracked pepper for ladies!” He bellows between mead gulps. “And original for me!”

“Ooh,” say the entranced womenfolk, “whither can I acquire me some of that fine jerky?”

But they already have a plateful of Brandt’s Beef Jerky. It’s up to us to read the subtext.

This video obviously comes to us via the clammy hands of managing editor Dave Cameron.

What is worse than allowing a game-winning RBI single to Ben Zobrist? Allowing a game-winning RBI single to Ben Zobrist resulting in a complete emotional meltdown.

Obviously this is of the greatest selections of films regarding baseball:

Let us bullet some of the highlights of this trailer:

• Dog does not choke on ball.
• “Let’s playyyhghhghg baawwwwwwww!!!”
• “Dadgum dog-nappers erh at it aggen!!!”
• What villainous power could top the evil bounty of a raccoon’s mind?
• GURLS SURE IS BAD AT BASEBALL!!!
• Stinger: Air Bud reveals he is in fact possessed by Legion and can speak in the tongues of many spirits at whim. He only reveals this, apparently, upon reaching first base.

Today I encountered yet another visual affront to my native American heritage. Behold the official Cleveland Indians Twitter page:

Yes. That’s right. THIS is their profile photo:

Hey, Indians, when you’re done relieving yourself all over my genetic history, why don’t you command your platoon of interns to find maybe a slightly higher quality photo for your Twitter account? Maybe then you could have more followers than, I dunno, the media-powerhouse Minnesota Twins (not a media powerhouse).

“But Bradley, you are only 1/64 Native American. Why do you care about the Indians insulting Indians?”

Okay, okay, which of your ancestors could you do without? Huh!? Maybe we should start snipping unimportant relatives from your family tree. OH, THAT’S RIGHT, THEN YOU’D NEVER BE BORN, HUH?! Just because I’ve got a gallon of hot German blood firing through my arteries and capillaries doesn’t mean the four ounces of Native American blood is pressed up against the wall, being asked for papers.

Fix the logo, Indians.

It was just a few days ago that we asked, “What Was Your Slash, Nerd?” The results are in. The average NotGraphs slash?

.275/.400/.403

And if we remove the accidental repeat entries, the oh-so-clever “bradley woodrum’s butthole” entries, the incomplete entries, and the obvious lie entries, we get a more believable, but not-too-different:

.252/.393/.376

All walks, little power? I believe it.

Today, let’s give the pitchers a look. So be honest, give us your best recollection of your high-school-and-higher numbers. No slow-pitch softball, please:

Vitals:

Game: Out of the Park Baseball 14 (OOTP14)
Platform: PC
Developer: OOTP Developments
Modes: Franchise, Online Franchise
Cool Features: Incredible contracts system, massive player and coaches database, complete customizability, plenty of add-ons, and a robust online community.

Categories:

Realism: 10/10.
Graphics: 8/10.
Difficulty: 10/10.
Details: 10/10.
Playability: 10/10.
Intangibles: 50/50.

Total Score: 98/100 (A+)
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NOTE: I’ve titled this “A Movie Review” because this is most certainly just one man’s perspective. Readers are free to disagree.

Synopsis of this review: This was the master’s clay in the dropout’s hands. A whimpering disappointment, 42 exchanges the impact of a complex truth for the cheap thrills of rapidfire sentimentality. But hopefully, to the uninitiated, the film’s slight glimmer of the real Jackie Robinson will be enough to transmit the epic trials of a man worthy of remembering and generate interest in the history of baseball’s most important man.

Rating: 2 stolen bases out of 5 attempts.

Review in full: I love the story of Jackie Robinson. I love the person and legacy of Jackie Robinson. I wanted to love 42, but I also love art. I love art because I love truth, and art — even when employing fictive devices — aims to communicate truth. Deeper truths. Any truths. Art, good art, gives us the tools to understand and conceptualize the world around us.

I recently watched three documentaries on North Korea. Who isn’t a little nervous, curious about the Hermit Kingdom? The first documentary was a National Geographic hidden camera expose of life and medical technology in North Korea — Inside North Korea. It created in me a sense of awe, a distanced but very real sensation of intrigue and astonishment at this cult of Kim, at this thug government, at this bizarre universe so far from my own.
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