Annotated Video: Phillies-Astros, Game 5, 1980 NLCS

In case you haven’t read the relevant press release, let it be known, bespectacled reader, that the Phillies will be hosting a 1980s Retro Night this Friday at Citizens Bank. While that particular event promises to be awkward in all the ways one imagines it could be awkward, it’s had the tonic effect of directing the author (after some super-high intense web-surfing) to the above-embedded video from Game Five of the 1980 NLCS between Philadelphia and Nolan Ryan’s Houston Astros.

Please join me, reader, won’t you, as we experience this experience together?

0:13 — For the first time ever, Larry Bowa is caught on film expressly not gesticulating wildly at someone or -thing.

0:17 — Bob Costas successfully prevents the taller and handsomer Tom Verducci from saying even one word.

0:39 — Larry Bowa makes some salient points on cognition and meta-cognition.

0:56 — The introduction ends, Verducci having been successfully shut-out. Costas 1, Verducci 0.

1:05 — Nolan Ryan frightens the home audience even from 30 years away and with a cartoonish orange hat.

1:24 — Marty Bystrom and Jose Cruz compete in a fro-off. Cruz wins the battle, but what about the war, hm?

1:53 — We meet Manny Trillo. Though a below-average player for most of his career, Trillo actually posted a 3.4 WAR in 1980.

2:28 — Verducci utters first words of entire video. Utters, “Up yours, Costas” under his breath.

2:50 — Enos Cabell attempts to redefine masculinity before our eyes.

3:12 — Greg Luzinski attempts to do something, but it’s hard to say what exactly.

3:42 — Denny Walling invites the home audience deep into his mustache.

4:18 — Nolan Ryan is unmoved by your “emotions.”

4:44 — Greg Gross tells Denny Walling, “Not so fast, Mr. Mustache.”

5:04 — Pete Rose is worried you stopped thinking he’s a douche.

5:32 — Nino Espinosa wants in on this fro-off, guys.

5:50 — Larry Bowa gesticulates wildly. All is normal in the world.

5:59 — Nino Espinosa, again.

6:34 — Tom Verducci, bitches!

6:43 — Tug McGraw would like you to meet his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl.

7:25 — Mike Schmidt makes guest appearance, shows America what a mustache can be in this world.

8:06 — Okay, Nino. We get it.

8:08 — Fact: Every pack of 1989 Topps featured at least one, if not more, Danny Heep cards.

8:33 — Bowa informs home audience that 1980 Phillies had elephant on their shoulders — a woefully underreported story.

8:48 — Font!