Atlanta Braves Sign, Immediately Extend Two-Month-Old Baby

ATLANTA — In a move that was both surprising, yet right in line with recent activity, the Atlanta Braves have signed Colton Jackson, a baby, to a 29-year contract extension. Jackson was signed to his initial contract by the Braves a mere month and half prior, forty eight days after his birth.

“We are excited to continue our tradition of committing to our promising young talent,” said Braves general manager Frank Wren. “Colton here has shown a lot of potential in these last two months. He’s been very responsive to our jiggling of keys, and has really upped his performance in peekaboo. We like his makeup, and with some time we feel his fingers won’t look so weird. All in all, it’s a great day for the Atlanta Braves organization.”

Wren said that the signing of Jackson, along with the recent extensions of Freddie Freeman, Andrelton Simmons, Julio Tehran, and Craig Kimbrel will help solidify who the Braves are for many years to come. He would not comment on the rumors that the team is in talks to gain exclusive signing rights to Freeman’s first born son, but the so-called “sperm retainer” has been discussed heavily within the front office, sources say.

“I’m excited to see Colton take his position around 2044,” Wren said. “We should be in our fifth or sixth new stadium by then.”