Ask NotGraphs (#27)
Dear NotGraphs,
Back in spring training I made a bet with an obnoxious Yankee fan friend of mine. [ed. note: is there any other kind?] If the Yankees win 98 games or more, he designs a t-shirt for me that I have to wear to work. If they win less than 98, I design the shirt, and he wears it.
It is now obvious at this point in the season that I am going to win the bet.
What should the shirt say? It has to be be safe for work, but other than that, anything goes.
Keep in mind, this guy is the most obnoxious Yankees fan you’ve ever met. One of those guys who thinks Derek Jeter is God’s son, and calls Alex Rodriguez A-Fraud. He talks about “True Yankees” on a daily basis, and frequently states with complete confidence that Scott Brosius was a better 3rd baseman than Rodriguez. He talks about Felix Hernandez as a Triple-A prospect for New York. He even says that the Yanks are entitled to Hernandez, without any sense of how ridiculous he sounds. He honestly thinks someone in Kansas City spiked Robbie Cano’s Gatorade during this year’s Home Run Derby to prevent him from hitting any bombs. He believes Derek Jeter is “clutch” because of something that happened in 1998, and believes that all of Rodriguez’s RBI have come in games that the Yankees were already winning. He does not believe the two MVP awards that A-Rod won (and the 2009 playoffs in which he carried the team) matter in the least. He thinks every position player in New York is intrinsically better than all players from anywhere else, except Rodriguez, who he believes is a terrible baseball player, and always was. Earlier this year Carl Pavano beat the Yanks, and I texted him something humorous about it. He cursed me out and wouldn’t talk to me for a week. The guy knows very little about other baseball teams, even within the same division. He is very knowledgeable about the Yankees’ day-to-day moves, but, for example, did not know which league the A’s were in. Imagine the most stereotypical Yankees fan with all the obnoxious traits you can imagine. That’s him.
He is a good friend, but I am relishing the easy win I have on this bet. He was willing to bet on 106 wins, but I lowered it to 98 just to tick him off. They will be lucky to win 90 if you ask me.
Here are some of the ideas I have. I’m not especially happy with any of them, so I’d like some help.
“Derek Jeter is on Roids.”
“Alex Rodriguez is a better shortstop than Derek Jeter.”
“I have tremendous personal fondness for Josh Beckett.”
“Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera choked in ’01, ’03 and ’04.”
Thanks,
Sean
Sean,
Your friend sounds awesome.
Congratulations on the bet.
I’m hoping readers will have heaps of ideas for this one in the comments, but I’ll share a few of mine.
“#1 Red Sox fan.”
“I [heart] Manny Ramirez.”
or just a simple:
“I am wearing this t-shirt because I hate the Yankees.”
Good luck,
Jeremy
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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.
How about, “I traded away my number one minor league prospect and all I got was this Michael Pineda t-shirt.”
Also, there’s a lot to go on with A-Rod if he hates him.
“I’d let A-Rod feed ME popcorn …”
Somewhat spoiled by the fact that Montero has been a complete bust.