Another False Identity, Revealed

With the news last week that Fausto Carmona is not actually Fausto Carmona, many have been wondering how widespread this fake identity phenomenon actually is among major league players. While it is generally assumed that such players hail from the Dominican Republic, my investigative reporting has uncovered a more surprising poser in the major league mix.

“Hunter Pence” of the Philadelphia Phillies was arrested yesterday outside the consulate my heart, for assuming a false identity. His real name is Rick Nielsen, he is 37 years older than he has claimed, and he is the lead guitarist and songwriter of Cheap Trick.

“hunter pence”

A police sketch of the accused has been released, alongside the cart-loads of previous photo evidence of this falsification that was right under our noses this entire time. Looking back, it’s easy to see similarities between “Hunter”‘s frenetic but effective swing and the deceptively simple adolescent pop hooks of Cheap Trick. It appears that Nielsen, torn between his love of baseball and his love of music, chose at first to pursue the
latter but was eventually pulled into a web of lies and deception when he was roped into trying out for baseball teams under the (now it seems so obvious…) moniker “Hunter Pence.”

rick nielsen

“hunter pence”

In all seriousness, “Hunter Pence” is Rick Nielsen. No, really. He is.

That said, I don’t want any of this new information to take away from the great joy I take in both “Hunter Pence”‘s knee socks, or in the Cheap Trick line “She’s got a face that would stop a clock”. These are beautiful things that are perhaps only more impressive given that they are the masterpieces of the same single genius. The law will take care of the consequences of his actions, but I’m not here to pass judgement. If ever comes the time that Pence is called to the Hall of Fame, I suspect we’ll all be humming Surrender and laughing about the day we discovered the truth. It just seems a little weird.