Accounts and Descriptions: 1978 Phillies Team Photo

Click to embiggen.

If this image looks familiar it’s either because (a) my colleague Eno Sarris submitted it for the readership’s consideration this morning or (b) you’ve recently time-traveled here from that epoch in our history known as “The Good Times.” In either case, please keep reading: this document is important to your life.

I’m informing the reader of nothing new when I suggest that internet culture is dedicated to speed. However, there are some texts — a term (i.e. text) that I use in its broadest sense — there are some texts that are worthy of further consideration.

I’ll suggest right here that this Phillies team photo is one such text.

To that end, I’ve done some research — with no little help from our in-house Investigative Reporting Investgation Team — and managed to isolate the precise thoughts that some of this photograph’s subjects were thinking on that spring day in 1978, the accounts and descriptions of which you can find below.

The numbers you see below correspond with numbers inserted into the image above. The thoughts are rendered as authentically as possible.

Regard, truth/beauty:

1. Do I drink Jack Daniels? F*ck you, kid. I am Jack Daniels.

2. I will definitely have two sons, and their names will definitely be Gilbert Arenas and James Harden.

3. I call this look “Incredulous Dragon.”

4. In fact, it’s true: I do keep getting older, they do stay the same age.

5. Hey, how you doin’? My name’s Mike Feriglioanio.

6. That’s not the only thing that’s collared, if you know what I mean.

7. Someday, I’ll author a great book: Strangling for Recreation.

8. This time-travel experiment really did go “a little caca.”

9. I’m using three forms of birth control right now.

10. What? The? Eff?

Finally, I ought to note that all of the remaining players and staff not specifically mentioned here have actually gone on to appear in at least one Coen brothers’ film each.