A-Rod’s Master Plan

by
June 28, 2013

Today, Bob Klapisch reported that the Yankees have no idea what’s going on with A-rod, calling his comments (in which he tweeted out an update on how his rehab is going without clearing it with the Yankees’ front office first) “bizarre” and saying “they’re also stumped the slugger’s recent behavior.”  Well, everyone knows Alex is a complicated guy, and it’s likely that nobody actually understands him.

That must be pretty lonely for a fella, so I want to help you get him better. I snuck into his fortified compound (like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment, but with tighter pants) and stole what looked like an explanation for what he was trying to accomplish. Here now, for the first time, is A-Rod’s master plan:

 A-Rod's plans

Click to embiggen. Duh.

  1. Get on Twitter!
  2. Tweet good news about hip, making all Yankees love me because their third basemen have hit just .238/.294/.325 this year and are all hurt.
  3. Arrive back in New York to a mob of adoring fans.
  4. Have likeness made into a Macy’s style balloon for the resultant parade through Times Square!
  5. Post .400 wOBA for the rest of 2013, leading the Yankees to the World Serie [sic] win.
  6. Get elected mayor
  7. Bring back the porn and hookers.
  8. Graft! Graft! Graft!
  9. More Graft!
  10. City spins out of control. Have Manhattan converted to max security prison.
  11. In lawless city, free from stupid laws, undergo radical transplant and reconstructive surgery.
  12. Become first ever Duke of Manhattan/Centaur
  13. Take drawing and penmanship classes.

I don’t know about you, but I think this is a plan for New York we can all get behind.





 

Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for Baseball Prospectus and co-hosts the podcast This Week In Baseball History. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

12 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Damaso's Burnt Shirt
11 years ago

Not the real one until I see mentions of Underwear Gnomes and Reverse Vampires.

2
steex
11 years ago
Reply to  Damaso's Burnt Shirt

I think an Underwear Gnomes reference is implicit in anything involving A-Rod – the final step is always profit.

0
Martin
11 years ago
Reply to  steex

1: Collect Underpants
2: Alex Rodriguez
3: Profit.

Seems pretty foolproof to me!

2
Z
11 years ago
Reply to  Martin

Strangely, collecting A-Rod’s underpants PROBABLY could result in profit. But there have got to be better ways to make a living.

0