A Five-Year-Old’s Scouting Report of Her Own Self

On the occasion of the latter’s fifth birthday, the author’s wife spoke with our niece this past weekend. Among the topics of conversation: that same niece’s capacities as a wiffleball player. Whether she has a future at the highest level of the sport remains unclear. If scouting reports courtesy of her own self are accurate, however, the bat will almost certainly play, regardless of position.

As evidence, I point to the following excerpt from the aforementioned conversation:

NIECE
I can hit the ball so far.

WIFE
How far?

NIECE
Ten seconds.

WIFE
Ten seconds?!?

NIECE
No. I mean, a hundred seconds.

The niece in question did not go on to say — but would likely confirm if asked — that her fastball is 17 feet tall and she’s currently hitting about a thousand pounds.